Marik Plays Bloodlines

The world is a vampire...

Little Kuriboh takes on the world of Lets Plays in this series of online videos. Marik from Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series attempts to play Vampire: The Masquerade Bloodlines, snarking in his typical fashion. Bakura is somewhere in the background, occasionally commenting on what Marik says.

So far, eight episodes have been uploaded. Episodes can be found here.

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This has examples of

• Accidental Innuendo: It's a Running Gag that Marik does these but never catches on, even when Bakura keeps laughing at him.

"Geez, I can't believe on my first day as a vampire I sucked off a hobo!" "That's not the first time I've shot off in a guys face." "Ooo, I love a good manhole!"

• • The current channel name is "Marik Plays With Himself."
• Attention Deficit Ooh Shiny: "I'VE GOT TO WARN THE GENERAL PUBLIC THAT THE ALIENS ARE ABOUT TO oh, hey, free newspaper!"
  • And Melvin in part eight: "FOOLISH FOOL! THE SHOPS CANNOT SAVE YOU FROM MY oh, hey, a video game!"
• Australian Accent: "In the next episode of Home and Away a crazy vampire goes nuts and eats everybody!"
• Awesome but Impractical: Porn magazines stapled together with gold that you can't even read without lessening the value. "It's kind of ineffectual as porn itself, but...it's a good collector's item."
• Awesomeness Is Volatile: Sings when a lightbulb shatters, and assumes the "sheer awesomeness" of his voice did it.
• Ax Crazy: Mel Gibson, apparently.
• Bare Your Midriff: Marik treats his as something dangerously sexy. Do not look directly at it.
• Batter Up: What Marik resorts to when the Wrong Crowd flips their collective shit on him. Because Marik pressed...
• Berserk Button: For your own safety stay the F(EFF)K away from the Wrong Crowd's car stereo, apparently it's like holy ground to them.
  • For Marik himself, anything that threatens his midriff is as good as dead.

Marik: That. could. have . been. MY!! MIDRIFF!!!!

• Big Fancy House: "That must be one of Mel Gibson's more modest properties."
• Big No: "I'll just work on my tan. Wait. I'm a vampire. I no longer have a tan. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
• Bouquet Toss: "If anybody else lays a finger on those flowers, I will murder them!"
• Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick: Some of Marik's rambles take a sharp turn into TMI territory, without any change in his tone.
• Brief Accent Imitation: "No mate, I'm here to make fun of yo accent!"
• Brick Joke: At one point in Part 4, one of Marik's rants has him claiming he could play Gary Oldman in a movie about the latter. The Stinger shows Oldman's infamous Villainous Breakdown in Léon: The Professional...with Marik's voice dubbed over his.
• Broken Record: KILL YOUR FAMILY! KILL YOUR FAMILY! KILL YOUR FAMILY! KILL YOUR FAMILY! KILL YOUR FAMILY! KILL YOUR FAMILY!
• Call Back: If you look closely in the first episode, you can see his character name is Malik Blishtar.
  • Part 5 has a callback to Concrete Giraffes, Marik sees a statue that reminds him of "that guy that tried to star in our movie" but neither he nor Bakura have any memory of the incident
  • And then THAT guy comes visit them on the next episode because he heard that they "were playing a video game" and then goes on commenting on how he is "elite".
  • In part 7 he sees the statue again but this time he knows who it is.
• Calling Your Attacks: "Vampire punching power!"
• Comically Missing the Point: Marik not getting the innuendos he makes.
  • He hears a girl in another room having sobbing screams, but assumes those are sex sounds, and coming from the washing machines in the room he's in.
  • "Okay, orgasm ... didn't expect that ..." — about Heather.
• Complete Monster: Marik calls the bartender at the Asylum this. How can someone that insensitive NOT be a Complete monster? *sob!* Artax!
  • Mel Gibson is shown to be even worse.
• Cool and Unusual Punishment:

Prince LaCroix: The punishment for this transgression... Marik: ...is a wedgie! Prince LaCroix: ...is death. Marik: Whoa! That's way worse! That's like five wedgies!"

• Crouching Moron, Hidden Badass: Marik, has some VERY bizarre lines while beating the everloving crap out of the wrong crowd.

