Babylon 5/Funny

Susan Ivanova

• "On your way back, I'd like you to practice the Babylon 5 Mantra: Ivanova is always right. I will listen to Ivanova. I will not ignore Ivanova's recommendations. Ivanova is God. And if this ever happens again, Ivanova will personally rip your lungs out! Babylon Control out. [to herself] Civilians. [glances upward] Just kidding about the God thing. No offense?"
• Explaining that she can command the White Star, because she's been practicing her Minbari:

Engines at full, high power, hatrack ratcatcher, to port weapons, brickbat lingerie.

• In the opening of season 2, we get a Captain's Log voiceover describing how Sinclair has been recalled to Earth, Ivanova is de facto commander, and things have gone "straight to hell." We see Ivanova walk into an elevator, accompanied by a gaggle of very angry, very loud diplomats and businessmen complaining about...everything. The elevator doors open again...

Ivanova: And as far as I'm concerned the transports can wait until the sun explodes! And if you are not happy with the seating arrangements, I will personally order your seats to be moved outside, down the hall, across the station, and into the fusion reactor! Am I absolutely, perfectly clear on this? [all nod, terrified, and slink away] Ivanova (Captain's Log continues): I can only conclude that I am paying off karma at a vastly accelerated rate.

• When Londo complains that his doll figurine doesn't have the six Centauri reproductive tentacles:

Ivanova: So you feel you're being symbolically cast— in a bad light?

• The "human-style sex" sequence in "Acts of Sacrifice." After tricking the alien ambassador (who has insisted on sex as a method of consummating a treaty) into insisting on Human sex, she dances around him, reciting the sequence of a one-night stand, culminating in an epic fake orgasm:

Ivanova: Tell me about your portfolio. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes! Lie to me about your family! Oh...yeeeeeeesssss!

• • And capping it off beautifully at the end of the episode, she gets a note from the alien ambassador:

"Next time, my way."

• In "Voices of Authority," the new Political Officer tries to seduce Sheridan—she strips naked (impressively, in the time it takes him to turn around and pour drinks)—just as Ivanova appears via holoprojection. He grabs her into a distracting kiss, then slips out to speak briefly to Ivanova, who gives him a status report and closes with a Star Trek Shout-Out:

Ivanova: Good luck, Captain. I think you're about to go where everyone has gone before.

• • It may or may not have been intentional, but she even raises a Fascinating Eyebrow when she says this!
  • From the same episode, Ivanova's "I love surprises" speech to Draal. His answer?

Draal: I like you. You're trouble. Ivanova (genuinely pleased): Thank you! That's the nicest thing anybody's said about me in days.

• When Marcus tells Ivanova he's a virgin:

Ivanova: Wow, I thought First Ones were rare.

• • Later, Marcus tells Ivanova that the ship's scanners are picking something up:

Ivanova: What is it, a unicorn?

• The look on Ivanova's face when the newly half-human Delenn thanks her for her help understanding hair, and asks, "Can you tell me why I've been getting these...odd cramps?"
• When the station fails to explode or disappear.

Ivanova: No boom today. Boom tomorrow. There's always a Boom tomorrow. *Beat*, as Sinclair and Garibaldi wordlessly walk away. Ivanova: What? Look, somebody's gotta have some damn perspective around here! Boom. Sooner or later. BOOM!

• The season 4 episode "Atonement" sees Ivanova invited to a Drazi religious festival. She looks forward to it, believing it to be a big bash. Two scenes later, Sheridan walks upon a garland-littered Ivanova stumbling out of a transport tube, shoving away a semi-conscious Drazi and using a cane to stay upright.

Sheridan: What the…? Ivanova: Don't…even…ask.

