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"Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!)."
—Opening to My Immortal
Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way is a seventh-year Slytherin who's overwhelmingly beautiful, "goff" and has Draco Malfoy wrapped around her pale finger. Everywhere she goes, her fellow students are smitten by her hot, goffik So Beautiful It's a Curse body. She's usually surrounded by her friends, "Stanist" "goffs" who slit their wrists, cry tears of blood, shop at Hot Topic and move into Slytherin, while everyone else (including Dumblydore) is a prep who listens to Avril Lavigne and hates the goffs for no reason.
The plot is mostly centered around Vlodemort trying to force Enoby to kill Harry. After this, Evony goes back in tim to try to prevent Tom Bombodil from ever becoming Volxemort, by making him fall in love with her. Snap and Loopin are pedophiles who enjoy masticating and eventually get sent to Azerbaijan (or "Abhkazian", what could possibly be a product of the Cupertino Problem if not for the fact that the fic has clearly never seen a spellchecker). Then there's some drama between Egogy, Drako, and Vampire, and...who are we kidding? There's nothing resembling a plot here.
What this fic does have, however, is sex, torture, rape, time travel (Marty McFly makes an inexplicable cameo), guns, goth concerts, ludicrous and confusing nicknames, dramatic entrances, tears of blood, wrist-cutting, homo-/bisexuality, fishnets and clothing descriptions worthy of American Psycho. This is not to mention the OOC drama, ranging from Tara's constant interaction with her incensed reviewers, the rocky relationship between Tara and her best friend, Raven, as well as some back-and-forth between Tara and a mysterious "hacker." The constant spelling mistakes don't help the reader's understanding either. The story may or may not be the work of a Troll. If she is a troll, she's an incredibly skilled, determined, and realistic one. If not, then weep for humanity's future. WEEP.
It can be found here.
For the Death Note version, see Light and Dark - The Adventures of Dark Yagami. For the Twilight version, see Twila the Girl Who Waz In Luv With A Vampyre or Forbiden Fruit the Tempation of Edward Cullen. For the Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann version, see Gurren Lagannhen. For the Pokémon version, see Pokémon: Attack of Mewtwo. For the Redwall version, see soulless shell, though that one's closer to legolas by laura in some ways. For the Warrior Cats version, see StarKits Prophcy. For The Legend of Zelda version, see My Inner Life.
My Immortal provides examples of:
- Alpha Bitch: Britney and Ebony.
- Always Chaotic Evil: Preps, apparently.
- Anatomically-Impossible Sex: Something is terribly, terribly wrong with the ... order of events here:
"He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy. "Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111" I screemed passively as he got an eructation."
- Anticlimax: Chapter 17-18. 17 sets up some fight between "Dumblydore" and Voldemort, but 18 opens with Ebony waking up. It's explained away in a paragraph, where Dumbledore "chased him off" (and then segues into Ebony and Draco having sex to a Linkin Park song...). Of course, most fights end with someone flying away. Rather like The Iliad, only stupid.
- Anti-Hero: Ebony and her friends. They all fight Voldemort, but they disrespect authority and do "pot, coke and crak"... and each other. On the Sliding Scale of Anti-Heroes, most of them seem to be Type V (even Type IV is perhaps overly generous).
- Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: "Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks."
- Art Major Biology: Willow is described as being "thin enouff to be anorexic" but having "really big bobs".
- Author Appeal: All of Tara's protagonists have the same taste in fashion and music as her.
- Author Avatar:
- Not just Ebony, but every other character to be portrayed in a positive light, since they're all basically clones of her.
- At one point, angry with Raven, Tara changes Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way to Ebony Dark'ness Dementia TARA Way (her emphasis)
- At another point, Tara describes "Ebony's" hairstyle, then asks the readers to "email me if u wana see da pik."
- Author Filibuster: Tara constantly stops the plot (or lack thereof) to remind us she hates preps for no reason. And that she's a Yaoi Fangirl. And that anyone who flames this story is a jealous gay fag.
