Fiveminute.net

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Because stuff is long and life is short. —Official Motto

Fiveminute.net is a website devoted to the creation and enjoyment of fivers. It was originally known as Five-Minute Voyager, but has since branched off to cover all Star Trek series, other scifi television shows, anime, video games, movies, and so forth.

A "fiver" is a written parody of a television episode, film, video game, etc. that's meant to evoke humor through the summarizing process. They are called such because they are theoretically meant to be readable in five minutes if you don't have time to watch the full episode or movie. If anything, a fiver is an unholy fusion of an episode from an Abridged Series and Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Just as contributors to troping sites are known as tropers, creators of fivers are known as "fivists".

Fiveminute.net provides examples of the following tropes:

Common Tropes Present in Fivers

• Alternate Character Interpretation: Janeway's caffeine addition and Data's ignorance of metaphors are ramped Up to Eleven for humorous effect.
• Every Episode Ending: Most fivers end with the Enterprise (or Voyager, or whatever) warping off at Ludicrous Speed. Deep Space Nine turns at Ludicrous Speed instead.
• Handsome Lech: Riker repeatedly. Playing on his tendency to pair up with the green skinned hottie of the week.
• No Fourth Wall: A lot of characters know they're in an abridged parody.
• Running Gag: The most common sound effect used when someone dies is "GAK!"
  • And if someone is miraculously brought back to life, the Unsound Effect is "!KAG"
  • Also fandom jokes, such as Chakotay being made of wood.
  • Insanity is usually marked by the character in question making up anagrams.

Note: Since the fourth wall barely exists, all methods of Playing with a Trope exist in fivers. They will not be pointed out in the following examples. Also, the various individual fivers have so many tropes that this page can only serve as a best-of collection.

Tropes from Star Trek: Voyager fivers (episode titles link to the fiver's page)

• Alien Non-Interference Clause, "Innocence"

Elani: Should you be teaching us all this Vulcan stuff? What about the Prime Directive? Tuvok: The what?

• Anchored Ship, "Persistence of Vision"

Mark: Hello, honey. Feeling guilty? Janeway: Nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts...

• Artistic License Engineering, "Maneuvers"

Tuvok: The Kazon have beamed away and they took a transporter module. Janeway: Lock on to the module and beam it back! Tuvok: Kinda hard to beam something when we don't have a transporter module.

• Astonishingly Appropriate Appearance, "Jetrel"

Neelix: I won't play lab rat to ease your conscience. Jetrel: But you so look the part!

• Bad Liar, "Initiations"

Paris: Darn... I mean good, Chakotay's not dead. Torres: You're getting better at that.

• Brain Bleach, "Elogium"

Neelix: You know, Kes, I've changed my mind. It might be nice to have a kid. I wonder what our child would look like. Kes: Yeah, I wonder. (Awkward pause) Kes: On second thought, no. Neelix: Huh? Kes: I have to go meditate with Tuvok now to purge that mental image from my psyche.

• Big No, "Phage"

Doc: I'm sorry, but Neelix will never be able to leave this restraint. Kes: NOOOOOOOO! Doc: And he'll have to spend the rest of his life in Sickbay with me. Neelix: NOOOOOOOO!

• Call Back/Shipping, "The Cloud"

Chakotay: Here's your animal guide. Janeway: Ooh, a lizard! I think I'll call him...Tom. Torres: Hey, Tom's mine! Janeway: Not for another two seasons, he's not! J/P is such a marvelous thing.... Chakotay: Hey! Janeway: J/C is too, of course. Torres: Ahem. Janeway: Fine, and P/T!

• Call Forward/Evil Laugh, "Phage"

Paris: Oo! I've never flown a starship into an asteroid before. It'll be fun! Janeway: It'll be even more fun if we send Chakotay in a shuttle. BWAHAHAHAHA! Chakotay: I don't get it. Tuvok: (aside to Janeway) We haven't started that yet. Janeway: Nuts. Carry on, Mr. Paris.

• Call Forward/It Will Never Catch On, "Eye of the Needle"

Doctor: I'm not exactly holding my breath waiting for the day when we'll be able to casually transmit holograms from one quadrant to another.

• • And from "Elogium"

Paris: If you want to get it on with the Captain, you should try kidnapping her and mutating yourselves into lizards. Chakotay: That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard...will it work?

• Captain Obvious, "Cathexis"

Durst: We've just entered the nebula. Janeway: Please don't state the obvious, it might cause me to send you on a dangerous away mission in a few episodes. Durst: *gulp*

• Character Development, "Innocence"

Tuvok: I wonder if there's any way I can get some character development out of this. Tressa: Hi. We're three abandoned children in need of guidance and protection. Tuvok: Excellent.

