Narm/Fan Fiction

The most common sources of Narm in Fan Fiction are poorly-written angst fics and poorly-written porn fics. Any combination of the two is utterly hilarious.

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• As if it really needs to be added: My Immortal and anything in other fanfic that reminds the reader of My Immortal.
• And Forbiden Fruit the Tempation of Edward Cullen'. ("HALF-BREAD!")
• Of Warlords and Pleasures: "Dandin licked slowly deeper, not surprised at the cleanliness of Mariel's anus, for she was the cleanest, most pure mousemaid he had ever known, both in body and spirit."
• Soulless Shell: "Leif walked into the alley SO ARNOLD HE YELLLED TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MORE POOR YOUNG GIRLS EH I GUESS I WAS TOO LATE TO STOP YOU FROM TAKING THIS YOUNG GIRLS INNOCENCE BUT IT IS NOT TO LATE FOR ME TO KILL YOU."
• Legolas By Laura: "and then one of the orcs striped her and then he raped her and then laura said 'go away you bastard'".
• A PPC fic once featured a Mary Sue who screamed "My name is Salina Rose, and I AM A PIRATATE!"
• A PPC agent once said that a good rule of thumb is "Any fic which has the word 'rape' in its title is probably going to be brain-meltingly bad." She based this evidence on experience with two So Bad It's Good Lemon fanfics, entitled Shadow Rapes Matthias and Lullabies, Anal Rape and Dental Hygiene. The former was Exactly What It Says on the Tin, whereas the latter had a distinct lack of lullabies or dental hygiene. It also proved that, while it may be perfectly reasonable to think the phrase "Holy fucking shit, he's going to rape me!" when being attacked, it's very hard to take seriously in text, particularly when the character who says it apparently has NO INDOOR VOICE!!
• Can we talk about Light and Dark The Adventures of Dark Yagami? Here's a good one, "DONT WORRY! I WILL PAY YOU WELL BECAUSE YOU WERE MY BROTHER AND YOU WERE MY BEST FREND AND YOU WERE HIS GRAMPA!"
  • And when Watari sees that Dark has shot Mello, in a supposedly climactic scene, Watari just exclaims stereotypically British expressions, yelling "I say, what's all this noise!" and "Bloody bugger! You shot Mello!" A few scenes later, Soichiro twists his mustache "like an evil guy."
    • Is it really even possible to isolate examples from "The Adventures of Dark Yagami"? Every other line is some awesome form of Narm, including possibly every single line after the "Getting the Team Together" chapter, which is when things really, really REALLY get insane. It has to be read to be believed.
• "Deserving": "I hate that you have a cock. I hate it! I hate that I am married to someone who has a cock!"
  • "Dumbledorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre!"
  • Richard crying "Pah pah, up pah pah, up" when the Diabolus Ex Machina has left Snape chained to the floor becomes funny rather than heartrending for three reasons: firstly, he's completely unharmed, secondly, it's hard not to hear it as the "oompa-oompa-oompa-pa" trombone from The Music Man, and thirdly, it's more than a bit reminiscent of the "Profesor McGoogle did a spell so that we were all chained up" scene in My Immortal.
  • "LUBE! Always lube. Don't make me repeat it," came the menacing voice.
• There's a fanvid on YouTube that shows an Eevee in armor fighting a generic fantasy dragon. If that wasn't enough, said Pokemon gets the gleefully Narmy line of, "I got two strong arms!" while it is about to be ripped apart. Unfortunately, this Troper is unable to find that video again.
• Chocobo Nights is loaded with this. One shining example is Tifa screaming "IT'S SO FURRY!" while being "ridden" by a Chocobo, not to mention her really over-the-top orgasms...
• In Christian Humber Reloaded, there's a few instances of this.
  • The main character yells "NOOO! WHOEVER DID THIS WILL PAY DEARLY, BECAUSE I LOVED THEM?" after finding the little girl who took him in and her father dead along with the rest of their village in the second chapter.
  • "Soil, is my power." Supposedly, it was taken from the Final Fantasy Unlimited anime along with the Magun, but that doesn't make it much better.
  • "I will rip out your hearts eat them then crap out your souls, you will taste oblivion, which tastes like Red Bull, which is disgusting!" Vash's attempt at a Badass Boast after combining his Super Saiyan and dragon forms in early Part 6.
    • What makes the above quote even worse is that it's ripped from an episode of Red vs. Blue.
• There is a Gurren Lagann Dark Fic that tells the story of how Simon was driven to insanity with an earlier death of Kamina. The fic is well-written, but the continuous references to the Kamina/Jesus theory and using religious terms makes this Troper cackle.