Marcus Cole

• "Several ships reported seeing something rather 'god-like' in that area, and since neither you nor I were there..."
  • When Ivanova calls him out on the "delusions of grandeur", he replies: "Well, if you're going to have delusions, you might as well hold out for the really satisfying ones."
• After beating up a roomful of mafiosi: "Bugger. Now I have to wait for someone to wake up!"
• Singing the Major General's Song. Over the end credits. In its entirety. In one take!
• Ivanova insists that she will not let a ship full of incredibly old, incredibly powerful First Ones leave without agreeing to what she's offering.

Marcus: Really? How do you propose stopping them? Perhaps a big red and white sign with the word stop on it? I'll put a bucket on my head and pretend to be the ancient Vorlon god Booji... Ivanova: That's it! Marcus: Fine. I'll get a bucket!

• Marcus gets the impression Ivanova is not paying attention to his report:

Marcus: And they have much to be concerned about. There's always the threat of an attack by, say, a giant space dragon, the kind that eats the sun every thirty days. It's a nuisance, but what can you expect from reptiles? Did I mention that my nose is on fire, and that I have fifteen wild badgers living in my trousers? [Ivanova finally looks at him, witheringly.] Marcus: I'm sorry. Would you prefer ferrets?

• "Even more boxes."
• After listening to a Not So Different speech from Neroon (Who had spent most of the episode beating him to a pulp before realizing this): "The next time you want a revelation, could you possibly find a method that isn't quite so uncomfortable?"
  • Followed by Neroon laughing his ass off.
• Revealing that the Rangers have a saying that to understand anything Sinclair says, you'd have to look into a hundred mirrors while hanging upside down.

Londo Mollari

• Londo, now Prime Minister of Centauri Prime, has gone home—with G'Kar in tow as a bodyguard. A Centauri official comes to arrest G'Kar:

Londo: Where he goes, I go. [to G'Kar] Don't worry. Even one as arrogant as this would not take it upon himself to imprison his own prime minister. {{[[[Gilligan Cut]] Cut to the next scene. Londo and G'Kar are in a prison cell}}] Londo: Shut up. G'Kar: I didn't say anything.

• • And how does Londo get out while saving face?

G'Kar: I need to concentrate [...] [on] last night's supper. {{[[[Gilligan Cut]] Cut to the next scene. Londo is being hastily escorted out of the cell, with a handkerchief over his nose}}] Londo: Thank you! Who knew they could make such a stench as that? Great Maker, I don't even want to think about it. I couldn't stay in there a moment longer. And the smell was not the worst of it. It was the burning in my eyes! I think my buttons are melting!

• Politics on Babylon 5 can be odd, and Londo Mollari doesn't always like it.

Londo Mollari: This is madness! How much longer will this Council be held hostage to its missing members? Their behavior is inexcusable. Lennier: Ambassador Delenn remains indisposed. Londo Mollari: "Indisposed." She's in a cocoon! Lennier: Yes. [implied: "So?"] Londo Mollari: [to Na'Toth] And you. Do you have any idea when Ambassador G'Kar will decide to grace us with his presence? For that matter do you have any idea where he is ...There, you see? One deserts his post without any explanation. The other one picks the most breathtakingly inconvenient moment possible to explore new career options. Like becoming a butterfly!

• After Vir gets some bad news and tries to drink away the pain:

Londo: Ah, your first hangover. I remember my first hangover...Well, that's not true. If I remembered it, it wouldn't be a real hangover.

• Londo has been having a bad year, mostly dealing with G'Kar:

Londo: But this - this, this, this is like being nibbled to death by... what are those Earth creatures called? Feathers, long bill, webbed feet... go "quack"... Vir: ...Cats. Londo: Cats. Being nibbled to death by cats.

• During a Centauri religious celebration, Londo gets blind drunk, and crawls across the table, telling Delenn she is "cute for a Minbari," (this is before the transformation) and Garibaldi that he is "cute too, in an annoying sort of way." Finally:

Londo: Everybody's cute. Everybody's cute! Even me. But in purple...I'm stunning! [thud] Vir: Ah! He has become one with his inner self! Garibaldi: He's passed out. Vir: That too.