• Comically Missing the Point, "Eye of the Needle"

Kes: Captain, the crew behaves rudely towards the Doctor. They keep ignoring him and talking to me instead. Janeway: That's hardly surprising. You're much cuter than he is.

• Completely Missing the Point/Foreshadowing, "Caretaker"

Mark: You know, honey, they say a fool and her dog are soon parted. Janeway: So what? Bye now.

• Completely Missing the Point/Tempting Fate, "Phage"

Neelix: Oo! Oo! Can I come on the away mission? Chakotay: Fine, as long as you don't foolishly run off and get attacked by mysterious aliens.

• Delicious Distraction, "Prime Factors"

Janeway: Have some pie, you handsome devil, you. Gath: If I didn't know better, I'd think you were tring to butter me up to get my device. Come to think of it, I don't know better.

• Denouement, "Ex Post Facto"

Tuvok: I would like to gather all involved parties together for a classic detective-story denouement.

• Did I Just Say That Out Loud?, "Alliances"

Janeway: That's it. You two are so getting killed off. Jonas: And I am so defecting. Oops — did I say that out loud?

• Distracted By the Shiny, "Cold Fire"

Tanis: My Ocampa are better than yours. Kes: Why? Tanis: Um...we can make plants bloom? Kes: Ooh, pretty!

• Double Entendre, "Parallax"

Chakotay: Torres, do your stuff. Janeway: Oh no you don't! Carey, supervise her "stuff". And you can all stop snickering, that's not what I mean.

• Everyone Knows Morse, "Emanations"

Kim From Inside Coffin: (knock knock) Alien Guy: Hang on, that sounds like Morse code... (listening) She seems to be saying... "Where... the frell... am I... get... me... out." It's a message from the next emanation!

• Evil Laugh, "Cathexis"

Kim: Aaaah! Tuvok and Kes have been hurt by the alien! Tuvok: That's what you think, Ensign-boy! MWAHAHAHAHA!

• Evil Lawyer Joke, "Eye of the Needle"

Janeway: Perhaps he left our messages in the custody of an attorney for later disclosure. Tuvok: Romulans do not have attorneys, Captain. Torres: And even if they did, would you trust a Romulan lawyer?

• Evil Sounds Deep, "Tattoo"

Kes: Doctor, stop being so evil! I'm going to really, really stamp my foot this time. Doc: It's still season two — I'm allowed to be evil. Plus I get to talk in this really deep voice that makes me sound cool and evily.

• Expy, "Caretaker"

Tom: Hey, wanna be Voyager's version of Bashir and O'Brien? Harry: Works for me.

• • Also from "Caretaker"

Tuvok: I'm Tuvok, but you can call me Spock. Neelix: Hi, I'm Neelix. You can call me McCoy.

• • Moving on to "Prime Factors"

Carey: Not me. I'm scared of transporters. Torres: Gee, that's original. Carey: Well, excuuuuse me. I don't have a personality, so I'm stealing Barclay's. Seska: Which he stole from Pulaski.... Torres: ....which she stole from McCoy. Carey: Quit rubbing it in.

• Failed a Spot Check, "Deadlock"

Janeway 2: Keep looking for anything unusual. Chakotay 2: You mean like the duplicate Kes that's in Sickbay? Janeway 2: Um... yes, like that.

• Flipping the Bird, "Dreadnought"

Torres: I'm sure something will come up. Paris: (over the comm) The Dreadnought's power just went up. The Dreadnought's speed just went up. The Dreadnought's finger just went up. Torres: See? Janeway: I don't remember the Dreadnought having a finger.

• Foreshadowing/It Will Never Catch On, "Phage"

Neelix: I'm bored. Will you sing for me, Doc? Doc: Pfft. Me? Sing? That'll be the day.

• Foreshadowing/Tempting Fate, "Caretaker"

Neelix: Can we come too? Kes: Pretty please? Janeway: Oh, all right. Just don't let me catch you cooking.

• Genre Savvy: "Tattoo"

Kim: We've found the planet, but there are no lifesigns. Paris: Harry, it's always a cloaking device when you can't find lifesigns. You should know this already.

• Good News, Bad News, "Deadlock"

Janeway 2: I've got good news and bad news. We've been boarded by Vidiians. Janeway: (over the comm) What's the good news? Janeway 2: That was the good news — now I've got a great excuse to blow up my ship! The bad news is I'm sending you Harry.

• Grave Robbing, "Emanations"

Kim: It's coming off those corpses over there. Torres: Ooh! D'you think they'd mind if we went through their pockets? Chakotay: Yes.

• Henpecked Husband, "Ex Post Facto"

Ren: What's for dinner, woman? Lidell: Leftovers. Ren: Yay!

• Hey, That's My Line!, "The Cloud"

Janeway: Report. Tuvok: Basically, Captain, there's coffee in that nebula. Janeway: Hey, that's my line!

