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General

  • Whenever Brian acts like an actual dog.
    • From "Back to the Woods", when Brian, who is tied up to the pole because James Woods, who has recently stolen Peter's identity (and everything he has), does not like the fact that Brian is snooping around:
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 Brian (tugging on rope): This is humiliating. I went to Brown, for God's sa--

(spots squirrel running past, starts chasing and barking at it wildly until the rope snags him backward)

Brian (confused) : What the hell? The rope was longer, now it's shorter! What kind of black magic is this?

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  • Peter Griffin's epic fights with Ernie the Giant Chicken.
  • Adam West. Cloudcuckoolander taken to extremes.
    • I believe you mean ADAM WE.
    • All of his scenes in the episode about gay marriage.
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 West: (seeing his own blood) Oh my God... I'm a tomato!

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    • "Perhaps it was the Noid...who should have avoided ME."
    • "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I'm trying to get all the As out."
    • "So it's a shouting contest you want, is it? Well, game on, Quahog! AAAAH! AAAAH! AAAAH! AAA- I'm beating you!"
    • The Adam West song.
    • And let's not forget the cat launcher, which is a crossbow with cats. It's as awesome as it sounds.
    • Kebert Xela.
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  West: Only by saying his name backwards can you send him back to the fifth dimension where he belongs.

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    • Adam West wanted all graves covered with concrete because he's afraid of zombies. "You'll thank me when no one eats our brains. You'll thank me." He later runs away screaming "zombie" after Quagmire comes out of his grave.
  • The Running Gag where Peter's latest contraption gashes a hole in Cleveland's house, making Cleveland, in his bathtub, come crashing to the ground.
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 Peter: Oh yeah, Cleveland moved...

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    • Made even FUNNIER than, in an episode, a missile launched by Mayor West STILL manages to land and hit Cleveland's house in his own show!
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 Cleveland: No,no, no, no, no, no, nooooooo! * Falls*

Tim the Bear: * Walks in screen* ...I don't get it!

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    • And then the gag manages to be incorporated into "Something, Something, Something, Dark Side", when Cleveland as R2D2 falls into the Dagobah swamp!
    • On The Cleveland Show, Cleveland's ex is in the tub and crashes with it, only she dies.
  • The famous hurt knee.
    • I preferred Lois's version myself, in which she hurt her breast.
  • The "sounds of the rain forest" cutaway certainly qualifies.
    • Not to mention the "Sounds of the Studio Audience" commercial.
  • And now here's Ollie Williams, with the BlaccuWeather forecast. Ollie?
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 Ollie: IT'S GON' RAIN!

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    • Thanks, Ollie.
    • Also, Ollie's bit in the one with the hurricane:
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 Ollie: IT'S RAININ' SIDEWAYS!

Tom: Do you have an umbrella, Ollie?

Ollie: HAD ONE!

Tom: Where is it?

Ollie: INSIDE OUT, TWO MILES AWAY!

Tom" Well, can we get you anything?

Ollie: BRING ME SOME SOUP!

Tom: What Kind?

Ollie: CHUNKY!

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    • EGGO! That is all.
    • I'M AT THE WRONG AIRPORT!
    • WHO WANTS THIS DOG!?
    • SPACE WEATHER!
    • When Quahog is in the grip of a massive heatwave:
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 Tom: How are you beating the heat, Ollie?

Ollie: (swings by on a tire swing) SWIMMIN' HOLE!

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 Tom: How does the weather look, Ollie?

Ollie: (calmly) Not too bad.

Tom: Right on.

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    • HE GON' GET IT!
  • Anytime Bruce the performance artist or anything that sounds like him shows up.
  • The Kix cereal cutaway.
  • Any time Joe yells.
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 Joe: "This is stupid. I wanna talk about VAGINAS!"

Joe: "You're getting SLACKS!"

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Season One

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 Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much.

Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed!

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Season Two

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 Peter: (after seeing Hitler, John Wilkes Booth, and Al Capone sitting alongside Superman) What are you doing here?

Superman: I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet, so I ripped her in half like a phone book.

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  • "Show me potato salad!"
  • Also from "Da Boom", when a giant mutant rat approaches Joe, who is fused from the waist down to the concrete in his driveway, with the intent to eat him.
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 Joe: BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!

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 (Brian is driving in his car, when suddenly a man walks in the road and is hit - Brian steps out of the car to look at the man)

Brian: Oh my God! Are you Stephen King?

Man: No, I'm Dean Koontz.

Brian: (uninterested) Oh.

(Brians walks back to his car, runs over Koontz once more...then backs up and runs him over twice for good measure.)

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  • The time Stewie ends up with a white family who has adopted multicultural kids, while he's jonesing for pancakes.
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 Stewie: I want pancakes! God, do you people understand every language except English? Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez moi pancakes! Click click bloody click pancakes!

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    • Earlier that episode:
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 Stewie: Flappy, guess what? I've decided not to kill you!

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  • In "Death is a Bitch", when Death asks what the world would be like if Hitler were still alive. We get a hilarious cutaway gag to Hitler with his own talkshow, ending in addressing the audience that, if they would like tickets to the show, they should call "213-DU WERDEST EINE KRANKENSCHWESTER BRAUCHEN!". Doubly hilarious for those that speak German and realize that, roughly translated, it means "You will need a nurse!"
  • Peter's version of The King and I.
    • "I now declare Siam, The United States of America!" (sings a song ending with a line about Paul Lynde being gay).
  • Peter trying to breast-feed Stewie.
    • "A boat's a boat, but the mystery box could be anything! It could even be a boat!"
  • From "If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'":
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 Peter: "Well, until you put Gumbel 2 Gumbel back on the air, I'm going to go on a hunger strike. How about that, huh? Want that on your conscience?"