• Londo, explaining to the station captain about the temperature problems in his quarters:

Londo: When I said my quarters were cold, I did not mean, "Oh, I think it's a little chilly in here, perhaps I'll throw a blanket on the bed." No, I said it was cold, as in "Oh, my left arm has snapped off like an icicle and shattered on the floor!"

• Londo finds an insect in his quarters. A big one. And ends up impaling it with his ceremonial dueling sword.

Londo: *To insect on end of sword* HA HA! There, you see! This will teach you to... Trifle with a Centauri, you triple-damned... *Examines it closer* You know that... You know that you are smaller than I thought you were? {{[[[Beat Panel]] beat}}] Londo: ...You are smaller. There are more of you!... THERE ARE MORE OF YOU! **Later in the episode** Londo: If you see something this big with eight legs coming your way, let me know. I have to kill it before it develops language skills.

• Londo explains to Delenn and Draal that he has been studying Humans, and he's getting vexed about something:

Londo: Six thousand years of recorded history, a history that includes remarkable composers, astonishing symphonies...but. What is the one song that half of them sing to their children generation after generation? "You put your right hand in, you put your right hand out, you put your whole self in, and you turn yourself about. You do the Hokey Pokey, you give a little shout. That's what it's all about!" It doesn't mean anything! I have been studying it for seven days. I had the computer analyze it. I swear to you, it does not mean A THING!

• • You know what was even funnier? Draal whispering to Delenn that he likes that song.
    • And Delenn imploring him not to tell Londo.
• Mollari to Vir: "As you advance in politics, you lose friends. There are only those who wish to use you, and those who you wish to use. How you have managed to walk the paths of power completely untouched is beyond me. I can only assume that you have not been paying attention."
• Upon hearing that, as a reward for his service to the Empire, Londo will be given one thing within the Emperor's power to grant. His wish?

Londo: A DIVORCE!

• Londo Mollari is the gift that keeps on giving.

Londo: You have that vacant look in your eyes that says, "Hold my head to your ear: you will hear the sea!"

• And of course, this doozy from Born To The Purple:

Londo: What do you want, you moon-faced assassin of joy?

• Trying to convince Delenn to agree to Vir being assigned as the Centauri envoy to Minbar.

Londo: He wouldn't even try to spy on you. He would consider it rude.

Everyone Else

• Vir: "M-maybe he won't even get that much out, he'll just say 'LON- AACK!'" The utterly over-the-top gagging sound and hands-over-throat gesture (for a toxin that kills by stopping the victim's hearts, no less) just make it better.
• Londo and G'Kar get stuck in a broken elevator for an entire episode. This is the cue for a Very Special Episode about enemies reconciling their differences and working together, right? Not so much. G'Kar decides to do nothing and hope Londo dies. He can't kill Londo himself, or the Centauri will retaliate by killing 500 Narns. But this wouldn't be killing Londo, would it? G'Kar spends the whole episode giggling hysterically at Londo's desperation. Just at the end, as they hear the work crews and realize they'll be saved:

Londo: Go be the ambassador to Babylon 5, they said. It will be an easy assignment. Ah, I hate my life. G'Kar: So do I. Londo: SHUT! UP!!

• • Even better: the scene was written with G'Kar explaining that he won't help Londo even at the cost of his own life in dead seriousness. It was Andreas Katsulas' idea to have G'Kar be laughing hysterically through the entire explanation, which J. Michael Straczynski first learned about when he had to stop moving when filming started, and could only wonder what scene they were shooting with G'Kar laughing so much. He now considers it the funniest scene of the whole show.
  • The entire elevator scene was golden.

Londo: We must work together! G'Kar: ...no. Londo: What do you mean, no?! G'Kar: No. As the humans say, up yours, die! Hahahahahaha!