• Shy Snootles writes the most Wangst-ridden, over-the-top, Tastes Like Diabetes Skywalker dramas imaginable. "A New Life Part 1," "A New Life Part 2," and "The Hardest Test" are post-ROTJ AU's that consist entirely of hysterical blubbering and sobbing over Anakin's Dark and Troubled Past as Darth Vader and all sorts of wailing and crying over pain and forgiveness. The sheer melodrama is nothing short of awe-inspiring, and that is before you get to the equally hilarious reviewers who thought these were the most intense, gut-wrenching fics they'd ever read. It's also comprised of many, many overwrought Walls Of Text, which just beg for a Dramatic Reading.
  • The truly sad part is that, unlike the other authors listed here, Shy Snootles would actually be a pretty decent writer if she only learned to tone that crap down.
• Naruto Veangance Revelaitons has this every time someone yells a Big No, which the author cannot even spell correctly. Perhaps the best example is Sakura yelling "MOOOOOO" after Naruto commits suicide.
  • The author seems to have trouble with "no" in general; Ronan later exclaims "GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" after learning that Sakura might be carrying Naruto's child.
• Bart the General has this quite a bit with Homer Omarn's Wangst, especially the infamous "Marge... yer breakin' my heart... MAAAAAARRRGGEE..."
• This author's work is a prime source of narm of varying degrees, along with defying science at every opportunity and using a few offensive scenarios. However, this extremely long story takes the cake in just the second paragraph.
• Where to start with The Girl Who Lived? You could simply say "everything the author inserted into the canon stories", but the real special mention must go to every single one of Rose Potter's melodramatic, absurd speeches about whatever takes her fancy at that moment, which happen with alarming frequency (and are often accompanied by her floating in the air with her eyes glowing and winds blowing around her, as though it were not "dramatic" enough). Any speech that features an eleven year old girl reacting to a person she just met making mildly derogatory remarks by saying "You impugn the honor of my parents Malfoy, and those of my friend! Leave!", qualifies as Narm.
  • According to that work's page, the author actually copied down the entire series word-for-word. That's... wow.
• A Babysitters Club fanfic (this one, to be exact) featured this gem: "My heart is failuring me!"
  • Another one from a since-deleted fic: "I pushed four times and the baby came out."
• One of the many gems from the Hannah Montana\Kung Fu Panda crossover named Love's Heartstrings:

Po/Kung Fu Panda: "Hannah… UR DAD RAPED ME!"

• Little Kuriboh's spinoff fic Marik & Bakura Go To Censored Town has a hilarious in-universe example - Yami Bakura is about to be tortured by Melvin, and he's pretty damn scared... until he realises that Melvin's wearing nothing but a tiny purple thong. He points out that the thong makes the whole situation ridiculous.
• Most of The Last War. The writing is serviceable if overwrought, but it doesn't take long for the plot to cross the line from tragedy into farce. Then there's the bit where Hermione's love for Harry is described as being "like golden water", the bit where they dance to "Always" by Erasure (aka the theme from Robot Unicorn Attack) and the bit where The A-Team shows up for no apparent reason.
• From Alvan an The Chipmunks 3 The Second Squeakuel: "Brittany was screamin an experiencin pain like she'd never felt before, an Ian was laughin with pleasure an sadism as he made the tiny female chipmunk scream in agony an bleed very bad the bathroom floor was covered in a mix of blood an semen from Ians cock." Most of Alvin an the Chipmunks 3 is pretty narmy, but this sentence takes the cake.
• Fanfic-as-traced-comic How I Became Yours is awash with Narm; in fact, one could say that every page is visual Narm just because of the terrible art, but the dialog and Walls Of Text take it Up to Eleven. The most famous would have to be "chard monster," but Aang, Zuko, and Sokka (who are adults here) going "yea lets get wasted!" comes a close second.
• From the Death Note fic Gods of This New World: "Meanwhile, L had been in a harrier jet overhead... He readied a missile to be fired, and unleashed fiery hell on Mello."
• Throughout the fic Respawn of the Dead,the Soldier goes steadily insane as he dodges Medic's attempts to give him medication for his schizophrenia. As a result of this, his shovel ends up talking to him and making his behavior more and more paranoid. This actually manages to be quite creepy... before it quickly barrels into the ridiculous, as the shovel starts to hit on Soldier, and he eventually has sex with it. While it's obvious that this was intended to be disgusting and disturbing,the whole situation is so mind-bendingly silly that it's hard to take it seriously. Trying not to think too hard about how it would be physically possible (which is a funny thought in and of itself), let's put it bluntly - try and say "He fucked a shovel" while still keeping a straight face. Made even funnier by Soldier asking the shovel if it was a boy shovel or a girl shovel, just so he could avoid being gay. With a shovel.