(brief pause)

Peter: "You gonna eat that stapler?"

Executive: "You can't eat a stapler..."

Peter: "Wanna split it?"

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    • Peter's and Chris's "Make a Wish" scam gets out of hand:
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 Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.

Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't...nothing?

Peter: Oh yeah.

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  • And then there was that time Peter got caught peeping in the lady's locker room...
  • Meg and Peter walking along in New York when the background suddenly changes to that of The Flintstones. They look around in absolute confusion before slowly backing away.
  • Brian and Stewie trying to get home via a crop-duster plane. They try to take off...only to put the plane between two cows, snapping the wings clean off. Stewie's completely deadpan reaction:
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 Stewie: Oh, won't your face be red when they find the black box on this one.

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    • This gem, as they travel in a stolen car.
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 Brian: Look, I just need some time to think.

Stewie: Yes, you've got lots to think about, don't you? Public drunkenness, grand theft auto...

Brian: You left out the part where I made you smash your head into the windshield.

Stewie: Well now, funny, I don't recall...

(Slams on the brakes, makes Stewie smash into the windshield)

Stewie: Yes, well, I suppose I walked right into that one.

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 "Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry!"

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  • Drive-by arguments.
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 Englishman: I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stifworth, the young upstart chap who's been touting the merits of a united European commonwealth?

Jeremy: Why yes, I daresay it is.

Englishman: Oh, let's get him.

They drive up

Englishman: Oh Reginald...

(Reginald perks up)

Englishman: I DISAGREE! (car peels off)

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  • Most of the jokes in the earlier episode, "He's Too Sexy for His Fat".
    • When fleas infest their household:
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 Peter Griffin: There's only one thing to do--learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, and breed with their women. And in time our differences will be forgotten.

Lois: CALL THE DAMN EXTERMINATOR!!!

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    • The exterminators themselves act as if they were from a cheesy action show and use overblown tactics to kill the fleas and acting terrified of the fleas as if they were armed combatants. Particular highlights include using sub machine guns and blowing up a flea with a grenade.
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Got one over here! (Proceed to attack a flea with nightsticks)

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    • After Peter gets surgery to make himself more attractive -
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 Lois: "Ahh, I hate what you've become. Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head?"

Peter: "Maybe I will! Then I'll put it on my feet and skate around on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks!"

Lois: "That doesn't make any sense!"

Peter: "It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful!"

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    • After Peter's introduces his new thin body to the family - Stewie: "My god, it's finally happened! He's become so massive he's collapsed into himself, like a neutron star!"
    • Little Girl: "But mister, I need real money. I can't take a credit card." Peter: "Oh, cash only, huh, huh? No paper trail, huh? What are you selling? Reefer? Crack? Smack? Horse? X? Shrooms? Dust? Meth? In my neighborhood? I don't think so!" (Peter smashes the lemonade stand).
    • "Well if my son can't come in, then I'll just come in!
  • Stewie trying to buy instruments of carnage at the hardware store using a mind-controlled Chris. Seth Green affecting a Chris-ified version of Stewie's plummy Evil Brit accent while spouting Stewie-esque Ax Crazy threats is hysterical.
    • The "Family Guy Cast and Creator" episode of Inside The Actor's Studio reveals that this is Seth Green's favorite Chris scene.
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 Young Peter: Why did all the dinosaurs die out?

Museum Guide: Because you touch yourself at night.

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    • "I-I'm not drunk, alright, I just have a speech impediment. * puke* And a stomach virus. *collapse* And an inner ear infection."
  • Peter showing Chris how to eat an oreo.

Season Three

  • The one where Peter visits Brian at the rehab and gives a fake name when posing as an addict.
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 while George is fighting a burglar"Hey, hey. Quiet down out there!. Ya wacky Beatle..."

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  • "Well Tom, it appears the real arsonist is in custody, thanks to an anonymous tip to the authorities." "Good. Good."
  • Meg's Fast Times at Ridgemont High-spoofing fantasy about Tom Tucker in "The Kiss Seen 'Round The World".
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 Stewie: We're playing house.

Lois: That boy is all tied up...

Stewie: Roman Polanski's house.

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  • Peter's inability to control the volume of his voice in "Mr. Saturday Knight"
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 Mr. Weed: Hello, Peter. How are you?

Peter: FINE! (whispering) Please come in.

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  • The Griffin men if they were more cultured.
  • The gag from "Emission Impossible" where Stewie puts on lipstick in order to get it all over Peter's shirt hoping Lois will think he's unfaithful and therefore not try to have another kid with him. Then he sees himself in the mirror...
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 Stewie: You want it bad, and you don't care how you get it because you have no self-respect and that gets you off!

Brian: Wow, the evidence is really piling up.

Stewie: Make any joke you want! You KNOW I look good!

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  • "I loooove chocolate, but I can't eat it because then I'll get FAT."
    • "But it's SOOOOOOO GOOOOOOD."
  • Peter converting the living room into a replica of Pee-Wee's Playhouse in the episode "Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?" Especially Brian's line:
    • Brian: Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hiney h-ohh God, I hate you so much.
    • How about Peter narrating his own life?
  • Lois finally snapping in the Christmas episode when Meg says they're out of paper towels. "No...paper...TOWELS??!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!" Made even funnier after she's raged at the family she then runs outside having completely lost it and Meg finds the paper towels. "Oh, here's the paper towels!"
  • Any scene with The Pope in "Road to Europe".
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 Cardinal: Pope?...Pope! Is time to get up and put on your hat.