Marik: THIS IS FOR DARING TO HAVE NICER LIVING CONDITIONS THAN ME!

• Disproportionate Retribution: The last of the Wrong Crowd got it really bad:
• Don't Explain the Joke: "It's funny because..."
  • Subverted once, when he was using a baseball bat.

"Hey check it out: 'Vampire Bat'! Hah! It's funny because I broke his legs."

• The Door Slams You: Marik has bad luck with doors.
• Dude Looks Like a Lady: Marik, of course.

Marik: What do you think Bakura, should I take the [estrogen] pills? Bakura: Well to be fair, I doubt they'd have any noticeable effects. Marik: You've got a point--HEY!

• Easily Forgiven: When first visiting the Asylum, Marik is utterly disgusted by the big, bald, insensitive jerk of a bartender who DARED to make light of Artax's death. Next time he visits the Asylum, Marik wants to team up with him as a fellow tattooed person.
• Everything Trying to Kill You: When a chandelier falls.

"Ahh! Lumiere tried to kill me! I knew it! Furniture can't be trusted!"

• Evil Laugh: Marik does one after he steals a car stereo.
• Five-Bad Band:
  • Big Bad: The Door To Mercurio's Apartment
  • The Dragon: The Back Door To The Wrong Crowd Headquarters
  • Evil Genius: The Escher Stairs Leading To The Wrong Crowd Headquarters
  • The Brute: The Gumball Machines
  • Dark Chick: The Door To Marik's Appartment
• Foreshadowing: Several times in the first five episodes Marik makes comments about how "It can't get any worse" or "I'm sure there's nothing that bad waiting on the other side of this manhole." Anyone who's played the game can guess this is leading up to the infamous Oceanside Hotel level.
  • Episode 5 has Marik spotting a statue and asks Bakura if it looks like "that guy who tried to star in [their] movie". Next episode Slendy drops by and offers to help play the game.
• Freudian Slip

"And he was okay with that because he wasn't going to have children anyway because he's totally ga-, erm, I mean, he's not really into kids."

• Funny Background Event: While Marik is talking about The Neverending Story to the bartender, one of the dialogue options is about "The card game of life". Marik of course picks that option.
  • If you look carefully, immediately after "Rock Me Amadeus" starts playing, you can see Therese looking around the room with an expression that is pretty much "Where the fuck is this music coming from?" avoiding eye-contact.
• Glass-Shattering Sound: Marik believes he smashed a lamp in a videogame by "hitting the perfect octave."
• Ghost Story: "You will let me glomp you or I will curse you because ghosts have that ability apparently ... !"
• Humanoid Abomination: Mel Gibson
• Implausible Deniability: Marik did not just admit he was gay!
• Incredibly Lame Pun

"Hey Bakura!" "WHAT." "BAIL BONDS!"

• Indian Burial Ground: "Ironically, there was an Indian burial ground built on top of the hotel!"
• Inherently Funny Words: Heh heh, foxy boxes...
  • PenisPenisPenisPenisPenis.
• I Would Say If I Could Say: Marik gets dangerous after his midriff is nearly destroyed by Mel Gibson.

"THAT DOES IT! No more Mr. Nice Marik... Not that there ever was a Mr. Nice Marik because I am an evil villain! But if there were a Nice Marik, then he wouldn't exist because I JUST KILLED HIM! Because I'm evil."

• Jump Scare: Not quite in the game, just Marik was easily startled.

"Ahh! Don't do that!"

• Large Ham: Marik
• Let's Get Dangerous: See I Would Say If I Could Say.
• Let's Play
• Loads and Loads of Loading: Even sings about it.
• Murder-Suicide: "Wait, how does that work? What do you do, you kill somebody who's trying to commit suicide? Do you try and hang yourself and when you drop, you land on somebody and it breaks their neck or something?"
• Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot: "What am I, part of a friggin' vampire terrorist cell?" *beat* "Oh my God, I hope I'm part of a friggin' vampire terrorist cell!"
• Oblivious to Love: Marik seems to be getting this way as of part 6.

Marik: "You're not busy, you're pretending to read a book!" Bakura: "What makes you think I'm pretending?" Marik: "You've been on the same page for, like, two hours. You've just been staring at me."