- Back From the Dead: Willow, although whether or not "B'loody Mary" was telling the truth about killing her (and letting Loopin have sex with the corpse...) is unknown. Draco comes back too, after committing suicide. No explanation is given for this.
- Beige Prose: When discussing anything besides Ebony's apperance, the prose becomes very simplistic. Chapter 1:
"I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowy and rainy at the same time."
- Berserk Button: Don't mess with Dumblydor if he has a headache.
- Big Damn Hero: Dumbledore at the My Chemical Romance concert.
- Big No: Used many times throughout, including Snaketail before his death.
- Black and Grey Morality: As this dramatic reading series notes, "Everyone is either a Satanist or a prep and both of them are evil."
- Bolivian Army Ending: We never see what happens after she uses Avada Kedavra.
- Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick: Ebony and "B'loody Mary" (a.k.a. Hermione), while watching Das niteMARE b4 xmas, discuss how their ex-friend Willow got expelled for skipping classes. B'loody Mary suddenly mentions that "after Willow got expelled I murdered her and then Loopin did it with her cos he's a necphilak". Ebony's only response is a happy "Kawai".
- Breaking the Fourth Wall: Ebony sometimes goes as far as addressing the reader directly. While in character. In the middle of the story.
He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko.
- Buffy-Speak: "Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face."
- Bus Crash: Willow would be an example of this if there were any continuity. She is featured prominently in chapter two and then isn't mentioned again until chapter sixteen in which it's stated she died. But then she comes back from the dead with no explanation.
- Captain Obvious: "All the glass in the window he flew thru fell apart."
- Card-Carrying Villain: All "preps" are evil. Don't ask why — Tara seems to think it's self-evident.
- Casanova Wannabe: Snaketail.
- Cell Phone: "Meanwhile I grabed my blak mobile and sent a txt 2 Serious." Whilst being held prisoner by Snap.
- Cluster F-Bomb: Tara makes liberal use of F-Bombs. Here's just one example:
What the fuck? You torture my fucking bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard.
- Common Mary Sue Traits: "...and I have long ebony black hair with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears..." Make it more obvious, why don't you? After whining about Snap and Loopin videotaping her and random men wanting her, she exclaims "Im good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!"
- Complete Monster: Snap, Loopin, and Volxemort, according to Tara. It doesn't really work out.
- Composite Character: Played strait and inverted in multiple cases.
- Conflict Ball: Why do the two groups of daft High School stereotypes hate each other? God knows.
- Content Warnings: "WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD." (Of course, "excretion" might just be the right word...)
- Cool Car: Draco has a flying Mercedes-Benz. Notably, one of the actual canon features of the fanfic: at least one flying car does exist in the Potter Verse. Although it's fairly out of character for Malfoy to own an enchanted version of a Muggle invention.
- Costume Porn: And how. Pretty much 1/3 of the fic is spent describing what someone is wearing. It could probably be more if Tara wasn't so busy writing out a Groundhog Day Loop in between fits of IKEA Erotica, but...
- Crack Fic
- Crossover: Marty McFly appears for no real reason to take Ebony back to the present.
- Darth "Valer" takes Voldemort's place at one point.
- Socrates makes an appearance in Chapter 36. Yeah, wrap your mind around that one.
- A third, possibly unintentional one:
Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen. He was wering long blak hair, kinda like Mikey Way only black. He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung and pale whit skin. He wuz wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans. It was.........Tom Bombodil!1111
- In another cameo involving Voldemort, at one point, Voldemort's past self is referred to as "Tom Anderson".
- "Yeah shut up!!!!" Snake said preppily.
- 'Gothically' is also used as an adjective. And apparently there is such a thing as an 'emo voice'.
- 'Sexily' is also frighteningly common, as in "I jumped sexily in front of da bullet".