• I Broke a Nail, "Dreadnought"

Kellan: Yeah, how many casualties did you have? Janeway: I, um, broke a nail. Kellan: I hate you. I hate you so much.

• Idiot Ball, "Time and Again"

Janeway: Hey, a shockwave! Tuvok: Yep. Came from that planet. Janeway: It's still emitting harmful radiation, so let's go towards it.

• • And from "Cathexis"

Computer: The EMH is not home at the moment due to sabotagey technobabbly stuff done by Tuvok. Please leave a message after the tone. Beeeep! Janeway: Drat. Looks like I'm gonna have to give you half of my command codes. Tuvok: Oh goody! Um, I mean, yes, that seems logical...

• I'm Going to Disney World, "Investigations"

Neelix: You've saved the ship, Mr. Jonas! What are you going to do now? Jonas: I'm going to Kazon Land! No, wait....

• Insult Backfire, "Prototype

Torres: I need advice on how to fix an inert, stone-faced automaton — so I thought of asking you. Doctor: How flattering.

• I Take Offense to That Last One, "Investigations"

Neelix: Hey, are you breaking the ship? Jonas: No. Neelix: You're the traitor, aren't you? Jonas: No. Neelix: I'll bet you're even the guy who wrote "Threshold." Jonas: That's it, you're going down!

• Kicked Upstairs, "Parallax"

Janeway: I can't think of anything to do with Kes and Neelix, so I'm putting them on the senior staff.

• Leaning on the Fourth Wall, "Alliances"

Janeway: No way I'm making an alliance with the Kazon. Tuvok: The episode title is "Alliances." Janeway: Oh. In that case, yes.

• Let Me Get This Straight..., "Time and Again"

Doctor: Let me get this straight — you two are unknown aliens, there's an entire Maquis crew aboard, and the captain is missing? I really hate this ship.

• Let's Split Up, Gang!, "Twisted"

Janeway: Okay, let's split up so we can all get humorously lost. Staff: Right.

• Look Behind You!, "Tattoo"

Chakotay: Can I tell you a touching story about how my father is dead now but this is the time when I really want to get back in touch with him and tell him how much I love him? Sky Spirit: Um...hey, look! A hawk! Chakotay: What? Where?

• Luke, I Am Your Father, "Tattoo"

Sky Spirit: (heavy breathing) Chakotay... I am your Native American ancestor. Chakotay: Nooooo! I mean... oops.

• Microsoft Windows, "The 37's"

Tuvok: I'm having difficulty with the operating system. Kim: We've been through the gates of Hell, and we're still troubled by Gates?

• Mood Whiplash, "Jetrel"

Neelix: That man is a mass murderer. He killed everyone on the moon of Rinax, including my family. Janeway: That's... really depressing and hard to make light of.

• Mythology Gag, "Twisted"

Torres: Turns out it was just another weird lifeform trying to communicate. Janeway: Oh no! I'm on the wrong series! Torres: Relax, it just sounds like TNG. Janeway: Phew. All right then. Engage! And get me some Earl Grey tea.

• • And From "Meld"

Paris: Well, looks like I win the betting pool again. Kim: That's the 46th time! If it happens once more, you've gotta be cheating.

• National Stereotypes (and a Shout-Out to Super Mario Brothers), "Non Sequitur"

Cosimo: Good-a morning, Harry! How's-a you doing? Kim: I'm very confused. I could have sworn I was lost in the Delta Quadrant yesterday. Cosimo: Ahhhhh, I know just how you feel. I could have-a sworn it was just yesterday I was an average plumber. A few turtles later, here I am with my own-a diner!

• Nightmare Sequence, "Jetrel"

Neelix's Dream: I am allegorical. Al Gore: And I am Al Gore. Neelix: Aahh! What a nightmare!

• Ooh, Me Accent's Slipping, "Non Sequitur"

Kim: Thanks, but something seems a bit odd about you.... Cosimo: Who, me, the completely innocuous Cosimo? I'm just — shoot, I'm forgetting the accent! I'm-a just an-a Italian guy, see?

• Plot Armor, "Persistence of Vision"

Torres: The aliens are doing some technobabble stuff to hypnotize the crew. Why haven't I gone yet when everyone else down here has? Janeway: Duh, Torres, you're one of the senior staff.

• Plot Hole/Writers Cannot Do Math, "Emanations"

Kim: Well, according to my math, with a total of about 200 000 bodies in those asteroids and a new one appearing every two hours, you've only been getting rid of bodies in this way for the last forty-six years. Which begs the question: What did you do with them before that? Huh? Plot hole, hello! Neria: You can't know that there are 200 000 bodies because you're not on Voyager, and even if you were, they don't know that yet either! So HA! Plot hole right back atcha!