Pope: Is a stupid hat!

[later]

Pope: You make-a the Pope look like a fool! God will make you pay! SMITE THEM! [pause] "He's-a cooking something up."

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 Brian: You wanna go get some ice cream?

(Stewie shakes his head no)

Brian: You wanna get some Mc Donald's?

(Stewie shakes his head no)

Brian: You wanna take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes?

(Stewie nods his head yes)

Brian: Okay, let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.

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    • And, in the "Kiss-Stock" subplot, when two members of Kiss walk out, and the other break into "Chatanooga Choo-Choo", surprising the crowd.
  • Anything with William Shatner. Character Tics doesn't even begin to cover it.
  • His pants split, revealing his underwear which has Captain's Log written on the crotch.
    • "Oh-fiddler, ontheroof - seems crazy, no? But in our-littletown-of... Anatevka... KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
  • From "Mr. Griffin Goes To Washington", in the scene where the cigarette company coated the entire house in Teflon, Stewie slides past on his butt, naked. Which is funny enough on it's own, but then he says:
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 Stewie: I'm nudes on ice!

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    • Bob Dole: Bob Dole's a friend of the tobacco industry. Bob Dole likes your style. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole...Bob Dole...Bob...Dole... *falls asleep*

Season Four

  • The first scene after its resurrection is possibly one of the funniest Take Thats to one's own network that I've ever seen.
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 Peter: Everybody I've got bad news. We've been canceled.

Lois: Oh no, Peter! How could they do that?

Peter: Well unfortunately Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We just gotta accept the fact that FOX has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That '80s Show, Wonderfalls, Fastlane, Andy Richter Controls The Universe, Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, Freaky Links, Wanda At Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute With Stan Hooper, Normal Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric The Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, and Greg the Bunny.

Lois: Is there no hope?

Peter: Well I suppose if ALL those shows go down the tubes we might have a shot.

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    • Peter and Lois' dirty talk.
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 Lois: Honey, what do you say we uh...christen these new sheets, huh?

Peter: Why Lois Griffin, you naughty girl.

Lois: Hehehe...that's me.

Peter: You dirty hustler.

Lois: Hehehehe...

Peter: You filthy, stinky prostitute.

Lois: Aha, okay, I get it...

Peter: You foul, venereal disease carrying, street walking whore.

Lois: Alright, that's enough!

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  • The following from "Don't Make Me Over":
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 Stewie: (singing) I want to have Intercourse with You with you. Uh-oh-yeah. Intercourse with you.

Brian: (singing) Relations.

Stewie: Intercourse with you-oo-oo-whoo! Right?

Brian: Yeah, no great, that sounds good.

Stewie: All right, groovy, groovy. Now, is there a shorter word for intercourse?

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  • The Petercopter and the Hindenpeter. "HOW CAN YOU AFFORD THESE THINGS?!"
    • Earlier, by the barbershop quartet plus Peter, You Have AIDS.
    • (Peter in a Quagmire Mask humping Brian in a Loretta Mask) "I"m Quagmire, I'm Quagmire, you're my best friend's wife but who cares? I'm Quagmire!"
  • The part where Quagmire uses Adam West's banana to try to fend off Cleveland:
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 Adam West: When the time comes, you'll know what to do.

  • Quagmire tosses banana at Cleveland, who stops for about half a second*

Quagmire: Dammit! *chase resumes*

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  Oh, you're just curious! Here, let me show you how everything works down there!

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 Peter: "WHAT was the point of all that?! Argh! All it does is shoot ya! It doesn't make breakfast at all! Owww!"

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    • The ipecac contest always, always leaves me in tears of laughter.
  • WHO ELSE BUT QUAGMIRE?
    • He's Quagmire! Quagmire! You never really know what he's gonna do next! He's Quagmire! Quagmire!
      • Quagmire: Giggidy, giggidy, let's have sex!
    • "The Asian Trix Rabbit."
    • Three's Company AsianTown
    • "Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of the pieces to my Lite Brite! My name's not Adam We!...Or is it...? Who am I? What number did you dial?! Don't ever call me again."
    • Peter and "that thing" he and Lois do "every Thursday night". At the top of the stairs. (It was originally going to be even worse too.)
  • The scene where Chris gets pulled into the "Take On Me" music video while trying to retrieve milk from the store, coupled with his confused reaction afterward:
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 Lois: Chris, where have you been?

Chris: I DON'T KNOW!

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 Peter: This looks like a job for the A-Team! (slams his gun down and shoots a hole in the ceiling, causing Chris to fall face-first onto the floor)

Chris: Hi, Dad!

Peter: Chris, go to your room.

Chris: Okay! (runs up the stairs and falls through the hole again face first)

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    • Brian meets a girl in college:
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Speaker: "Look to your left. Now look to your right. Statistics indicate that both of those men will rape you."

-Man on the left: I'm not gonna rape you.
Man on the right: I might.
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    • Any gag involving James Bottomtooth.
  • Brian trying to cheer up Peter with "It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time", especially when Peter leaves the room and he just keeps at it.
    • Stewie's reaction to Peter taking him to Disney World.
  • Peter announces to everyone that he's fat.
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 I bid $780.

And your bid, Sarah?

What was the last bid, Bob?

$780, Sarah.

I bid $781.

>Fuck you!

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 Peter: Say, uh, how much for the fat guy in the circle?

Pat: That's you.

Peter: Oh, embarrassing...

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    • The fake death for Quagmire that Peter, Joe, and Cleveland set up.
  • Lois and Peter 'roleplaying':
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 Lois (dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl): Oh, I need a spankin'. I'm a bad, bad girl!