- Darker, Sadder And Emo-er
- Dark Is Not Evil / Light Is Not Good: Assuming that the author isn't a troll, she miserably failed at the former, since the main characters are all Byronic heroes. The later is played straight however with the preps, who are all obsessed with pink and other lively colours and light and range from mere annoyances to jerkasses.
- A Date with Rosie Palms: Presumably this is what Loopin's "masticating", or "MASTABATING (c is dat speld rong)" was meant to be.
- A Day in the Limelight: Chapter 37 attempts to switch to Draco's point of view, but after 10 lines it's mentioned that "Draco, Ebory and I went to Profesor Siniater's room", which makes no sense no matter which way you look at it. Afterwards, the POV apparently switches back to Enoby.
- Department of Redundancy Department: Lots of it.
- Disproportionate Retribution: "Samoro" responds when "Lucian" messes up during a performance of their band by attempting to shoot off his arm.
- Don't Explain the Joke: There is precisely one instance of a pun not being pointed out. Even if it had been pointed out, it would still have been the only good pun in the entire story. One of the worst cases of her pointing something out, was when she intentionally used "bitca" instead of "bitch" in reference to a rather obscure line in the Season 2 opener of Buffy. Tara's comment on this otherwise brilliant Shout-Out?
- Draco in Leather Pants: Invoked
- The Dragon: Snap to Voldemort
- Dramatic Ellipsis: "It was... ... ... ... ... (CHARACTER)!" is used more than a few times. Used all the time before "sex" scenes as well. "And then..........we started frenching passively", or some variation thereof, appears about 50 times in the fic.
- Deus Ex Machina:
- Dumbledore's appearance at the MCR concert.
- Ebony gets shot by James (Samaro) and survives. The reason for her survival is explained by Serious (Sirius). "Enoby u were almost shot!11" said Serious. "But da ballet could not kill u since u were form anodder time."
- Dumbledore's iPod turning into a time machine. Which Ebony just happens to need.
- Dramatic Thunder: "I knew who thou were all along." he cackled evilly and sarcastically at me. "Now I shall kill thee all!!!!!!" Thunder came in da room.
- Driven to Suicide: Draco. Of course, after being found in his room, dead, he promptly reappears in the story and nobody so much as comments on it. Admittedly, it's possible that the author was trying to imply that Voldemort had kidnapped him and put a fake corpse in Drako's room, or something.
- Eerie Pale-Skinned Brunette: A majority of the characters, from Ebony, Willow, Vampire, B'loody Mary...
- The Eighties: Tara randomly decides that Voldemort attended Hogwarts in the 1980s (canonically, it's the 1940s) - maybe she just couldn't imagine a time before there were "goffs". She also throws the Marauders, who canonically attended Hogwarts in the 1970s, into the same time period. And she keeps up only the barest pretense of the '80s, filling the '80s scenes with blatant pop-culture anachronisms. At least twice her author's notes point out details which aren't accurate to the '80s in order to ask us to ignore them.
- Emo Teen: What Tara, Ebony, and every other "goth" in this story really are (the stereotypes of).
- Everyone Is Bi: Or at least, all the guys. The girls aren't, however, because that's gross.
- Fail O'Suckyname: Most of the original Harry Potter character have been given new names. Such as Hermione now being B'loody Mary, Ron being Diabolo, "Navel" becoming "Dracola" and Harry becoming Vampire.
- Fandom Specific Plot: Towards the end, Ebony finds herself starring in a version of the ever-popular Tom-Riddle-redemption-story.
- Fantastic Racism: Draco mostly averts this, but once calls Ebony a "fucking poser muggle bitch" in an attempt by the author to prove that he's still in character.
- Flanderization: The OOC characterization and writing style get unbelievably worse with each passing chapter, most notably after the time travel segment. Of course, this only applies if you take the viewpoint that Tara is, in fact, an internet troll. The first few chapters were supposedly done with Raven proofreading it, which explains why they're easier to understand than the rest.
