Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide/Characters

This is for all of the myriad characters in Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide.

Students

Ned Bigby

Devon Werkheiser

The Hero and a fairly nice average guy who gives people tips to survive school and often comes up with zany schemes to tackle his problems.

• Badass Longcoat and Cool Shades: As the Revenger.
• Book Dumb
• Cute Shotaro Boy
• Deadpan Snarker: Mostly towards Cookie.
• Dogged Nice Guy: Concerning Suzie.
• The Everyman
  • Genius Ditz
    • Brilliant but Lazy
• The Hero
• Unwanted Harem: The "Huge Crew" and Missy all vie for his affections.

Jennifer "Moze" Mosely

Lindsey Shaw

The sensible one of the main trio and a dedicated volleyball player.

• The Ace
• The Chick
• Deadpan Snarker
• First Girl Wins
• Huge Schoolgirl
• One of the Boys
• Spanner in the Works: she does tend to ruin things for Ned, MANY times, sometimes accidentally.
• Tomboy (Of the Shorttank variety)
• Tomboy and Girly Girl: tomboy to Suzie's girly girl
• Victorious Childhood Friend
• Women Are Wiser

Simon Nelson "Cookie" Cook

Daniel Curtis Lee

The nerd of the group and a "self-proclaimed" cyborg who also gets caught up in wacky schemes, usually lacking even less in the common sense department than Ned's.

• Black and Nerdy
• Black Best Friend
• Butt Monkey: sometimes.
• Expy: Seems to be a reference to the infamous Steve Urkel
• Gadgeteer Genius
• The Lancer
• Large Ham (At times, but it is a kid's show and he is only marginally worse than the others).
• The Smart Guy
• Extraverted Nerd

Suzie Crabgrass

Christian Serratos

One of the most popular girls in school and the object of Ned's affection for the first two seasons and girlfriend in the third, as well as Moze's best friend who's a girl and volleyball co-captain

• Alpha Bitch: Subverted - she's really a nice and sweet girl.
  • Lovable Alpha Bitch
• The Rival: Moze's rival at everything until they became best friends.
• Romantic False Lead: Though mostly in the finale, the rest of the time she's treated like a legitimate love interest.
• Tomboy and Girly Girl: girly girl to Moze's tomboy

Billy Loomer

Kyle Swann

The school bully who frequently targets Ned and has a crush on Moze. He dated Suzie for most of season 2.

• The Bully
• Hopeless Suitor: To Moze.
• Jerkass
• Last-Name Basis: To the point where people are surprised to find out he has a first name.
• Love Redeems: In a way. He changed so Moze would love him. It failed-- he caught Suzie's eye instead.
• Meaningful Name: The Looming Bully.
  • Incidentaly, it also sounds a lot like Billy Loomis.

Lisa Zemo

Rachel Sibner

A nerdy girl with a crush on Cookie that he generally ignored for seasons 1 and 2. Eventually had her braces removed and got contacts, getting the attention of a considerable amount of boys, including Cookie.

• Beautiful All Along
• Gasshole Only for one episode, where she burped the alphabet for a talent show and was seen practicing her burping beforehand.
• Hollywood Homely
• Hollywood Nerd: Female example
• Meganekko

Missy Meany

Carlie Casey

The most popular girl in school and a total bitch. Eventually develops a psychotic obsession with Ned.

• Alliterative Name
• Alpha Bitch
• Asshole Victim: Not murder, but still. Yes, what Ned did to her in Guide To: Revenge was mean, but admit it, you felt a bit satisfied watching her suffer (or, her idea of suffering) too.
• Clingy Jealous Girl: To an extreme degree. In addition to giving us the page quote, she scares off any female except Moze who get's remotely close to Ned until he fakes dating Moze just to driver her off.
• Meaningful Name
• Stalker with a Crush: On Ned.

Moze: If you don't like Missy, why don't you just tell her? Ned: Because reason doesn't work on crazy people!

• Suspiciously Similar Substitute: There was a different Alpha Bitch named "Bitsy" in a couple episodes of Season 1. Missy took over in Season 2 and Bitsy vanished without a trace.
• Yandere

Famen Fourtune

Vinicius Machado

Moze's Brazilian love interest for Season 3.

• Alliterative Name
• Latin Lover
• Meaningful Name: His name is a play on the words "fame and fortune".
• Punny Name: See "Meaningful Name".
• Put on a Bus: Went back to Brazil to play soccer.
• Romantic False Lead

Coconut Head

Rob Pinkston

A kid with a bowl haircut.

• Butt Monkey
• Cloudcuckoolander: Somewhat
• Exactly What It Says on the Tin
• Only Known by Their Nickname

Martin Qwerly

Tylor Chase

A peppy overachiever and Motor Mouth

• Keet
• Meaningful Name: A play on the words "smart 'n' squirrely", which he is indeed.
  • Lampshaded in his first appearance, where Ned provides Martin as an example of a "smart 'n' squirrely" project partner.
• Motor Mouth: To the point where Ned can replace himself with a cardboard cutout and Martin will still go on for a couple hours. Often accompanied by a Leitmotif.
• Punny Name: See Meaningful Name

Backpack Boy

Kendre Berry

A boy whose always wearing a backpack, and has a wide collection of them for any occasion.

• Bag of Holding: His specialty.
• Beta Couple: To Lisa/Cookie and Ned/Moze with Claire.
• Everyone Calls Him "Barkeep"
• Only Known by Their Nickname

Claire Sawyer, Future Lawyer

Brooke Marie Bridges

A girl who plans on becoming a lawyer and thus plays lawyer to the main and side characters on numerous occasions.