• Pokémon-Speak, "Tatoo"

Sky Spirit: Who has entered our sacred cave? Chakotay: Chamunze. Sky Spiriy: I'm sorry, what? Chakotay: Chamunze. Sky Spirit: Say again? Chakotay: Chamunze. Sky Spirit: Is that all you can say? Chakotay: Chamunze.

• Power Echoes, "Twisted"

Tuvok: Captain, we've encountered yet another weird anomaly...anomaly...anomaly.... Janeway: It must be affecting the comm system. Tuvok: Nah, I just thought that would be a more dramatic way to tell you.

• Red Shirt, "Faces"

Janeway: What about Lieutenant Durst? Kim: You sent him on an away mission with two regular characters and you expect him to come back?

• Shakespeare/ShoutOut (to Star Trek IV the Voyage Home), "Prototype"

Janeway: Chakotay, take the helm. Kim: Angels and ministers of grace defend us. Tuvok: Hamlet — Act one, Scene four. Chakotay: I heard that.

• Shout-Out (to an episode of Deep Space Nine), "Eye of the Needle"

Kim: Okay, how about shrinking the ship by traversing a subspace compression phenomenon? I bet we can find one near here if we look around a bit.

• Shout-Out (two in a row!), "Emanations"

Dr. Neria: Who are you? Kim: I'm Harry, Harry Pot-- um, Kim. Hatil: He said he saw dead people! Neria: Are you sure your name's Harry, son? Not... Haley? Kim: No, I'm just... just Harry.

• Side Bet, "Ex Post Facto"

Janeway: Where's Paris? Kim: They made me leave without him.... Doctor: "Made"? Tuvok: You now owe me five replicator rations, Captain. Janeway: Damn.

• Someday This Will Come in Handy, "Threshold"

Janeway: Sex was fun, Tom. Here's a commendation. Tuvok: It seems that mating with the Captain brings rewards. Chakotay: Hmm...that's food for thought....

• Taking You with Me, "Tattoo"

Paris: Ten minutes till we hit the planet. Janeway: Mr Paris, take us into a nose dive straight for the planet. Paris: What's that going to do? Janeway: If we're going down, I'm taking a part of this planet with me.

• Techno Babble, "Emanations"

Doctor: Well, I plan to perform a complicated ritual involving the blood of a fawn, the urn of Osiris, and me throwing up a snake. Janeway: Doctor, that would never work right. Doctor: You're right. I'll use technobabble.

• Tempting Fate, "Threshold"

Paris: At Warp 10, I'll be everwhere in the universe at once! Even inside you, Captain! Janeway: You? Inside me? That'll be the day.

• Title Drop, "Twisted"

Torres: We've constructed a schematic of the ship. Paris: Wow, it seems to be altered...you might even say it's twisted. Torres: Thanks, moron, nobody understood the title.

• Too Much Information, "Caretaker"

Tom: Can you help us find our friends, Mr. Old Geezer? Caretaker: Not particularly. I need their bodily fluids to reproduce. Tom: Whoa! More than I needed to know.

• Town with a Dark Secret, "Prime Factors"

Neelix: I know these Sicarans, Captain. They're the most ridiculously generous race in the sector. They also have a dark, dark secret. Janeway: We've found the perfect planet!

• Tropes for Dummies, "Faces"

Sulan: Hey B'Elanna, I'm reading this "Klingon Romance for Dummies" book so I can score with you. Klingon Torres: Let me out of here, you filthy p'taK! Sulan: Let's see...(flip flip flip)...ah! You're flirting with me! Excellent.

• Twin Threesome Fantasy, "Faces"

Paris: Whoa! Two B'Elannas for the price of one! P/T/T...Now that's what I call a 'ship! Human Torres: Dream on, you pervert. Paris: Thanks, I will. And how!

• William Shatner, "Ex Post Facto"

Chakotay: Nooooo! I must! Resist! Temptation! And also stop talking like Captain Kirk.

• A Worldwide Punomenon (two in a row!), "The 37's"

Janeway: Rust? Paris: No, I'm in no particular hurry. Kim: Picking up traces of acethylene, benzene.... either it's gasoline, or Neelix just threw the leftovers out. Janeway: Magnify. Oh, Ford a love of God!

• Writers Cannot Do Math (plus a Shout-Out to Delta Blues), "The 37's"

Earhart: How fast can she go? Paris: Warp 9.9. We'll need it to travel 70,000 lightyears. Earhart: In that case, you'll need some three years to get back. Paris: Says who? Earhart: Says Jim Wright.

• • And from "Elogium"

Ensign Wildman: Permission to bring aboard a recurring character, Captain. Janeway: Granted, on the condition that she be born during a shipwide crisis. Let's see...we left DS9 last season, so she should arrive...three months ago? Wildman: Yeah, I know. Don't bother trying to figure it out.