- Freudian Excuse: Volxemort. In Professor Trevolry (or Professor Sinister's) own words, "When Voldemint was in Hogwarts before he became powerful he gut his hearth borken. Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love?"
- Freudian Slip:
- Tara occasionally substitutes her own name for Ebony's.
- There is at least one instance of the author referring to Sirius as "Sodomize" and Cornelius Fudge as "Cornelio Fuck".
- An apparent case of Mister Seahorse: "Vampire" attacks Lupin and Snape by "pointing his womb".
- Funetik Aksent: The author lapses out of this on multiple occasions. Most famously, the word "goffik".
- Genre Launch: When this fic came out, a lot of people decided to imitate the author. This, in turn, led to a full-blown red alert at the Fanfiction.net HQ, where they quickly moved to eradicate the oncoming plague and destroy all evidence of the crimes committed. Despite FF.net's valiant efforts to preserve the wellbeing and sanity of the overall populace, this new trend where good and decent writers produce worse fiction than the worst writers has proven to be a rather deadly and resilient cancer.
- Giftedly Bad: Tara.
- Gratuitous Japanese: Professor Sinister, and to a lesser extent Ebony. Oddly, Ebony likes the word "kawaii".
- And she uses it incorrectly on almost every occasion, too: kawaii (pronounced 'kawa-ee', not 'kah-why') doesn't map exactly to the English word 'cute'; rather, 'kawaii' describes the concept of cuteness, and carries with it overtones of innocence, youthfulness and childhood. It's essentially the concept of looking like/behaving like a child. However, the 'kah-why' pronunciation does give you a similar word, kowai, which means scary or creepy. The 'Kawai' misspelling gives you a make of piano.
- What makes the use of this especially strange is that nowhere in the fic does any character indicate liking anime, J-pop, or anything else pertaining to Japanese culture.
- The use of "Hajimemashite". On one occasion, Enoby meets up with one of her friends, and the other character says "Hajimemashite, gurl!" Or some such bullcrap. Hajimemashite is what you say to someone upon first meeting them, not something you would say to a friend.
- Groundhog Day Loop: Doesn't really fit the trope exactly, but in some chapters, a scenario happens and it is repeated word for word later in the story. There are three easily identifiable examples of this. The first being where Vampire's pentagram scar changes back into a lightning bolt revealing Draco's whereabouts (Volfemort has him bondage). The second is when Ebony (or Enoby) goes to an MCR concert, only to find out it's not really them, but "Volsemort and da Death Dealers!" The third example is a special case as it happens in two different chapters. Draco is caught doing it wif Snap!1111111111111111111111111. and Willow tries to attack him.
- Hero Antagonist: Dumbledore, or whatever the hell his name is sometimes is this. This, in fact, borders on Hardy Boys Investigation. Ebony and friends basically do nothing except whine while Dumbledore flies in to save them every time things get out of hand. And they still hate him for no reason.
- Hormone-Addled Teenager: Everyone.
- Hurricane of Puns: A ton of really bad puns get used throughout, each one with an author's note pointing it out.
- Hypocrite: Tara repeatedly interrupts the story to ramble about how "hott" gay men are, then insults her flamers by calling them "gay fags".
- IKEA Erotica: "He put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time."
- I Know You Know I Know
I knew that James had really ben possezzed, but I didn't want him2 know I knew.
- I Love the Dead: "Loopin" is allegedly a "necphilak".
- Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy: To quote Szaleniec in his dramatic reading "This story would be a lot shorter if the characters could shoot straight"
- Incest Is Relative: "I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie."
- Informed Attribute: It's mentioned a couple of times that Ebony is bisexual (such as Draco narrating "I'm bi and so is Ebony") but she never shows any sexual interest in any women at all in the entire story.
- In Name Only: This is not a Harry Potter fanfiction. This is an original story, with characters named after Harry Potter characters. Said characters immediately proceed to change their names to something else, at which point it stops being a Harry Potter fanfic even in name.