• The Oldest And Deadliest Profession: The zombie prostitute.
• Only Six Faces: Making a bunch of jokes about that, especially seeing character models of people he killed.
• Or So I Heard: Marik's anecdote about drinking recycled urine.
  • "Look at this room! Seriously, it's like something you build in The Sims when you have no idea what you're doing. I mean, not that I would know, because I only play manly games like...Call of Gears of Duty Madden 2012."
• Paranoia Fuel: In-Universe Example: Furniture can't be trusted.
• Player Punch: In-Universe Example:

Marik, Sucking the blood out of the neck of a prostitute: "Aww... You know it's true love when your partner decides to drink blood from your neck. Ahh... the sweet tastes of cigarettes and regret... Wait. What happened. She's not moving... Why isn't she moving..? Prostitute lady!?" Bakura: "Marik, she's quite clearly dead." Marik: "What! How did that happen?" Bakura: "You killed her." Marik, sobbing: "How? Why? For what reason? Roxanne, you don't have to put on that red dress tonight. Roxanne, you don't have to sell your body to the night." Bakura: "Well, she doesn't have to do any of that stuff now, because she's dead! Gahahahahahahaha!" Marik: "She was one week away from prostitute retirement!"

• Poke the Poodle

Marik: I'm gonna find the wrong crowd and not read things together! Yeah, That's right! Entire novels left unopened!

• Rapid-Fire Comedy
• Remembered I Could Fly: "I was worried there for a second— wait a minute, I'm a friggin' vampire! What am I worried about? Radios cannot harm me for I AM IMMORTAL!"
• Retirony: "SHE WAS ONE WEEK AWAY FROM PROSTITUTE RETIREMENT!"
• The Rival: Doors.
• Roaring Rampage of Revenge:

Marik: That does it! Soon as I get out of here, I'm grabbing a shotgun, and I'm going after Mrs Pots

• Running Gag
  • See Accidental Innuendo.
  • "Heh heh, Foxy Boxes."
    • Which even spilled into the spinoff movie Marik Plays Portal 2.
• Screw This, I'm Outta Here: Bakura books it the instant Melvin shows up.

"Uh, I'll — I'm going to go to the shops for a bit. I-I'll be back in about ten minutes."

• Shout-Out / Reference Overdosed
  • At the nightclub, Marik starts singing his own lyrics to Electric Six's "Gay Bar."

I wanna make you be a vampire! I wanna make you be a vampire, vampire, vampire!

• • "My Pokemans, let me show them to you."

"OMG! A shiney mudkip!"

• • Well, Imma let you finish, but Dracula was one of the greatest vampires of all time! Of all time!"
  • "So what you're saying is, the first rule of Bite Club is that you don't talk about Bite Club."
  • "Don't be a homicidal maniac, okay?" "Try telling that to Johnny!
  • Marik meets "Christian Bale."

Marik: Christian Bale! I'm a huge fan! What the hell are you doing in vampire world? Mercurio: Waiting for that blasted tow truck I called an hour ago. Marik: No, no, no, the correct answer was "I'm Batman."