• Many emotional moments in Cori Falls's fanfics due to the overuse of crying sparkling teardrops and overwrought emotional reactions. A few choice examples:
  • When Gary confesses that Jessie and James "didn't miss much" by missing opening night for the Lord of the Rings movie, the words "hit them like a punch in the gut" as they throw their arms around each other in fear and panic.
  • In "Thorns of the Rose", James is crying into his pillow when Meowth comes in. When the cat asks what's wrong, James bawls "It's Jessie, she doesn't love me anymore!"
  • In "Blood on the Moon", Jessie's reaction to James being in a bad mood and snapping at her is this at first. "But now, as I listened to him yelling at me and looked at the angry expression on his face, all of the beautiful things we'd shared seemed so hollow." Though it quickly slides into horrifying when Jessie mistakes his behavior for abuse and decides to "put him back in his place" by slapping him and telling him to go to hell.
• The majority of moments in the Voltron: Legendary Defender fic Across the Multiverse that are supposed to be Tear Jerkers come off as this, due to just how whiny and unsympathetic Akira Kogane/Keith is all throughout.
• Hogwarts Exposed:
  • In Part 2, Straw Feminist bully Rosalind plans to force Emily to be her Sex Slave if Jamie loses the Miss Nude Teen contest. While the situation is genuinely gross and horrifying, it loses a lot of that punch as Emily pukes her guts up at even the slightest reminder of Rosalind. Probably because she doesn't shave her crotch.
  • Madame Hooch is a sexual predator, but she's written as such an over the top stereotype that it's hard to take her seriously.
• Pretty much all of this author's work is full of it. Particularly:
  • Alan and Anne Chan having emotional meltdowns over not being in the school play as the leads in this fic because Alan's too nervous to act without Anne beside him. The other kids' teasing of him about the girl he's acting opposite is too goofy to take seriously as well.
    • Alan and Anne, period. They're supposed to be twin siblings with a close relationship, but the way they cling and can't live without each other is ridiculous. Not to mention smacking of something else.
  • Sammy Tsukino yelling in ALL CAPS at Amy that she's supposed to marry him and not Zoisite in this fic. Actually, that's the author's favorite way to convey drama and emotion, period.
  • Her portrayal of people being grossed out is so over the top in general. They don't just wrinkle their noses or squirm away if someone eats something they find gross, they turn green and immediately announce they're going to be sick! This is especially bad with Haruka (aka Amara in these fics), where even something as common as peanut butter, chocolate, and marshmallow s'mores makes her feel ill.
    • The first fic on this list also has Alan suddenly start vomiting from nerves about the school play. It turns out to be the flu, but no indication was even given that he was getting sick beforehand.
  • There's always one character who has to be the token jerkass, and they always sound like a grade school bully even if they're an adult or an older teen.
  • The way the characters talk in general sounds manufactured, as if the writer was going based on emotions and situations rather than what would fit the specific character. Attempts are made, but most of the time everyone sounds like they're acting in a really bad grade school play.
• This author has much the same issue. Admittedly not all of his fics have these problems, but you could count the exceptions on one hand. Issues include:
  • Every character in his stories either acting massively Out of Character or having been Flanderized into a one-dimensional aspect of themsleves.
  • Actions having zero emotional consequences and everyone blindly accepting any Heel Face Turn or a Brainwashed and Crazy explanation in a most unnatural sounding tone. The result of this and the above is most characters sounding like androids who heard and are trying to mimic human conversation but have no grasp of emotions or inflections.
  • Tons of Author Tracts and whole Plot Detours to justify a rant. Which of course also results in the characters sounding OOC when they say it while destroying the flow of the story.
  • Most of his fics reading like transcripts for comic book panels. Descriptions are barely a step above being "X does this action using this power. Y reacts with that power to counter."
  • Deus Ex Machinas abound. Some MacGuffin (living or otherwise) will always show up just at the right time to give the heroes the push they need and/or rapidly solve everything.
  • And of course, no cheesy fanfiction would be complete without loads of Disproportionate Retribution for people that acted in any slight way that the author was offended by. While some canonical Karma Houdinis do fall victim to a comically overkill punishment, anyone who did any slight thing or expressed any belief that disagreed with the author's own is liable to this.