• Beta Couple: With Backpack Boy
• Catch Phrase: "Claire Sawyer, Future Lawyer."
• Phrase Catcher: To her Catch Phrase, people always reply with, "Claire. We've known ya since pre-K."
• Running Gag: Whenever a character has a problem, she'll always appear, hand them a business card, and say her Catch Phrase.
  • Ironically the one time Ned deliberately called for her, she didn't appear right away. Ned had to actually shout her name for her to show up.
• The Stoic:

Backpack Boy gives Claire a valentine. Claire (With no expression): This is funny. Backpack Boy: But you're not laughing. Claire (Mad): Yes, I am.

The Huge Crew

A group of bullies who stalk Ned.

• The Bully
• Chuck Cunningham Syndrome: Season 3
• Unwanted Harem: To Ned.

Scoop

Vincent Martella

The school newshound and photographer.

• American Accents: Of the Joisey variety.
• Ensemble Darkhorse
• Large Ham
• School Newspaper Newshound

Faculty

Gordy

Darrin Norris

The school Day Janitor who helps the kids with their problems and is essentially a fourth member of the main trio.

• Almighty Janitor
• Bunny Ears Lawyer: Subverted/inverted in "The New Kid," where another janitor competes for Gordy's position. Gordy keeps the job... not because of his competence (the other janitor was in fact a lot better), but because he was shown to care more about the students than his competition did.
• Catch Phrase: "I'll let the night guy handle it"
• Hey, It's That Guy!/Hey, It's That Voice! (Darrin Norris has had some bit live-action roles like in Veronica Mars as well as voicing upwards of a third of the major Fairly Oddparents characters, among many other VA roles. He occasionally uses his voice talents in the show.)
• Man Child

Vice-Principal Crubbs

Hamilton Mitchell

The Vice Principal of the School who acts like a cop and hams it up.

• Catch Phrase: "{Insert action) or your fired!" or just "Your Fired!"
• Cool Shades: Spoofed in many ways, including by not limited to an over-the-top Glasses Pull.
• Jerkass
  • Jerk with a Heart of Gold
• Large Ham
• Tyrant Takes the Helm: Defied by Ned, Moze and Cookie. Dr. Wright gets promoted to principal instead.
• Obstructive Bureaucrat

Mr. Sweeney

Don Creech

The science teacher who is seen as a Sadist Teacher by most of the students.

• Cool Old Guy: On a good day.
• Cool Shades: He keeps a spare in his pocket.
• Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Can be mean, cranky and harsh but overall is a nice, caring teacher who just wants his students to succeed.
• Mad Scientist: In Ned's mind, anyway.
• Pet the Dog: Sometimes.
• Sadist Teacher: Appears to be this, and actually is sometimes, but all in all, is a good (if somewhat stern) teacher.

Mr./Dr. Wright

Meshach Taylor

The season 2 history teacher and Season 3 principal after Principal Pal retires

• Benevolent Boss: School-environment counterpart as the principal in Season 3.
• Extreme Doormat:After initially becoming principal towards Principal Pal.
• Hey, It's That Guy!: As Anthony in Designing Women, he's one of the few actors involved in Ned's that had a major TV role prior to it.
• Reasonable Authority Figure

Mr. Chopsaw

Dave Florek

The Woodshop Teacher and Moze's mentor.

• Badass Grandpa
• Cool Old Guy
• Theme Naming

iTeacher

Mo Collins

A teacher who uses a computer to teach math from home.

• Hilarious in Hindsight: Appeared long before iCarly ever existed.
• Sadist Teacher: At first, but it turns out it was a sort of Jerkass Facade so she wouldn't be scared of her students from that year on. Ironically, it had the opposite effect until she loosened up.

Mr. Monroe

Jim J. Bullock

The flamboyant Life Science and Health teacher, as well as editor of the school newspaper.

• Ambiguously Gay
• Cool Teacher: Tries to be this, and occasionally succeeds.
• Demoted to Extra: After Season 1, where he was a regular who seemed to fill the Reasonable Authority Figure role. He was apparently Put on a Bus in Season 2 (although it surprisingly wasn't mentioned at all), but this was lampshaded upon his brief return for a couple episodes of Season 3.
• Nice Guy

Lunch Lady Rose

Loni Love

The school lunch lady who can see the future in beans.

• Catch Phrase: "It's in the BEANS."
• Cassandra Truth: Every prediction she makes comes true, no matter how ridiculous.
  • She said Cookie would get creamed, mashed, and black eyed. At the end of the episode, he got all those types of things...but they were food instead.
• Cool Old Lady
• Sassy Black Woman

Principal Irving Pal

John Bliss

The school's principal, who later becomes the school history teacher after he retires from being the principal.

• Bunny Ears Lawyer: he's actually not a bad teacher or principal, he just retired from the latter due to his age.
• Cool Old Guy
• Cloudcuckoolander
• Expy: of Dumbledore
• Ten-Minute Retirement: Is formally retired from his position for an episode before becoming the history teacher.

Mrs. Nap

The former history teacher. Retires later and is replaced by Principal Pal.

• Meaningful Name: She sleeps. A lot.
• Lazy Bum: Not only is she always sleeping, but when told to retire her first instinct is to shout "Thank Heavens! I'm outta here!" and bolt through the door.
• Senior Sleep Cycle