• Spacing the teddy bear. So good, it got a Shout-Out on another TV show.
  • The scenario in all its hilarity. Throughout the episode, a gift shop was being run on the station, causing certain amounts of embarrassment. Sheridan had liked the whole idea...until Invanova presented him with a "J.S." teddy bear. He then ordered the whole works off the station by morning. But he kept the bear. Later, C&C gets a UFO contact and sends Lt. Keffer out in a Starfury to investigate. After a little searching around, said teddy bear suddenly ends up against his cockpit window. When C&C asks if he saw anything, he replies:

Lt. Keffer: "I don't think so. Not on a bet."

• Pretty much anything with Zathras:

Zathras: You take, Zathras die. You leave, Zathras die. Either way, it is bad for Zathras. Zathras: Out of time? Cannot run out of time! There is infinite time. You are finite. Zathras is finite. This...is wrong tool. Never use this. Zathras: Zathras is used to being beast of burden to other people's needs. Very sad life. Probably have very sad death. But at least there is symmetry.

• • When Zathras explains that they each have different pronunciations for their names, he then gives examples... that involve saying it in the exact same way.
• Sheridan and Lennier in the elevator, after Lennier "observed" (in an official religious capacity) one of the pre-marriage rituals between Sheriden and Delenn.

Lennier (after an awkward silence): "Woo-hoo"?

• Dr. Franklin is trying to study pak'ma'ra biology and instead learns two funny things. First, although notorious carrion eaters, there are some things even they can't take (like inorganic compounds), and second, when a pak'ma'ra vomits…it can be messy.
• G'Kar is worried about becoming a religious leader.

G'Kar: I worry, Ta'Lon, that my shadow may become greater than the message. Ta'Lon: If that happens, I give you my word that I will personally kill you. G'Kar: And this is supposed to put my mind at ease?

• Several good ones in the episode where G'Kar becomes Londo's bodyguard on Centauri.

Centauri Minister: Is that why you brought it [G'Kar] along? Londo Mollari: No, he is still here as my bodyguard, that's all. Where I go, he goes. Centauri Minister: My condolences. G'Kar: Thank you. It's a burden, but I've come to accept it.

• "Green...and Purple!"
  • See WikiQuote for a hundred more examples.

Ivanova: You're saying just because I'm holding this right now, I'm Green leader? But I'm human! Former Drazi Leader: Rules of combat older than contact with other races. Did not mention aliens. Rules change… caught up in committee. Not come through yet. Ivanova: Bureaucracy. Tell me about it.

• Perhaps a dark humor, but the episode "And the Rock Cried Out, 'No Hiding Place'", where Londo gets G'Kar and a mob of Narns to take out one of his rivals (Lord Refa) deep below the surface of the Narn Homeworld. While Refa runs around trying to get away, a gospel choir on the station is singing a song based on the Bible verse that gives this episode its name. That song is used for the killing, giving us the image of a man trying futilely to escape while the choir is cheerfully singing "There's no hiding place down here".
  • Even better, the song says that the rock cried out, while Refa tries to hide in the rocky caverns that the Narn used to use as a hiding place from the Centauri. Even if he had gotten away, they know this place like a spider knows its web.
• The Centauri celebration in "The Parliament of Dreams".
• Lennier finds a coma preferable to a Centauri medal.
• Sheridan is scheduled to be sworn in as president of the Interstellar Alliance in a ceremony on Babylon 5. He asked G'Kar to write up the terms of the alliance, as well as an oath of office. The ceremony was interrupted by an assassination attempt against Sheridan, postponed for later, and then interupted again by another attempt by the same assassin, this time piloting a Starfury and trying to fire upon the station from the outside. G'Kar, annoyed at the second interruption of his speech, addresses the soon-to-be President Sheridan thusly:

G'Kar: You want to be President? Sheridan: Yes. G'Kar: Put your hand on the book and say "I do". Sheridan: I do. G'Kar: Fine. Done. Let's eat.

• In one of the finest instances of Black Comedy ever to issue from J. Michael Straczynski's pen: See Emperor Cartagia in an impeccable white uniform and hands soaked in blood commenting in his usual offhand, rather bored manner:

"Did you know we assigned one of our best pain technicians--'pain technicians', they used to be called 'torturers', ever since they got organized it's 'pain technicians'..."