- In-Series Nickname: Several characters are given "goffic" nicknames. Harry is "Vampire", Hermione is "B'loody Mary", Ron is "Diabolo", Neville is "Dracola", etc.
- Invisibility Cloak: Vampire's black cloak is the worst invisibility cloak ever, since apparently people can see it while in use. From Chapter 21:
He went unda da invisibility cloke and started to meow loudly.
- Ironic Hell: Ebony, when the fic gets hijacked.
- Kudzu Plot: Well, if it had a plot...
- Large Ham: Way too many to name. Characters constantly deliver lines in an overly dramatic fashion.
- Logic Bomb: At one point the main characters "talked to each other in silence," which is practically Zen.
- MacGuffin: Snap and Loopin's video. Maybe.
- The most infamous of these has to be Loopin "masticating" while watching Enony. She later spells it "mastabating" with an author's note pointing out that she spelled it right this time.
- Tara. Often tries to use words, and fails, as seen all over this very page. Presumably she or Raven just let their spellchecker make its best guesses and never looked back.
"I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco"
- Meaningful Name: The "Raven" part of Ebony's name refers to Tara's friend, Raven. After Tara stops being friends with Raven, she changes Ebony's name to "Ebony Darkness Dementia TARA Way". Then, she reverts it back later on.
- Mexican Standoff: Ebony points one out in the final chapter, though she accidentally calls it a "Latin standoff".
- Mood Swinger: Ebony has so many mood swings that it makes you wonder if shes bipolar. Draco has a mood swing once.
- Morton's Fork: As mentioned, if you live in Tara Land, you can either try to be goffic, in which case you're a poser and you suck, or not, in which case you're a prep and you suck. Without being a legit goff, Tom Rid won't give you the "real" goffic clothes. But you can't be a "real" goff without them, so you can't get the "real" goffic clothes unless you already have them. Oh, and you're not considered a true goff unless you know all goffic knowledge, but if you didn't have said information at some point, then you're a poser. Wait, what? Are you just supposed to be born knowing the lyrics to MCR songs? How did Ebony and friends become legit goffs anyway? We're told the Harry Potter characters Tara likes became goffic, which means they must have been preps before (since all non-goffs are "preps" in Tara Land), so how did they get the clothes and why weren't they considered posers for having to be told about MCR? It seems to be that you can become a "real goff" if you're suicidally depressed and/or have suffered horrible traumas, as Draco "used to want to commit suicide all the time", Vampire Potter has "gone through horrible problems", B'loody Mary is traumatised by the loss of her real parents, and Jenny and Diabolo's dad "raped them and stuff".
- Mister Seahorse: "'ABRA KEDAVRA!' Vampire yelled pointing his womb."
- My Girl Is Not a Slut: One of the excessive number of author notes pretty much says it just like that. If you need to argue about it, you are not making a very strong case for yourself. In spite of the author's claims, Ebony really is a slut, what with her randomly screwing "Vampire" Potter in the middle of a crowd, even though she hated him, for no real reason.
- Negative Continuity
- Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot: According to the LRM dramatic reading: "Goffik bi Satanist Slytherin magic users".
- No Celebrities Were Harmed: Britney, described as a "stupid preppy fucker".
- No Ending: Tara's account was hacked into twice. The first put up a parody Death Fic as chapter 39 where Ebony dies and canon and sanity are restored. The second attempt locked Tara out completely, meaning that the story abruptly ends when Ebony is about to kill Voldemort.
- Obligatory Swearing: Again, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"
- An Offer You Can't Refuse: Voldemort tells Ebony that if she doesn't kill Vampire, she and Draco will die. He never really follows up on that.
Voldemort: If thou doth not kill him, then I shall kill him anyways!
- Oh My Gods: "Oh my Satan" is used a number of times by the Satanist characters.
- Our Vampires Are Different: Vampirism seems to be relatively meaningless here. Apparently they can be killed by a cross (a word which Enoby even refuses to say, except when she doesn't) or by a steak (so they should avoid restaurants and butcher's shops).
