Magic: The Gathering/Funny

Storylines

• The webcomic Journey to the Eye part 1. It's not easy to find a good guide to travel in a Death World...
• Dark Discoveries part 1. Don't butt into Tezzeret's business; he doesn't like it.

Flavor Text

Cards are not popular just for their effects, brokenness or artwork. Many cards find their ways into players' hearts because the Flavor Text accompanying the card ties everything together and is often hilarious.

• Counterspell (Jace vs. Chandra)

The pyromancer summoned up her mightiest onslaught of fire and rage. Jace feigned interest.

• Incinerate (Magic 2012)

"Spontaneous combustion is a myth. If you burst into flame, someone wanted you to." --Chandra Nalaar

• And lest we forget its classic version (Ice Age-Tenth Edition)

"Yes, I think ‘toast' is an appropriate description." --Jaya Ballard, task mage

• Inferno (Eight Edition)

"Some have said there is no subtlety to destruction. You know what? They're dead." --Jaya Ballard, task mage

• Sizzle

"Of course you should fight fire with fire. You should fight everything with fire." --Jaya Ballard, task mage

• Discombobulate (Onslaught/10th Edition)

"I said 'pick his brain," not 'tear off his head.'"

• Ib Halfheart, Goblin Tactician (Time Spiral/Elves vs. Goblins)

"Everybody but me--CHARGE!"

• Goblin Offensive (Urza's Saga)

They certainly are.

• Stranglehold (Commander)

The correct answer to a barbarian's riddle is to choke on your own cleverness and die.

• Hunted Dragon (Ravnica)

The knights see a worthy quarry. The dragon sees breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

• Any quote related to goblins is bound to be this. Just to name a few:
  • Fodder Cannon (Urza's Destiny)

Step 1: Find your cousin. Step 2: Get your cousin in the cannon. Step 3: Find another cousin.

• • Goblin Balloon Brigade (Magic 2011)

"The enemy is getting too close! Quick! Inflate the toad!"

• • Goblin Assassin (Legions)

The more victims he kills, the more likely he is to get the right one.

• • Goblin Lookout (Legions)

"Throw rocks at 'em! Throw spears at 'em! Throw Furt at 'em!"

• • Wave of Indifference (Onslaught)

"Darius?" "Yeah?" "There's a goblin sneaking up on you." "So?" "Just sayin'."

• • Synapse Sliver (Legions)

"Species XR 17 feeds upon the mental energies of its victims. This explains why the goblins remain unaffected."

• • Goblin Sky Raider (Tenth Edition)

"The goblin word for "flying" is more accurately translated as "falling slowly."

• • Tin Street Hooligan (Guildpact)

"Rauck-Chauv's like a holiday! Only it isn't on the calendars, and instead of dancing you knock people flat, and instead of giving gifts you break stuff."

• • Town Sentry (Portal: Second Age)

"So he's got a sword. Big deal." "Yeah it's a big deal--it's a big sword!"

• Tormented Pariah ("moon" side) (Innistrad)

"Just look at him, groveling on all fours! What a pathetic--uh-oh."

• Orcish Artillery (Tenth Edition)

"So they want to kill my men? Well two can play at that game." --General Khurzog

• Handcuffs (Unglued)

"That was fun! Now me."

• Obliterate (Eight Edition)

"The enemy has been destroyed, sir. So have the forest, the city, your palace, your dog..." --Keldon soldier

• Killer Instinct (Guildpact)

"Take the bridge, men! Victory! Victory is ou—Retreat! RETREAT!"

• Canyon Minotaur (2011 Core)

"We'll scale these cliffs, traverse Brittle Bridge, and then fight our way down the volcanic slopes on the other side." "Isn't the shortest route through the canyon?" "Yes." "So shouldn't we—" "No."

• Aluren (Tempest)

Squee bounced up and down. "I sees a horsey, an' a piggy, an' a—" "If you don't shut up," hissed Mirri, "you'll see a kidney and a spleeny."

• Deranged Assistant (Innistrad)

"Garl, adjust the slurry dispensers. Garl, fetch more corpses. Garl, quit crying and give me your brain tissue. If he doesn't stop being so rude, I'm quitting."

• Wheel of Torture (Urza's Legacy)

"I'd like to buy a bowel."

• Gorilla Titan's flavor text was on both the "most liked Odyssey flavor text" and "most hated Odyssey flavor text" lists.

"I want a banana this big!"

• Blackmail (9th Edition)

In addition to killing peasants, punishing subordinates, and raising an army of nightmares, Braids somehow found time for her favorite hobby: petty extortion.

• Alaborn Cavalier and his BFG:

"Course he ran! I wouldn't want to stare down that barrel, either!" --Alaborn Soldier

• Taunting Elf (Urza's Destiny)

Much to Multani's chagrin, Rofellos gleefully tutored Yavimaya's elves on the rudest and most vulgar words spoken in Llanowar.

Tournament Play and other meta humor

• During the launch party for Unglued (the joke set that makes fun of Magic itself), Mark Rosewater took the role of a judge...while wearing a chicken suit. He wore a donkey suit for the release of the sequel set, Unhinged. On a related note, Mark also made a list of his favorite funny quotes from the players at the Unglued launch party, found Here (at the end).
• Anytime you and your friends play a game of Magic where Unglued or Unhinged is included. Anytime. Just an example:

(on turn 3) Friend 1: (stoic) For 3 mana, Farewell to Arms. Right hand. Go. Friends 2: (manages to go through his turn with his right hand behind his back) Go. Friend 1: (still stoic) For 3 mana, Farewell to Arms. Left hand. (smiles) Play with your feet, motherfucker.