• Sheridan's rehearsed apology to the Centauri after he blew up one of their ships. It's just a pity he never got to carry it out to them:

Sheridan: I apologize. I'm...sorry. I'm sorry we had to defend ourselves against an unwarranted attack. I'm sorry that your crew was stupid enough to fire on a station filled with a quarter million civilians, including your own people. And I'm sorry I waited as long as I did before I blew them all straight to hell! ...As with everything else, it's the thought that counts.

• • What Could Have Been: According to Word of God, he was actually going to say it.
• Sinclair and Garibaldi lull Ivanova to sleep at breakfast, then trick her into thinking that she'd slept through the entire meal and was late for duty. She races off, Sinclair exits (telling Garibaldi that he'll inform next-of-kin), and Garibaldi waits:

Garibaldi: Three... two... one... Ivanova (screaming): Oh! Garibaldi, you're a dead man!

• Londo explains that he has full confidence in Vir to handle a negotiation and leaves. Insulted, G'Kar says that he has full confidence in Ko'Dath and leaves as well. Each one says one last thing to his aide:

"Don't give away the homeworld."

• In "Dust to Dust," Bester and Garibaldi are on stakeout tracking a drug ring:

Garibaldi: "And if I had a baseball bat, we could hang you from the ceiling and play pinata." Bester: "A pinata, huh? So you think of me as something bright and cheerful, full of toys and candy for young children. Thank you! That makes me feel much better about our relationship."

• And then there was the episode that introduced Bester. He casually pulls information out of Garibaldi's mind as he walks past, makes a pithy comment about what he learned, and when Garibaldi glares at him:

Bester: Anatomically impossible, Mr. Garibaldi. But you're welcome to try. Anytime.

• And when he arrives at the station after it secedes, and is greeted by a welcoming committee and all their loaded guns aimed at him. His reply? "You know, if this keeps up, I'm going to start thinking the people around here just don't like me." Seems he gets used to it, as later still, on another visit, he glibly tells Zack Allen, "I assume my usual quarters in the brig are available?"
• The entirety of "Rumors, Bargains, and Lies". Sheridan unleashes the funniest Xanatos Gambit/Kansas City Shuffle ever.

Ivanova: Absolutely nothing happened today in Sector 83 by 9 by 12.

• In Season 5, a Drazi tries to plant a bug in a bag of fruit he sells Vir. When it's discovered, the Drazi refuses to apologize, giving Vir a brief "The Reason You Suck" Speech. Vir, cowed, leaves... heads straight to Londo's quarters, grabs a sword off the wall, and returns. He hacks up the fruit stand, holds his sword to the Drazi's throat, and asks:

Vir: Now... want to finish our little conversation, spoo-for-brains?

• • "Something I can do for you, Vir?" "No, I just need to borrow this for a minute--" (waves sword in the air) "--I'll be right back."
    • Sunnuva... how many episodes was that sword on the wall?
• One morning, Garibaldi is kind of irked:

Garibaldi: You know, I've been stuck in this tin can for three years. I haven't taken a vacation--okay, okay, it's my fault, I had the leave coming, I just didn't take it--and the pay sucks, I knew that when I signed on, and nobody said I'd survive the job. Now, I give you all that. But where in my contract does it say I have to eat the same food for breakfast...every day...for three years? Sheridan: Paragraph 47, subsection 19, clause 9A. You can find it in the index under S.U.A.E.I. Garibaldi: S...U...A.E.I.? Sheridan and Ivanova (in perfect unison): Shut up and eat it.

• In the same episode as Marcus's singing:

Dr. Franklin: This is the kind of conversation that can only end in a gunshot.

• • In the next episode, Marcus keeps forcing Franklin to play "I Spy" with him, even though the only things they can see are stars and boxes.

