Hilariously Abusive Childhood/Quotes

Homer Simpson: Now son, on your first day of school, I'd like to pass on the words of advice my father gave me... Abe Simpson: (in flashback) Homer, you're as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly! If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it! Homer Simpson: ... Lousy traumatic childhood! —The Simpsons

"You know what I used to do when I was little for some sensation of human contact? ... When I was ten years old, I made myself a hugging machine... I got a dressmaker's mannequin, I stuffed it with an electric blanket so I would be warm, and built two radio-controlled arms that would hug me and pat me on the back... You know what the saddest part was? ... My father used to borrow it. —The Big Bang Theory Leonard Hofstadter

"The details of my life are quite inconsequential. Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with a low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen-year-old French prostitute named Chloë with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds--pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Wilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking--I suggest you try it." —Austin Powers Doctor Evil

"When I was one, I was dropped on the porch. When I was two, I had pneumonia. When I was three, I got the chicken pox. When I was four, I fell down the stairs and broke six ribs. When I was five, my uncle was decapitated by a watermelon. When I was six, my parents hit me in the head with a shovel. When I was seven, I lost my index finger to me pet rat. When I was eight, my dog Spike got hit by a tractor. When I was nine, my mother lost her arm to a rabid Brahmin. When I was ten, my sister was torn to bits by a pack of dogs. When I was eleven, my grandfather killed himself because I was ugly. When I was twelve, my grandmother killed herself because I was ugly. When I was thirteen, my father poked out his eyes with a pitchfork in a drunken stupor. When I was fourteen, my brother lost his hand to a wallaby. When I was fifteen, my aunt choked to death on a chicken bone. When I was sixteen, I lost my cousin to a badger. When I was seventeen, I cut off my left big toe with a hoe. When I was eighteen, my father lost his right leg to the same tractor that killed my dog. When I was nineteen..." —Fallout

"It's all coming back to me. Oh my God! I slept on an old dog bed stuffed with wigs! I watched a prostitute stab a clown! Our basketball hoop was a rib cage — a rib cage! Why did you bring me here? I blocked all this stuff out for a reason! Oh, Lord, some guy with dreads electrocuted my fish! [Later] All my life I've tried to forget the things I've seen — a crackhead breastfeeding a rat, a homeless man licking a Hot Pocket off the third rail of the G train! [Still later] I've seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom! I once bit into a burrito and there was a child's shoe in it! I've seen a hooker eat a tire! A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy's! The sewer people stole my skateboard! The projects I lived in were named after Zachary Taylor, generally considered to be one of the worst presidents of all time! I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo! They were very drunk!" —Thirty Rock

Pinkie Pie: Look at the bright side! At least you HAD a father! Fluttershy: Yes, but it's my father who left me to fend for myself in the frozen tundra with nothing but a hatchet and a length of rope. I would've died if a pack of wolves hadn't taken me in as one of their own. *sting* Fluttershy: But I wasn't safe! The wolves were robots built by my father to lull me into a false sense of security. I awoke one morning to find that he had slaughtered them all and left a message in the snow reading, "I dare you to love again." *sting* Fluttershy: But the message was actually written in ant pheromone. I was suddenly engulfed by thousands of rabid African ants, each trying to burrow its way inside me to get to the queen larva my father had put in my Cheerios. *sting* —Friendship Is Witchcraft

"I was in the car with my parents when we crashed. Into a crocodile. My parents got eaten but then the crocodile took out a knife and gave me this scar." —Harry, A Very Potter Sequel

"You wait till my father hears about this. He'll say, 'Draco, you god damn little poofah! Why don't you stop your whining and learn to use the potty like a normal human!' And then he will pull down my diaper, and scold me for the mess I've left in it, and spank my cheeks as red as cherries."

"It's my daddy! Daddy! Daddy! You came to love me!" —Draco Malfoy, A Very Potter Sequel