- Out of Character: Nearly everyone. Ironically, averted with McGonagall, who appears once to yell at Ebony and Draco for having sex.
- Overly Long Name: Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. Enough said.
- Plot Hole
- Point of View: Primarily told in first-person, but very briefly switches to second-person in Chapter 37.
- Power Perversion Potential: Broomsticks as a peeping tom platform.
- Present Day Past: Made even worse by author's notes talking about it. Tara's friend Raven provides the page quote. Hilariously, the story was started in 2006 and the references are already becoming dated. For example, Ebony's mention that Joel Madden is dating Hilary Duff (they broke up a few months after that was written, and Madden now has two children with Nicole Richie, whom he met after Duff). Additionally, Twilight is conspicuous by its absence. If the fic were written now, Tara would have endlessly reminded us whether she considers Twilight a "goff" thing or a "poser" thing.
- Precision F-Strike: “What the fucking hell?”
- Psychic Powers:
- Punctuation Shaker: Ebony Dark'ness and B'loody Mary, to start with.
- Random Events Plot
- Rape Is the New Dead Parents: The fic manages to combine rape and dead parents in a typically off-hand manner.
It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle's dad was a vampire. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor. He had raped them and stuff before too. They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism.
- Real Life Writes the Plot: The single chapter rename of the main character and expulsion of "Willow" was due to some falling out between Tara and Raven in real life.
- Retcon: A ton, as in this example:
Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )
- Ron the Death Eater: In the series, Lupin ("Loopin") is apparently a pedophile, is helping Voldemort for some reason, and enjoys chewing on things. Also happens to Dumbledore, despite the fact that he does nothing evil.
- Rouge Angles of Satin: Is freakin' made of this trope. Including the main character's name, misspelt half the time as "Enoby".
- Sadistic Choice: As mentioned, the plot hinges primarily on Voldemort giving Ebony the choice between her killing Vampire or him killing both Vampire and Draco (no effort is made to explain why he's bothering to do it this way). There's also the sequence in Chapter 30 when Snap, having taken Ebony, Draco and Vampire captive, shows Ebony the "Dork Mark on his you-know-wut" and threatens to "rap Draco!1" if Ebony doesn't stab Vrompire (Ebony's agonising over the decision primarily revolves around which of them is the more "smexy"). Neither of these are followed up on.
- Scooby-Doo Hoax: subverted in that the chosen disguise wasn't intended to scare people away. Voldemort and the 'death dealers' attempt a method of espionage which involves disguising themselves as My Chemical Romance- not with polyjuice potion, as you may suspect, but with wearable costumes and masks. Basically, Voldemort donned a Gerard Way face mask and stole his clothes. And of course, it fooled everyone.
- Screw the Rules, I'm Beautiful: Ebony, of course, although she's only "beautiful" by the standards of this 'verse.
- Selective Squick: Tara refuses to refer to her- er, Ebony's vagina as anything other than "my you-know-what" or "my thingie", but does not skimp on introducing anal sex, rape, anal rape, torture, etc.
- Serious Business: The "preps" vs. "goffs" conflict seems to be equal to--nay, synonymous with--that canonical good vs. evil thing.
- Shaped Like Itself: "He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was...... Voldemort!"
- Shout-Out: At least one to Buffy, when Enoby calls someone a "son of a bitca" and adds an author's note reading "buffy rox". There's also a line which might be a Shout Out to Clerks, where one of the teachers says "this job would be great if not for the fucking students".
- Sidekick: Ebony occasionally has Willow or B'loody Mary filling this role; like Ebony herself, however, they pretty much never get anything useful done.
- Snow Means Love: Ebony and Draco first spoke when it was snowing. Most likely just a coincidence.
- So Beautiful It's a Curse: Ebony, of course.
"Its so unfair!" I yielded. "Why can't I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here?...Im good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!"
- Spiritual Successor: Several attempts have cropped up, none quite as hilarious in their badness as the original.