Dr. Franklin: [sotto vocce] And that's when I shot him, Your Honor.

• Talia is standing outside an elevator and tells Sinclair that she's afraid to get into one, because every time she does, Mr. Garibaldi seems to be there. Sinclair informs her that Mr. Garibaldi is good, but he's not omniscient. Cue the elevator doors opening, and... well, you fill in the rest.

Talia: I think I'll take the stairs. Sinclair: I think I'll join you.

• • Gets better: in the comics, Garibaldi then saves Talia from an assassin... by walking out of the elevator.
• Garibaldi and a security officer are breaking into the station post office to retrieve a package:

Garibaldi: What are you so nervous about? We went up against the entire Earth Alliance and two carrier groups. Officer: But this is the post office. This could get us in real trouble.

• In a blooper in In the Shadow of Z'Ha'Dum, when Sheridan points to a view screen showing Morden and says "He is supposed to be dead!", Ed Wasser promptly keels over.
• Quality of Mercy: Londo had invited Lennier to a play round of cards. There is humor all around. First, Lennier is a very humble and religious sort, yet despite this he performs very well at the card table. Meanwhile, we see Londo open a button on his fly. Later on, we see a tentacle surreptitiously moving cards around...until Londo is caught cheating. After the whole fracas is over, Lennier asks what it was about, and Londo patiently explains to him the Centauri reproductive system. The tentacle was actually one of his genitalia.

Lennier: I'm going to take a vow of silence concerning this entire conversation. (And promptly flees Londo's quarters. This is, of course, Minbari for "This never happened".)

• Oh, come on... no one's put this moment up yet?

Sheridan: I tell ya, the next person who acts irrationally, I swear I'm gonna shoot myself in the head. (Delenn immediately bursts in) Delenn: BASTARDS! Franklin: Did she just...? Sheridan: She did. Franklin: I'll get the gun.

• Lennier has been up two days making a ceremonial meal for Sheridan, and if Sheridan makes one mistake in the proper way to eat it, he'll have to do it all again. Just watch Bill Mumy's face through the whole scene. And then Sheridan gets called away and Lennier's respone is one of the few times that Translation Convention isn't used, letting us imagine whatever profanity we want.
• Near the end of Parliment of Dreams, G'Kar and Na'Toth have an exchange with the assassin. Their cheerful delivery sells it:

G'Kar: You will know pain— Na'Toth: — and you will know fear— G'Kar: —and then you will die. Have a pleasant flight!

• • What makes it even funnier is that said assassin had said the same words earlier to G'Kar (this time as Evil Gloating, as they were his instructions on what to inflict on him). Turning his own words on him even as he's forced (by his guild's code) to go on the run was both very funny and very satisfying.
• Ivanova and Brother Edward are watching Brother Theo and Captain Sheridan play chess, and debate over who is going to win. Ivanova challenges the monk to bet money on it.

Brother Edward: Gambling is one of the lesser sins. I've always thought that if you are going to sin you should go for one of the really big ones.

• Garibaldi promising the EarthForce intelligence agent that he won't tell himself about the agent speaking to G'Kar.

Garibaldi: I try never to get involved in my own life. Too much trouble.

• G'Kar describes his activities during his incarceration:

G'Kar: Sometimes I even sing! Garibaldi: I know. There's a petition. G'Kar: For or against? Garibaldi: Based on the sound, they think we're torturing you. G'Kar laughs out loud

• Sheridan explaining to Delenn that he hasn't been able to get any sleep since Kosh died.

Sheridan: I've been having the kind of nightmares that make your hair stand on end. Delenn: Well, that would explain the Centauri...

• • Don't forget what she said before after calling him "grouchy."

Delenn: Never mind. Your face just broke the language barrier.

• Garibaldi finds out that Sheridan and Captain Lochley used to be married.

Garibaldi: How many wives has he got?

