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And that's no good.

Alfie's Home is a so-called "children's" picture book by Richard Cohen. The narrator of the story (probably Alfie) tells of how his seemingly perfect and happy family is not all it seems. His parents fight all the time. His father is rarely around, usually yelling at him and his emotionally distressed mother clings to the narrator for support. Lucky for him, his Uncle Pete listens to and spends time with him. Unluckily, Uncle Pete is in fact a Creepy Uncle, and molests his nephew. This leads to many psychological problems as the Narrator gets older.

This book is infamous for its many Unfortunate Implications, especially regarding homosexuality. Cracked named it the worst children's book ever written.

Witness it for yourself. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Tropes used in Alfie's Home include:
  • Abusive Parents: On the rare occasion Alfie's dad is home, he yells at the boy, and his mom vents all of her emotional frustration onto him.
  • All Gays Are Pedophiles: Uncle Pete molested Alfie when he was a kid.
  • Author Tract: Richard Cohen is supposedly an "ex-gay" who has written books about "curing" homosexuality.
  • Broken Aesop: On the whole, Alfie's Home's message seems to be that members of dysfunctional families can overcome their problems and go on to lead normal healthy lives. The book breaks this both by glossing over the effort this requires and by presenting homosexuality as a problem to be solved.
  • Creepy Uncle: Uncle Pete, who molests his nephew.
  • Clueless Aesop: What was the message that the author was trying to convey for Alfie's Home?
    • That homosexuality is caused by having terrible parents, but is possible to cure by one trip to therapy and a few apologies all around. Yikes.
  • Comic Book Time: The mother and father and Uncle Pete do not seem to age, even as Alfie grows to be a teenager.
  • Cure Your Gays: Alfie is told by his psychologist that he's not gay, just confused, and that he can be "cured" from his feelings for guys.
  • Depraved Homosexual: Uncle Pete, who molests Alfie (a child!).
  • Easily Forgiven: Alfie is rather quick to forgive Uncle Pete for molesting him.
  • Hollywood Psych: Alfie's personal issues are all resolved with just one session with his therapist and some apologies from his parents and uncle.
  • Karma Houdini: The uncle. After molesting Alfie for months, Uncle Pete gets off with nothing but a stern lecture.
  • Kids Are Cruel: The kids at school called the narrator a faggot.
  • Magical Negro: The black counselor solves all of the family's problems in a finger snap!
  • Mistaken for Gay: Alfie is thought to be gay after Uncle Pete molests him.
  • No Name Given: Everyone is nameless in this story, except for Alfie and Uncle Pete.
  • Positive Discrimination: The black counselor gives Alfie unrealistic advice and it all turns out fine.
  • Precision F-Strike: "Hey, faggot!"
  • Rape and Switch: The therapist tells Alfie that Uncle Pete molesting him as a child made him go to other guys for affection because of his often-absent father.
  • Rape as Drama: Uncle Pete's molestation of Alfie was portrayed rather seriously. However, given the counselor's advice that Alfie would've been affectionate with other boys either way due to not talking to his dad much, it's implied to have been pointless.
  • Shotacon: The uncle.
  • Tears of Remorse: Uncle Pete tearfully apologizes to Alfie for molesting him.
  • What Happened to the Mouse? / Chuck Cunningham Syndrome: The Brother and Sister who appear on the first page never show up again.
  • When You Coming Home, Dad?: Alfie's dad is often away at work. According to the psychologist, this is what "caused" Alfie to have feelings for other boys.