• • So far, Marik's biggest enemies have been doors and stairs. He feels like a friggin' Dalek!
  • "Peelz over here!
  • You mean like four legs good, two legs bad?
  • "Ok, I'm choosing to believe that this whole house is like that house from Beauty and The Beast and all the furniture is going to start singing at me."
  • "Hey, big guy, Zack Fair called, he wants his buster sword back."
  • "BA-BA-BAKURA BA-BA-BAKURA"
  • "Ba-ba-ba Bakura. Ba-ba-ba Bakura."
  • In Episode 4 he describes the doors closing in his face as being "the opposite of Star Trek."
  • "Hey, check this out: Suffer like G did?!"
• Show Within a Show: Apparently this is taking place in the midst of Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series.
• Smug Snake: Lampshaded when Marik states that he gets "Merovingian vibes" off of LaCroix.
• Spin-Off: Marik plays a few minutes of the begining of Video Game/Portal2 in an ad for Momo Con, in which he complains about Wheatley being British, mistakes the testing facility for the shadow realm and then a tanning salon, argues with Glados, and generally has no idea what's going on.
• Suspiciously Specific Denial: Marik did not kill a prostitute, and he most certainly does not play The Sims!
  • And he definitely doesn't have any porn, especially of the man-on-man kind!
• Take That: "Greetings, and welcome to my first ever Let's Play of Troika's Vampire: The Masquerade: the only game that lets you feel like you're actually living inside a failed Joss Whedon project."
  • (looks at the Gangrel clan) "Disney's vampire Tarzan. Comes with his own soundtrack composed by Phil Collins."
    • "Then we have the 'haters gonna hate' vampire (Tremere). He specializes in magic. Only nerds choose that guy. I like to call him the 'Bakura clan.'"
  • His discussion about Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction with Bakura, in which he laments that the main characters "becoming vampires for no good reason--and this was years before Stephanie Meyer showed up and ruined vampires for everybody.
  • "Say what you will about my dance moves, at least I'm a better dancer than Shepard. That's right everyone do the Mo Cap, it's the easiest dance in the world."
  • "Well, at least the audience is bigger than the one they had for Spider-Man the Musical."
  • "Because when you think vampires, you think California! Well, to be fair, the place will suck you dry.
  • "Are those two police cars talking to each other? [...] It's just like that one Pixar movie nobody likes! I'm gonna get out of here before Larry the Cable Guy shows up."
  • Throughout episode 6 he continually makes jabs at Mel Gibson and his acting career.
  • "Well at least this is more interesting than the Blair Witchproject."
  • "Ah, this sequence reminds me of part at the end of Bioshock 2 with the big twist where it turns out that the game sucked."
• Tastes Like Purple: "Mmm, that's good homeless person! Wait, what am I doing? He probably tastes like shattered dreams and despair."
  • Comes up again with Marik sucking the blood of a prostitute. "Ah, the sweet taste of cigarettes and regret."
• Tempting Fate: There's surely nothing bad waiting for him outside the sewer.
• That Came Out Wrong: Shouldn't use the words "eat out" in front of a prostitute.
• There Is Only One Bed: Marik mentions that this happened to him and Bakura once. Bakura still dreams about it — uh, has nightmares about it.
  • This is also a Mythology Gag to Little Kuriboh's Thiefshipping fanfiction Marik and Bakura go to Censored Town, where this does indeed happen.
• Took a Level In Badass: After spending the past 5 episodes being constantly thwarted by the sinister doors, Marik acquires amazing door opening skills, that even allow him to open doors with his mind without him even knowing about it.
• Trrrilling Rrrs: Marik does this a few times when he's feeling especially hammy.
• The Un-Reveal: In Part 4:

Marik: Oh, by the way, I've heard some rumors flying around that Bakura and I... well, you know, so I'd like to address those rumors right now, I'd like to "come out of the closet", you might say. Bakura: Marik... Marik: It's okay, Bakura, I know what I'm doing. It's true: Bakura and I...are evil! And we're not ashamed of it!

• • It happens again in 7.5. Marik apparently decides to address those rumors once and for all.

"Y'see, technically KILL YOUR FAMILY KILL YOUR FAMILY KILL YOUR FAMILY"

• Vampire Bites Suck: "Even if you suck, you're doing a good job and it gives you experience for it."
• Villains Out Shopping: The videos themselves are an example of this.
• Waxing Lyrical: With the lyrics altered to fit vampire themes (most of the time)

Marik: (beating a member of the Wrong Crowd to death with a baseball bat) For it's one~ two~ three strikes you're dead at the old~ ball~ game~!

• Wham! Episode: Episode 8, when Marik suddenly turns into Melvin at the very end.
• What Do You Mean It's Not Awesome?: "Never again shall you listen to the soothing sounds of FM radio in the comfort of your automobiles, for it is I who owns the car stereo now! Mwahahahaha!"
• What Do You Mean It's Not Heinous?: Marik can absolutely not stand excess litter.
• Who Wants to Live Forever?: Bakura thinks it's overrated to live forever.
• Zerg Rush: Combined with Mind Screw. Faced with Marik's amazing door opening skills The Door To Mecurio's Apartment summons a wave of identical looking doors, hoping to confuse Marik.