Peter: I'm a Paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points. I can use my helm of disintegration and do one D4 damage as my half-elf mage wields his plus-five holy avenger.

Lois: Paladins can't use the helm of disintegration!

Peter: Oh. Then I'm a black guy!

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    • P.S. A Mage wielding a +5 Holy Avenger with a Paladin in the party? Yeah, Peter's a terrible roleplayer.
    • Peter challenging Lois to a race around the world.
    • The Vasectomy Song.
  • Brian telling Lois about what he watched on TV on the episode "Deep Throats": "I just watched a VH1 special on Gwen Stefani. I still don't know what a hollaback girl is. All I know is that I want her dead."
    • Peter and Lois licking Chris like ice cream when they're high.
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 Chris: (sobbing) Stop!

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    • The uncut version of Lois and Peter lying on top of each other naked on the couch much to Stewie and Brian's discomfort:
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 Brian: "All we need is one incriminating entry in this datebook and that's our ticket to...

(He and Stewie see Lois and Peter lying completely naked on the sofa)

Peter: "Hey Brian. What's up?

Brian: "Uh, hi, um, Lois...Peter..."

Lois: "Brian, did you know this couch was here? It's sooo comfortable!"

Peter: "Hey, Lois. Look how short Stewie is. (laughs) He's so short. (continues laughing)

Lois: "Oh my God, he is short."

(both laugh hysterically)

Lois: "Hey, Brian. He's knocking on the back door! What should I do?"

Brian: "What?"

Lois: "He's knocking on the back door! Should I let him in? I'm so scared!"

Stewie: "Well, um, you two are busy being nude, so, um, we'll just head out and uh...let you be nude."

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 Jude: These ants are ruining our picnic!

Renee: You mean the picnic is ruining our ants! (Cue scene of Renee Zellweger eating ants set to Roll To Me.)

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    • The lawyer being forced by Carter to fight the Rancor, but he somehow wins the battle...
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 Carter: Huh, I didn't know that "Greenberg" was a Jedi name...

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 Stewie: "Uh! Oh my god. No way.

Stewie: "Oh, bitch, you got jacked, bitch!"

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  • Brian in Heaven:
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 Brian: "Wow, I can't believe I'm in heaven and drinking with Kurt Cobain, Ernest Hemingway, and Vincent van Gogh! But still, it feels like we all got here a little earlier than we should have."

Ernest Hemingway: "Yeah, well, I collapsed under the weight of my own genius and shot myself."

Vincent Van Gogh: "I could not reconcile my passion with the way others were living around me, so I shot myself."

Kurt Cobain: "I hated the thought of my music becoming part of some bland corporate mechanism, so I shot myself."

Brian: (sheepishly) "Yeah, I...I just got into the garbage and ate some chocolate."

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    • Also from the movie, there's Stewie's defacement of Brian's grave (he crosses Brian's name and writes "Douchebag" on it):
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 Stewie: "Ha!"

Stu: "I don't think you should do that..."

Stewie: "And why not? I hated that dog."

Stu: "It's just that that word has taken on a different meaning since President Douchebag."

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 Brian: WRONG! It's WRONG! (pounds table)

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  "You know what really grinds my gears? You, America! Fuck you!" Diane?

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  • From "Eight Simple Rules For Buying My Teenage Daughter" when Meg tells Lois she could be having a life on Saturday night:
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 Lois: "Meg, if you don't want to babysit anymore, that's fine, but don't you stand there and lie to me."

Peter: "OH-HO Meg, she torched your ass man! She torched your ass!"

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    • From the same episode:
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 Peter: Hey Mort, do these suppositories come in other flavors?

Mort: Peter, are you eating those?

Peter: No, I'm shoving 'em up my butt. Of course I'm eating 'em!

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    • Also,
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  Stewie: (to Jeremy, the babysitter's boyfriend) Ha! I got your hat! Take that, hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hackey sac tourney! I'm not gonna lay down for some frat boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits and his Abercrombie and Fitch long sleeved, open stitched, crew neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow"! Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you? SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at 1 in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar skank ladder!

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    • It's a bad joke on Meg but still:
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 Meg: Please go out with me. I'm just trying to make Neil jealous. I promise I'll pay and everything.

Boy: Yeah...uhh...that sounds cool but I'm gonna be in the hospital that night. (shoots himself in the stomach with a nail gun)

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  • In the episode "The Perfect Castaway", Peter says that he used to be a construction worker in New York, but he never got the catcalling right. Cue to Peter working on a construction site with three other guys while an attractive woman walks by:
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 First worker: (whistles)

Second worker: Yeah, baby!

Third worker: I want a piece of that!

Peter: YOU SUCK!

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  • Peter at his cousins wedding, during a cutaway:
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 Preacher: If anyone has any objections, Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace.

Peter: *Looks around* Really? No one's gonna speak up? I'm the one whose gonna have to say it? Alright...GENITAL WARTS!

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  • Stewie, with curlers and a clay face mask on, yelling at Chris to get in the house in "Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High".
  • Peter sprays himself with Tag Sick Cat Body Spray.
  • "Blind Ambition": Blind!Peter accidentally climbing into Chris's and then Stewie's bed because he thinks they're Lois. Stewie's reaction is the best. "WHAT THE DEUCE?!"
  • From "Petarded": Peter is a tumor.
  • In "Jungle Love":
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 Lady Guinevere: Oh, Arthur, if you can remove this sword from it's stone, and prove that you are the true king of England, I will make love to you in this very field.

Arthur: What if I just move it a little? Will you touch me?

