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- Jerkass Woobie: I'm evil. Don't claim to be anything else. But I've never caught a break in my life, and you can't say I deserved my childhood. I'd like to remind you that you have the power to end this...
- Paranoia Fuel: As you read this account of my miserable, tortured existence, I ask only that you keep in mind that I'M RIGHT BEHIND YOU.