- Stealth Parody: This is a common interpretation, as many people don't want to accept the implication of Tara writing this seriously. Unfortunately, a frighteningly-accurate parody of truly execrable fan fic can be hard to distinguish from a truly execrable fan fic.
- Tag-Team Suicide: Almost happens with Ebony and Draco.
- Take That: To reviewers. ("U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes (HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?")
- Assuming it's a parody, it may be a hugely brilliant Take That at self-righteously "unconventional" teenagers who look down on anyone they regard as "mainstream" despite the fact that they themselves are still conforming, only to a different group. Ebony is this sort of snobbery taken Up to Eleven, to the point where she can only see the world in terms of "goffs" and "preps". In her world, "goffiness" is the only quality which human beings can be judged by and anyone who fails to meet her standards is a "prep" by default. And, of course, all the "goff" stuff she likes is actually pretty mainstream, just less obviously "preppy", emphasizing her hypocrisy.
- Tears of Blood
- Textual Celebrity Resemblance: Ebony opens the fic by describing herself as looking like Amy Lee.
- That Came Out Wrong: "Draco and I came. It was.......Vlodemort and da Death Deelers!" .....Okay, either the reveal was really exciting (it wasn't) or those two really need to stop having sex at the first chance. It's seriously getting out of hand. Too bad she didn't learn the first time she did it and kept on using "X came" lines. Her spelling doesn't help:
"Hargird kept shooting at us to cum back 2 Hogwarts."
- That Makes Me Feel Angry: Ebony/Tara: "I was so mad and sad."
- There Are No Therapists: The only way of dealing with life-changing trauma in the MIverse is to become goffik and/or commit suicide.
- There's No B in Movie: One of Ebony's favourite films is apparently the infamous Shark Attack 3, a film almost as lovably idiotic as the fic she stars in. Needless to say, this is in keeping with the inconsistency of her supposed personal culture: Shark Attack 3 does not have even the remotest connection to "goffickness".
- Timey-Wimey Ball: The point where the fanfic loses anything resembling coherence.
- Trademark Favourite Food: Count Chocula with blood instead of milk.
- Troll Fic: Maybe...
- Undead Tax Exemption: After Ebony goes back in time, she declares that she's a new student and that she's in Slytherin. No one questions this.
- Unexplained Recovery: Draco commits suicide. No, he does not attempt suicide, he commits it, and is found dead. This is never mentioned again.
- Viewers are Morons: Geddit?
- Villain Protagonist: Arguable.
- Weaksauce Weakness: Apparently, vampires can't even write the word cross. They sometimes not only forget this but wear cross earrings. Not only that, but they're also vulnerable to steak.
- We All Live in America: Hogwarts is in Britain, but you wouldn't know with all the American cultural references.
- What Do You Mean It's Not Awesome?: Tara describes getting dressed with as much care and attention to detail (by her standards, anyway) as other writers describe epic battle sequences.
- What Happened to the Mouse?: Dobby makes a tiny cameo and never appears again. Professor McGoogle's last appearance is rather early as well.
- Why Don't Ya Just Shoot Him: In chapter 23, Voldemort confronts Ebony, Vampire, and Draco. Voldemort tells Ebony that she has failed her mission and that now he will kill her and Vampire. Ebony says "Plz don't make me kill him plz!". Voldemort's response is to threaten to kill them again, then flee. Really, Voldemort could have just killed Ebony, Draco, and Vampire. Why would Ebony saying no prevent him from killing them all on the spot?
- Writer on Board: See Author Filibuster.
- Yaoi Fangirl: Tara interrupts the narrative several times to mention how hot gay/bi men are. Oddly, she insults her reviewers by calling them "gay fags" in the author's notes. And after Evony finds out that Draco has slept with Vampire, she thinks he must have AIDs!
- Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe: Voldemort speaks in this. Nobody really knows why.
- You Keep Using That Word
- That pretty much means "I screamed inactively as he belched".