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Read more tv spoilers at: http://www.tvfanatic.com/quotes/shows/family-guy/episodes/jungle-love/#ixzz1v1w9fou8


Season Five

  • Stewie faking an overdose to get Lois' attention in "Stewie Loves Lois".
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 Brian: You look like a jackass.

Stewie: Can't hear you, Brian; I'm dead.

Brian: All right. *plugs up the toilet with a towel, then flushes*

Stewie: What did you do? *toilet overflows and begins to flood the bathroom* Oh, that is so not cool...

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    • Kermit the racist.
  • "Dude, these animals are so FUCKING funny!"
    • "THEY MAKE ME WANNA MERGE WITHOUT LOOKING!"
    • "Yeah! Rumsfeld!"
  • The army episode full stop, but one line in particular.
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 Peter: Don't listen to her Chris, the army is great! You get free food, they pay for college and all the brown people you can rape.

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 "So who wants to hear a good story about a bridge?" (everyone Face Palm)s

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    • Peter's new porn hiding place.
    • Chester Cheetah, the exemplar of cool:
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 (Chester's run-down apartment, "Tom Sawyer" by Rush is playing; Chester chops up a pile of Cheetos with a razor blade like it was cocaine...and then snorts a line of it.)

Chester: (snort) OHHHHHH THERE IS NO FUCKING DRUMMER IN THE WORLD GREATER THAN NEAL PEART! (slams his fist into the glass table, shattering it; regards his now glass-strewn hand nonchalantly) It ain't easy being cheezy.

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  • The Opal Ring Crusade.
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 "He's sitting informally like us! Let's hear what he has to say."

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  • Peter teaching Sex Ed by repeatedly smashing a Rainbow Brite doll into a bust of William Shakespeare.
  • Peter's chick flick Steel Vaginas in "Chick Cancer."
    • WE GOTTA GET THIS WOMAN TO SURGERY, RIGHT STAT NOW!
      • Joe's "fake legs" (seemingly ripped from an NES game) in said scene.
      • And Joe's reaction to the finished movie: "My ass is actually sore. MY ass is actually sore."
    • When Stewie and Olivia start dating. They spend the day together and leave before dark because the area they're in is dangerous at night. We then see a lion and a robot fight each other.
    • The "Look at my kids" scene.
  • The Wiz Shout-Out with a large number of black people randomly dancing in the streets after Mayor West sends the entire police department to Colombia to "rescue" an actress that was there fifteen years ago.
  • "Say whip." "Whip." "Now say Cool Whip." "Coo' Hwip." "Cool Whip!" "Coo' Hwhip." "You're eating hair!" *spit*
    • "Just relax. We're gonna be here for a hwhile!"
    • "Brian, you're acting hweird!"
      • "Oh, COME ON! That one doesn't even have an H in it!"
    • "Do you have the hwhip?"
  • From the same episode, of which the A plot is Meg falling in love with Brian whilst his attempts to reject her just don't get through to her. One of the ways he tries to get out of a relationship with her is pretending he's homosexual.
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 Brian: "I saw this penis on the internet the other day, and I thought to myself; 'Well that's...that's just fine.'"

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    • Later in the same scene:
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 Brian: "I have plans with Chris. We're gonna do...uh...what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon."

Chris: "Masturbate?"

Brian: "Masturbate, we're gonna masturbate together!

Chris: "Well, maybe back-to-back, but I gotta tell you, I ain't 100% on this."

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  • The carjacking scene from the episode, "Road to Rupert".
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 Random Guy #1: "She is messed up, man!"

Stewie: "Shut up, okay? Just shut up and let me fuckin' think!"

  • Stewie drives for a few seconds, then stops*

Stewie: "Push her out!"

Random Guy #2: "We can't leave her alone!"

Stewie: "PUSH THE BITCH OUT!"

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    • After Francis died, Peter buried him in a pet cemetery and he inexplicably burst out of the ground, prompting Peter to beat him with his shovel.
    • The time Peter got stuck behind Robert Loggia at the airport.
    • After Peter smokes crack (which he bought from a white guy selling it at Black's Hardware Store) to keep from drinking: "Gubment came and took my baaaaaaaaaby!"
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 Brian: "Peter, what're you doing?!"

Peter: "Crack."

Brian: "What the FUCK?!"

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  • Stewie delving into the tanning lifestyle. He goes into a tanning bed, tasking Brian to wake him up in fifteen minutes. Brian falls asleep on the couch. For six-and-a-half hours. When he wakes Stewie up, he's roughly the same color as his overalls and can't move without inflicting extreme agony upon himself.
    • Immediately after he gets out of the tanning bed, he asks Brian to put some lotion on him. As Mr. Furley from Three's Company walks in, and from his point of view, Stewie's kneeling at Brian's feet with white stuff sprayed on his face...
    • The "movie" Stewie's tan friend wrote that is basically Brokeback Mountain from the point of view of the horses. The horse's reaction to what he saw in the tent...
    • "Wocka wocka wocka. Who wants to hear a funny ass joke?" That is all.
  • What happens when you date a hot girl with bad laugh? Well...
    • Peter eats half of a fudgesicle in one bite, and proceeds to cry out in agony until his head EXPLODES!
  • Ladies and gentleman, Mr. Conway Twitty.
  • "Decoys, Lois. Decoys!"
  • "FORM UP CRIPPLETRON!!"
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 Peter: Ben Stiller, help me!

Ben: No, Peter. I heard what you said about my movies."

Peter: How?

Ben: Uh, HELLO!

Peter: GO TO HELL, YOU MUTANT OFFSPRING OF COMEDY PEOPLE!

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 Lex Luthor: How did she(Lois) discover our plan?

