House #47 – Brisbane, Australia |
Milo: Bullshit! |
Danny: I knew this bloke once, right. And he used to masturbate so much that he grew very fond of his hand. So much so, that he began to talk to it and he put a little face on it and he called it Muriel. And after a while Muriel began to talk back to him. He would get her all doled up in make up and specially made little clothes and at night she'd go down and make intense mad passionate love to him. Anyway, one night about 3am, he wakes up in a cold sweat. And hears all this panting and moaning and groaning coming from the next door neighbour's apartment. And he looks down at his hand, there's nothing there. It’s gone. Its just this bloodied stump. So he staggers out into the hallway and he sees that the next door neighbour's doors is wide open. So he pops his head in and what does he see? On the bed, his hand, Muriel, all dressed up to the nines, make up on, going down on the next door neighbour. |
Sam: There's all these words for a woman who doesn't want to have sex – ‘frigid’, ‘uptight’, ‘cold’, ‘icy.’ Can you like even think of one word for a man who doesn't want to have sex? |
Danny: Getting some serious rays there, Flip? |
Anya: Tomorrow is the shortest day of the year. In pagan times, it would be time for the king to be sacrificed, and for the queen to select a new man to be her king. |
Milo: I’m telling you bud, if this deal comes together, it’s just going to be one long line of kneeling-down dick-sucking motherfuckers waiting for me to come along and give them a taste of the big fella here. |
Anya (reading Danny’s palm): You are deeply aware of your own sense of melodrama. You lack faith in yourself, but expect faith in others. You project your insecurities onto everyone around you. You reject happiness as being shallow and superficial. You embrace postmodernism to avoid having an original thought. You criticise yourself because it places you above criticism. You desire what you hate, and you hate what you desire. And you always have to kill what you love the most. |
Danny (reading aloud): ‘John and Marjorie Lewis request the pleasure of the company of Daniel Kirkhope to celebrate the marriage of Jessica Kate and James Lindsay at the St Stephens Chapel.’ |
Danny: You want to get married? |
Danny: They look different, they talk different, they know things we can’t even begin to comprehend… If that’s not a sign of an alien, I don’t know what is. |
Skinhead with Chainsaw: Guardians of the four watchtowers? |
Danny: Taylor, these ‘reinforcements’ of yours… they wouldn't be, by any chance, Nazis would they? |
House #48 – Melbourne, Australia |
Iain: If this were an environmentally sound society, Daniel, your two-litre plastic orange juice bottle would be just the right height to fit your dry fettuccine into, wouldn’t it? |
Taylor: I’ve been doing the figures, Danny boy. I’ve done all the dates, bought all the flowers, had all the candlelit dinners. Been to gallery openings, sat through the plays, expressed my feelings, came up with some new ones I never even knew I had. Said all the right things, told all the right lies, but still… still not one drop of affection down south. |
Sam: She’s terrified of commitment, Danny. Commitment involves feelings, feelings involve emotions and emotions are a fascist construct forced upon us over thousands of years by the patriarchal hierarchy. |
Danny: Why is 3 o'clock in the morning always the hour of choice to put on Nick Cave, get depressed and kill yourself? What's wrong with the middle of the day when everyone's awake and ready to call an ambulance? |
Melbourne Detective: You room’s very orderly, Danny. One of the best we’ve seen. |
Melbourne Detective: You lot on drugs? |
House #49 – Sydney, Australia |
Nina: Tuesdays and Thursdays, Danny puts out the rubbish. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, Dirk cleans the bathroom and the kitchen. Saturdays and Wednesdays, new person – that’s you – vacuums the house, including all the bedrooms. Taylor cooks when he’s not on night shift, Uptight does it when he is. And everyone is banned from writing each other into their novels, plays, film scripts, websites and all future technologies. |
Nina: If work calls, I’ve had a car accident. If uni calls, I’m in Melbourne on a research trip. If mum calls, I’m gay and fucking my sister over at her place. And if Joey calls, I’m still using the computer so he can go and get fucked! |
Sam: Why do you always have to wear black? |
Nina: Well, I hope you’re all extremely satisfied with yourselves. My boyfriend now thinks I’m gay, my mother thinks I’ve been in a car accident, my boss thinks I’m in Melbourne, and someone told my uni tutor to go and get fucked! |
Danny: Dirk, this newly installed sophisticated gay radar of yours is picking up shit from the cosmos that just ain’t fucking there. I've got my own shit to worry about. I've lived in 49 shared households in what seems as many years. I've been ripped off, raided, threatened, burned out, shot at, cheated on, scabbed in every one of those years. My beds are foam slabs on the floor, my cupboards are stacks of stolen milk crates. I've lived with tent-dwelling bank clerks, albino moon tanners, nitrous suckers, psycho fucking drama queens, ACID EATERS, MUSHROOM FARMERS, FUCKING BROTHEL CRAWLERS, FRIDGE-PISSERS, HARDCORE SEPARATIST LESBIANS, AND AN OBSCURELY-TITLED JAPANESE GIRL! AND NOW THE BEST FRIEND I'VE EVER HAD IN THE FUCKING WORLD WON'T EVEN FUCKING TALK TO ME! I'M IN A PSYCHO FUCKING NIGHTMARE FROM HELL, AND I'M FUCKING FED UP WITH IT! So I suggest, pal, that you tune in, and chill fucking out. |
(Inspecting Flip’s corpse) |