Deadpan Snarker/Quotes

"Darwin was wrong. Man's still an ape." —E.K. Hornbeck, Inherit the Wind

Comic Book Guy: Oh, yeah, everyone's real happy now. Lindsey Naegle: Do I detect a hint of sarcasm? Professor Frink: Are you kidding, this baby is off the chart! Comic Book Guy: Ooh, a sarcasm detector! That's a real useful invention! *sarcasm detector explodes* —The Simpsons

Dilbert: On this graph, I have plotted the frequency of snide comments that you have made about me. I'm happy to report that the recent trend is downward. See the big dip? Dogbert: Get out your pencil... —Dilbert

Lashowe: Do you know how many Sith there are on this planet? Jolee Bindo: Twelve! No, wait! Thirteen! Canderous Ordo: Nice one, old man. Jolee Bindo: Thank you. It takes effort to be properly irreverent at my age. —Knights of the Old Republic

"That's my job; deliver witty one liners and give bad news." —Alistair, Dragon Age: Origins

Meg: [nervously] What are you going to do if I tell you? Erik: Steal her away from the pretty boy kicking and screaming, and drag her down to my underground lair to make her my eternal bride. <Beat> I am being sarcastic, of course. —Erik: The Vampire Hunter

[Jeremy Clarkson and James May are doing challenges in classic luxury limousines which they actually own: a 1963 Mercedes Benz 600 Grosser and a 1972 Rolls Royce Corniche, respectively] Clarkson: [standing in front of the Mercedes' boot] Are you ready for this? May: [bored] Yes... [Clarkson pushes a button and the boot lid closes] May: That's brilliant actually, I have to concede that, because what I've always found really difficult is this. [opens and closes the boot lid of his Rolls-Royce easily] —Top Gear

"Division of labor. I come up with the plans, and you laugh at them." —Vlad Taltos, Iorich

Are you always a wise-ass? No, sometimes I'm asleep. —Harry Dresden, Blood Rites

Baco: There's things living down here, aren't there? Terrible scary things with very sharp teeth? And monstrously bad breath... very, very warm bad breath... that tickles the back of your neck when one is right behind you. (Baco ducks, and the monster jumps over him and attacks Wyl Tarson, only to be shot by Laynara) Laynara: I hate bad breath. (another time, the team is waiting for a saboteur to deactivate a force field protecting the communications center they're trying to break into...) Baco: Wow ... I never thought there'd be so much sitting around on a suicide mission. Wyl: If you'd like to volunteer to test that energy barrier, then by all means. It could be a fake, you know. Baco: (pointing to a skeleton lying just in front of the force field) No, that's fine. He covered it. —Star Wars: Rebellion volume 2: The Ahakista Gambit

Sif: "You would call your brother a simpering Lady?" Loki: [dryly] "The Lady Thor's womanly charm is unmatched by all but our mother." —Trials of the Trickster King, Chapter Five (No, it is not a Gender Flip fic)

I am moving across the country. It is moderately time-consuming. —Alicorn, explaining why HTHT wouldn't update on July 28

Frasier: When was the last time you had an unexpressed thought? Niles: I'm having one now. —The Establishing Character/Relationship Moment, Frasier

Cylon Pilot: Sir, if I may Baltar: Not now. I don't want to miss a moment of the last battlestar's destruction Cylon Pilot: I really think you should take a look at the other battlestar —Battlestar Galactica

Charlie: I don't pay you to insult me! Berta: You'd have to pay me not to. —Two and A Half Men

Avon: Shut up, Tarrant. Tarrant: What did you say? Avon: I said shut up, I apologise for not realising you are deaf. Tarrant: There's something else you haven't realised. I don't take any orders from you! Avon: Well that's a pity, since your own ideas are so very limited. Tarrant: Don't try and bluff your way with me Avon. I know what's been needling you all along. With Blake gone you thought you'd got it made, didn't you. You thought you'd got control of this ship and a crew of five who'd say "Yes Avon, whatever you want Avon." But you reckoned without me! Avon: That wouldn't be too difficult. —Blake's 7

Frankly Baldrick, if a hungry cannibal were to crack open your skull, I doubt they'd be enough brains in there to cover a small water biscuit. —Edmund Blackadder, Blackadder

I'm not sure if you're aware Tom but the mob isn't generally in the habit of electing ungodly apostates who denigrate people of faith.” —Gaius Baltar, Battlestar Galactica (2004)

Vesper Lynd: So as charming as you are Mr. Bond, I will be keeping my eye on our government's money and off of your perfectly formed arse. James Bond: You noticed. —Casino Royale

Devon: We're trapped! Trapped! Cornwall: Stuck here with you for five hundred years. Devon: Oh dear, it's learned to count. Cornwall: If you'd got me a good lawyer, I'd have split four hundred years ago. Devon: Now listen here pal, I didn't come here to be insulted. Cornwall: Oh. Where d'ya usually go? —Quest for Camelot

Don't go away angry. Just ... just go away. —Jones, Heartbreak Ridge

Haven't you heard of science's latest triumph? The doorbell. —Waldo Lydecker, Laura

Margo Channing: What are you doing here Addison? I distinctly remember crossing you off my guest list. Addison De Witt: Dear Margo, you were an unforgettable Peter Pan, you must play it again soon. You remember Miss Gene Caswell? Margo: I do not, how do you do? —All About Eve