Solomon Grundy: ME SOLOMON GRUNDY kind of dropped the ball on that one.

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    • Peter's cowboy song.
    • "Donny Most..."
      • It's Don Most now.
    • The guys talking about their work on Lois's campaign.
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 Peter: Boy, you guys, I really appreciate all the help you've given us. Expect for you, Quagmire, you ain't done nothing.

Quagmire: What the hell are you talkin' about? Lois is gonna get the entire female vote because of me. I've been having sex with every woman in town nonstop for the past two days. If I tried to masturbate right now, you know what would come out? A little flag with the word "bang" on it.

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  • In "Meet the Quagmires," after Brian's rendition of "Never Gonna Give You Up", it cuts to a shot of the audience, standing still and gaping. After a few seconds, we hear a random person say, "I didn't like any of that." It's just the way he says it that makes it so funny.
  • One episode has Peter blowing a raspberry every time Meg's name is mentioned, prompting Chris to then repeat Meg's name over and over again until Lois tells him to stop. At the end of the episode, he does so again, but actually farts on the last mention of Meg. "Uh-oh...Pardon me."
  • After Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland share their fears about the proctologist, Joe says: "You guys are a bunch of queers." And rolls away. And comes back and says, "AND SO AM I!"
  • Peter's Oh Crap reaction and how he hides in a tree from Lois after he beats up Kyle in a rage.
  • "Saving Private Brian": Peter trying to cover the sounds of his farts by coughing at a meeting.
  • In "Hell Comes To Quahog" Meg says she's going to get a job to pay for a car and Chris tells her he'll pay her a dollar a day to smell his sneakers. His repeated laughing and the family's bored reactions to this are hilarious.

Season Six

  • "Man, hyperspace always looks so freaky..."
    • Made even better if you're a Doctor Who fan.
    • And the rest of the Star Wars parody for that matter.
  • Herbert at his stand singing "YMCA" in "Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air"
  • "Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid your coma's in a daughter."
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 Trisha Takanowa: What kind of cancer?

Ten Speed Guy: It's rectal cancer, it's slowly eating away at my lower insides, uh, it's quick process, both painful and untreatable, and it's a great way to stay in shape.

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  • The 72 "virgins"
  • Brian showing Stewie 2girls1cup.
  • Peter watches BET's newest earth science program, "Damn, nature! You scary." (from 0:59)
  • The entirety of the episode where Brian has a son.
    • Specifically, there's something strangely funny when Brian's potential date said that magic is sexy. But the real laughs came when Peter, for no reason at all, dressed as Count Dracula with a big groin:
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 Brian: Peter, that costume doesn't make any sense.

Peter (defensively): Don't stifle my creativity!

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    • "My Pot! Your Pot?"
  • "Anna took a dump on me!"
  • Peter's identity is stolen by James Woods, so Peter steals his and gets revenge by ruining his career. He does so by announcing "his" new comedy, September 11th: Two Thousand FUN.
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  Peter (posing as James Woods): "I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And whaddya think I see comin'? A plane. And I go, 'Come on!' I-it's real old style comedy, you know? It's like two pies in the face...and one in a field in Pennsylvania."

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Season Seven

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 Adam West: My God, is it possible? *to his aide* Have the boys at the lab confirm this!

Scientist: Sir, our math shows that the bird is equal to or greater than the word.

West: CHECK IT AGAIN!

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 Meg: I love you, Jesus!

Jesus: I love you too, fella.

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 See 'n Say: The cow says: "Shazoo!"

Stewie: It most certainly does not!

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    • Leading to a Brick Joke later, after the time machine.
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 Brian: Where are we?

Cow: Shazoo!

Stewie: Looks like we're in Europe.

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  • The part in "Baby Not On Board" with the tropical birds. "My tropical bird collection, just in case." "Just in case WHAT? We're not gonna need a dozen tropical birds." "Oh, I was not aware that you could see the future, Lois. Can I go ahead and get tomorrow's lottery number? Stupid woman."
  • The ending of "The Man With Two Brians". You can see New Brian slowly pressing Stewie's Berserk Button hard enough to break the console. The cut to the aftermath is purely supplementary by the end of it.
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 It'll be my 3rd strike! I can't go to prison, they'll rape me! And I'll never see them coming, I won't.

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 "Welcome back and Joaquin Phoenix if you're still watching, thanks for being a sport. You passed our test and you can be our friend."

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  • Four Words: Slowly Rotating Black Man.
  • Peter must repeat the third grade in the episode "Tales of a Third Grade Nothing" and, as such, must attend show and tell. One girl shows the class her Malibu Barbie doll.
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 Peter: "Oh, my god. Who the hell cares?

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Season Eight

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 Stewie: "So, how does it feel to be on a major network for thirty seconds?"

Chris: "Fuck you!"

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      • Made all the funnier when you realize who voices who.
    • When Brian and Stewie are a real baby and a real dog.
  • When Quagmire thought he was getting the spin-off.
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 "See ya later, bitches! With your stupid fuckin' Giant Chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty -- Hey, why's there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house?"

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    • The sequence where Quagmire discovers internet porn. It was good for a twofer: first, there's the scene in the bar where you realize Quagmire, the pervert extraordinaire, has no idea that porn can be found on the internet. Then the scene later on where Peter sees him again after a long time...and he's got an absolutely massive right arm.
    • Left arm, actually. Making it cannon, I guess, that Quagmire is left-handed.
  • Peter's Palestinian alarm clock. It explodes.
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Clone!Brian: Hey, Brian! Knock-knock!

Brian: Uh, who's there?