• Delenn has accepted Garibaldi's invitation to watch old Looney Tunes cartoons, and is seen holding a single piece of popcorn between thumb and forefinger like it's a dead bug.
• Ivanova has threatened to airlock a reporter. The reporter is not amused and takes it to Sheridan. Sheridan - absolutely deadpan - proceeds to ream Ivanova out. After all, the station is rather short on supplies - they can't be spacing perfectly good clothing.

Sheridan: I am shocked! Shocked and dismayed!... I'm sorry - she meant to say "stripped naked and thrown out an airlock".

• • And to continue the joke:

Reporter: We thought that if you knew we were reporters we would not be allowed on board. Sheridan: Well that was your first mistake. Here on Babylon 5, we have an open-door policy. Ivanova: And an open-airlock policy.

• Zack Allen is being fitted for his new uniform by Minbari tailors, but Zack is fidgeting because he finds it uncomfortable, then goes on to make a dig about Minbari fashion sense (to be fair, Vorlon Encounter Suits are pretty snazzy). Annoyed, one of the tailors jabs him with a needle. Zack complains to Lennier, and Lennier says he'll talk to her. Turns out he told her (paraphrasing) "Good job, and next time, use a bigger needle."
• Sinclair's marriage proposal to on-again, off-again girlfriend Catherine Sakai mixes this and heartwarming in equal measure, as he does it in typical Sinclair fashion.

Sinclair: Look, do you want to get married or don't you? Sakai: [beaming from ear to ear] Yes. Sinclair: [goofy grin] Well, good. How's April by you? Sakai: July's better. Sinclair: All right. [huskily] You want coffee? Sakai: No. [cue passionate snogging]

• In the audio commentary for In the Shadow of Z'Ha'Dum, it's revealed that the Vorlon Encounter suit is so cumbersome that the actor wearing it couldn't get through doors without turning sideways. Something about the image of the distinguished Vorlon ambassador having to turn sideways to get through a door is just hilarious. Also hilarious is the revelation that on the last day of shooting, the man who had to wear the encounter suit tied it to the back of a car and drove around the parking lot with it tied to the back of his car, because he just hated it so much.
• Just about any conversation with Kosh that isn't deadly serious is funny, thanks to his fondness for Cryptic Conversation and the Mathematician's Answer, not to mention his tendency to be something of a dick to people when they make serious personal requests.

Sinclair: I've never seen a monitor like that before. What is it? Kosh: Efficient....

• • Kosh's behaviour is further complicated by the fact that he also has a sense of humour (much to the surprise of nearly every other character). At the end of one typically confusing and uninformative exchange, Sheridan attempts to call him on being so cryptic:

Sheridan: I really hate it when you do that. Kosh: (with great satisfaction) Good.

• In the aftermath of their secession from Earth, the station is "rebooted" to get rid of any lingering surprises Clark's forces might have hidden in the software. Unfortunately, this temporarily replaces the station's standard computer with an obnoxious AI voiced by Harlan Ellison of all people. And Garibaldi is trapped in an elevator with it.

Sparky the Computer: Oh, not that my feelings would have any meaning for you, but why are you having these people poke me all over the place. I'm a perfectly reasonable Artificial Personality. Nobody's ever complained before, but I guess some people just aren't happy unless they're messing it up for everyone else. You know, you really should stand up straight. Your mother and I have been worried about this for years. We've been trying to talk to you about it but... Garabaldi draws his gun and shoots the speaker.

• Delenn has the damnedest gaps in her vocabulary. Mira Furlan just sells the whole thing.
• When the heroes attempt to rescue Sheridan from Room101, Garibaldy tries to charm his way past the guards by appealing to his hero status (he was the one who betrayed Sheridan), which was big news on TV. Unfortunately, the guard is not impressed:

The Guard: "I don't watch TV. It's a cultural wasteland filled with inappropriate metaphors and an unrealistic portrayal of life created by the liberal media elite."

• When Garibaldi finally wakes up after having been shot in the back, what are the first words out of his mouth to Franklin?

Garibaldi: What's up, Doc?

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