Clone!Brian: (farts)

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    • From the same episode, Peter, Joe, and Quagmire go to a strip club to make Quagmire feel better about giving his daughter away. Quagmire leaves and Peter and Joe deal with a teacher stripper ... who really gets into her work.
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 Dr. House: House.

Peter: Road House.

Dr. House: That too.

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    • The African American Heart Monitor.
    • "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah." *flatline* "Aw, he dead." And in the same episode:
      • "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He cool."
        • *Carter spazzing out and machine vocalizing* "GHOST DAD!"
  • In "Big Man on Hippocampus", Stewie's answers, while Lois is playing Fast Money round on Family Feud, especially his fourth answer.
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 Richard Dawson: Name something you sit in.

Lois: A chair.

Stewie: My own feces.

Dawson: Name a popular fruit.

Lois: Orange.

Stewie: Clay Aiken.

Dawson: Something in your closet.

Lois: Shoes.

Stewie: Scary monsters.

Dawson: Your favorite holiday.

Lois: Christmas.

Stewie: 9/11.

Dawson: Something you do on the weekends.

Lois: Go to church.

Stewie: Black guys.

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    • "It may interest movie buffs that Peter O'Toole's name is a slang for penis".
  • "Dial Meg for Murder"'s Take That at "Not All Dogs Go To Heaven", especially the Goofy part. "Be careful Brian. Not all dogs go to heaven."
  • Terri Schiavo! Is kind of alive-oh! Seriously, some may have thought it was going a bit TOO far, but I think that the beginning bit automatically swings this around so many times that it's the funniest moment BY FAR of Season 8 as of now.
    • I laughed because I was thinking the same exact thing as Chris and Brian started to ponder whether this was too soon or too late.
  • "April in Quahog" also gets a Running Gag joke. Peter does crystal meth TWICE, and so does Brian at the end.
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 Peter: I am SO fucking ready! *jumps through Stewie's ceiling*

Stewie: When you jumped through my ceiling you let in an owl. I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and throw up half-digested mice.

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    • From the same episode, Adam West making an angry letter to the black hole before donning a fishbowl helmet and jetpack, flying into space and punching the Orion constellation. It then turns into the Orion Pictures logo.
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 Adam West: That's right! You're nothing but a failed production company!

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    • Peter thinks the world is ending, so he decides to go to a black neighborhood and shout out the N-word. The next scene has Lois in the kitchen when Peter walks up with crown, ermine cape, scepter, and a sash reading "King of the Black People".
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 Peter: They respected me for it.

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 Dack: Feeling okay, sir?

Luke (Chris): Just like new. How about you, Dack?

Dack: I feel like I could take on the whole empire myself.

Luke (Chris): Really? 'Cause that would be awesome. Hey, everyone, Dack says he's got this one!

Dack: You know it, bitches! [flies off to face the incoming fleet of Star Destroyers] Hey, Imperial fleet, get ready to suck some Dack! [gets shot down afterwards]

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 Leader: Hurry! It's about to get the world's first dead baby joke!

(cut to show a torn section of papyrus with hieroglyphics)

Woman on Papyrus: Oh no, my baby is dead.

Man on Papyrus: Ha.

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  • In "Go, Stewie, Go", when Meg enters and sees Lois seducing Meg's new boyfriend.
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 Lois: Um...rape?

    • Cue "Seinfeld" bass line.
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Season Nine

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 Carter: Get away from my wife, you rascal!

Rodginald: Such language in the presence of a lady! If it's a row you want, I will cleave you in twixt!

Peter: Hang on Carter, I think I know how to take this guy down. (to Rodginald) Penis.

Rodginald: Aaaaaaaah! <Faints>

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  • Peter making his poor father-in-law invite everyone to his house to watch The Big Bang Theory.
    • Just about every scene with House, made even funnier because Hugh Laurie is playing the character. The literal version of him not playing by the rules, reviving the Road House gag, and him speaking in Laurie's natural, upper-class British accent after his Scooby-Doo Hoax is exposed.
  • Peter: "I need that money for bourbon and anime!"
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 Peter during cutaway: I don't understand any of this. Everyone in Japan is either a ten-year old girl or a monster!

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  • Brian and Stewie failing their first Christmas delivery as Santa Claus in "Road to the North Pole".
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 Stewie: Oh my god, we're at the wrong house!

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    • From the same episode, Stewie's lamentation when the Mall Santa left for the night...
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 Stewie: That son of a bitch, he just turned his back on me! The way reality turned its back on Gary Busey!

(Gilligan Cut to Gary Busey in his bathroom, looking at the mirror)

Gary Busey: HOW'M I DOING TODAY, GARY BUSEY?!

Gary's "Reflection," a Monster Clown: (flashing double thumbs-up) YOU'RE DOIN' GREAT!

Gary Busey: (also flashing double thumbs-up) GOOD! THEN I'LL KEEP IT UP!

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 Winnie the Pooh: "Come on, Eeyore, let's go play!

Eeyore: "I don't wanna."

Pooh: "Why not?"

Eeyore: "I have a nail in my anus."

Pooh: "Oh."

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  • In the episode "New Kidney in Town", four words: Peter on Red Bull. That is all.
    • Barack Obama singing You Gotta Be Sincere from Bye Bye Birdie was quite honestly the funniest thing the show has done in a very long time.
  • Patrick Stewart providing the voice of Susie Swanson's inner thoughts. Yes, really.
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 This feels right but it tastes like a dirty penny."

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  • The "Carter destroys bench" scene in "Trading Spaces."
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 "You loved that bench!"

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 Mayor West: Oh by the way I should tell you I've got aids.

Carol: What!?

Mayor West: yeah, they're right over there waiting for me!

Aid: Ready to go when you are, sir!

Mayor West: Poor guys, they both have AIDS.

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  • "I heard all of that, and I just want to say this family is fucking disintegrating."
  • Three words: Muppet style sight seeing.
    • From the same episode, calling the music video for David Bowie and Mick Jagger's "Dancing In The Street" gay, then playing the entirety of it. It catching a lot of flack for being pointless, but it definitely turns the video into total Narm.
    • Pre-wheelchair Joe performing the original American Dad intro.
  • From "Brothers & Sisters", there's Peter's flashback to - since he didn't have a brother or sister - having a "broster" in his past.
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 Broster: "Hey, Peter, wanna see my paginis?"

Peter: "I, uh, I...I don't know."

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Season Ten

  • The Black Woman V.S. The Italian Man from "Seahorse Seashell Party".
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 Italian Man: Hey, you can't park there!

Black Woman: Excuse me?

Narrator: Sensing confrontation, the black woman prepares by removing all her rings. Meanwhile, the italian man makes sure that all the other italian men, can see what's happening. A flock of Jews, sensing danger, take flight and flee, as it is their only chance of survival.

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    • Getting a straight answer from a 23-year old girl.
    • Soliciting a rooster.
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 Man: I don't know what this "cock-a-doodle-doo" thing is, but it sounds gay and it sound scatalogical. I'm in.

Rooster: You're about to have a neat day.

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    • Heck, the only thing funny about this episode were the cutaways.
  • Peter's Mexican fart.
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 Mexican...ghost...thing that came out of Peter's ass: "CON CUIDADO, ES EL STIIIIINKO!" *fires guns into the air, causing everyone to run away screaming*

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  • Stewie crashing the car.
  • Too many parts in "Back to the Pilot" to list.
    • The dozens of alternate Brians and Stewies. That is all.
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    • Present Brian and Stewie making the Kool-Aid Man late for his "oh no" arrival. Followed by him tripping and shattering.
    • Alternate!Bush's "press statement" after the announcement that the South's leaving the Union again:
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 Clip of Bush: Can anyone get me a clown's suitcase? I'd like to see what's inside it. (clip ends)

Tom Tucker: Sorry, we seem to have the wrong clip. What's that? (touches earpiece) Really? That's it?

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 Peter: Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway. (Cut to Peter standing against a blank white background.) Matthew McConaughey is terrible.

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    • "Pebble in my shoe, pebble in my shoe, pebble in my shoe."
    • Frogmire. That is all.
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 Frogmire: Ribbity.

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  • YE SUCK
    • Peter taking one bite out of a rice cake and reacting violently to it.
    • Peter trying to resist the urge of a delicious pie and warding off the cliched hand-like motion of the hot steam. So the steam tries to rape him! And it's making Quagmire watch!
    • Sitting behind a giraffe at a ball game.
    • The Vacation-style credits. The final one had me laughing my ass off! Chris was churning that butter pretty hard.
    • Stewie's Incredibly Lame Pun when the family winds up in Amish country. As well as Brian's reaction to it.
    • Peter trying to reason with Meg's Amish boyfriend's dad. Eventually the dad agrees to let them see each other, but then Peter breaks out a radio in order to 'teach them about rock and roll.' The song on the radio that Peter sings along to at the top of his lungs? Highway to Hell.
  • "This food is so fucking good Lois." "Oh, okay. Wow."
  • The girls dressing Brian in a bee suit.
    • Followed by Lois telling them to do Stewie, leading to this hilarious and badass line.
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 Stewie: Alright, I guess this is the night bitches die.

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      • He says this while spinning the barrel of a revolver.
    • When the Southern cop who spots some (obviously planted) drugs in the guys' trunk...
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 Cleveland: Aw, come on! You planted that there!

Peter: Oh my God! We had drugs? Why was I driving drunk when I could have been driving high?!?

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 Quagmire: Well, at least it's a jury of our peers.

Joe: I don't think they see it that way.

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 Employee 1: OK, 4 pizzas and a salad.

Employee 2: Salad? How do we make a salad?

Employee 1: First, you put in the whole head of lettuce.

Employee 2: Even the hard to eat white part?

Employee 1: It's what the people want!

Employee 2: I got a can of whole black olives, should I slice 'em up?

Employee 1: Are you crazy? You gotta know you've got an olive in your mouth!

Employee 2: What about this tomato?

Employee 1: Slice it into thirds. It should be big enough to pretend you have red teeth.

Employee 2: What about this carrot?

Employee 1: Cut it once very thin lengthwise, the whole length of the carrot.

Employee 2: I got some jalapeno peppers, but you can't really eat 'em.

Employee 1: Just dump the whole jar in.

Employee 2: Should we put it in a bowl?

Employee 1: Nah, put it in a lasagna case.

Employee 2: I'll take it.

Employee 1: Be sure to put it right on top of the pizza to make it warm.

  • answers phone*

Employee 1: Hello, Every Pizza Place.

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 Japanese Guy #1: Hey, you wanna see a movie?

Japanese Guy #2: Nah, we're Japanese; let's go watch a schoolgirl bang an octopus.

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    • This...
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 Brian: This place can teach these kids independence.

Stewie: WE'RE ONE. INDEPENDENCE MEANS WE DIE!

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  • Stewie is afraid of the robot on the cover of Queen's "News Of The World"
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 Stewie: God, why does he look SAD? He's already destroyed mankind, what else could he want?

Brian: He didn't kill Queen. They're all fine. (pause) Most of them are fine.

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  • Peter finding "Surfin' Bird" annoying.
    • "Who else but Shirtpants?"
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