Riff Trax/Funny

Since Riff Trax is essentially an Uncanceled Mystery Science Theater 3000 with the same cast as the later years of that show, funny moments are almost entirely guaranteed.

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Batman Forever

• This one's notable for being done not by the usual group, but by Doug Walker, his brother Rob, and Brian Hines, with plenty of good lines including the following:
• "Everytime I meet a guy, he's either gay or Batman." "Sometimes both!"
• "Harvey, you need help." "Yes, listen to the man in the Bat suit."
  • Doubles as a Shout-Out to The Critic's review of Batman and Robin.
• "Why is no one undressing Comissioner Gordon with their eyes?"

Later: "I wonder what Commissioner Gordon is wearing right now..."

• "How do you sneak acid into a court house?" "And isn't it a conflict of interest to have Batman on the jury?"
• "Ronita, Roberto, and Robespierre" "And I'm Dick!"
• "I'm Batman!" "I'm Batman!" "I'm Batman!" "I'm Batman, and so's my wife!"
• "In honor of the Graysons, send in the clowns..." (scene changes to outside Wayne Manor) "...Aaand a horse humping a rock. Way to ruin the moment, thank you Joel Schumacher."
• [After Batman is buried under a pile of sand] And to add insult to injury, Catwoman will now take a dump on him.
• "Is this a robin?" "No, it's a helmet, you dumbass."
• "I shall be the Green Lightbulb!"
• This:

Two-Face: "Heads, we accept, and tails, we blow your damn head off!" (throws coin into the air) Doug, Rob & Brian: "TAILS! TAILS! TAILS!"

• "Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank, they're not."
• "Oh God, they're not even trying anymore." "Even the Electric Mayhem wasn't this electric." "Looks like board game night at Elton John's house."
• "Tell me your fantasies." "Oh. Oh, that's just nasty." "Tell me your secrets." "Oh, ew, with a kumquat?"
• "I'm going to tell her... everything." "Even the sex change." "What?" "Nothing!"
• "Which one should I steal? Adam West, Michael Keaton... Clooney? What the...?"
• "Wayne Manor..." "...he killed how many prostitutes this time?"
• "Trick or treat!" "I'll unleash the hounds."
• "This is the douchiest way to do your laundry ever."
• "Mom, why are we walking through David Lynch's brain? It's so foggy and scary and empty in here!"
  • "Hey, look, the first Batman movie is on!" "Have you ever frolicked with a fox in a flickering fire? ...no, wait, that's terrible; wait there, kid, I got a couple more I want to try..."
• "It's happening again..." "I'll have Alfred get the rubber pants."
• [in a campy, lisping voice] Hi! This is Joel Schumacher. Allow me to explain this sudden change in style, location, and lighting.... I'm a bad director. The explanation is over.
• (On the Riddler's light-up suit) "Guess where he hid the battery."
• (In response to a close-up of a very... unfortunate... place...)"Why is there a zipper there?!"
• (After Batman enters Riddler's very cheesy lair) Ugh... I miss the Joker.
• "Hey, it's Two and A Half Men."
• "Edward Nigma has been screaming for hours that he knows the true identity of Batman." "Who is this 'Adam West' he speaks of?"
• "Uh... are they holding hands? "There's nothing ambiguous about it anymore..."
• "Tommy Lee Jones IS Billy Dee Williams IN the role Aaron Eckhardt made famous!"
• "I think Commissoner Gordon has entered his second childhood." "Hee hee hee, hahaha! I WANT COTTON CANDY! I WANT A CANDY APPLE! BRUCE, GET ME SOME COTTON CANDY!"
• The Running Gag about the Dawson Casting of Dick. "I'm 15, really" "Oh God, I'm an orphan. A 28-year-old orphan" "I wish I was never legally made your ward at the age of 34"
• "I gotta save that booty, and Dr. Meridian."
• "HI! I'M YOUR DESTINY!"
• "Who is it?" "CABLE GUY!"
• "Let's go clubbing!" "NO MORE PUNS!"
• "So Gotham has a Statue of Liberty, too?" "Actually the Joker stole it, during that brief partnership with Carmen San Diego."
• "Message for you, sir."
• "If I was a superhero, WHERE would I HIDE?" "The closet, of course!"
• (After hearing some cartoon sound effects when the Riddler is walking) "Jim Carrey's crotch has many sound effects!"
• "I knew it, Bruce Wayne is Spider-Man!"
• "Why Alfred, YOU'RE Batman?"
• "It's just you and me, Skeltor!" "I will destroy you, He-Boy!"
• "I think this letter writer is a total Whacko..." "No, I'M Wakko! Baton Rouge Louisiana, Indianapolis Indiana, and Columbus is the capitol of Ohio..."

Batman And Robin

• A choice selection can be found here. But for specifics...

Mr. Freeze: I hate it when people talk during the movie! Bill: Uh, hey guys, can he hear us? Mike: Could be worse...he used to be able to see us, too. Bill: Good point.

• • I'm George Clooney and I'm...sorry.

Robin: I want a car! Mike: I gave you a bus pass; wasn't that good enough? Robin: Chicks dig the car! Batman: This is why Superman works alone. Bill: Actually it's because of his crippling Asperger's Syndrome.

• • "Sorry we didn't get there in time to prevent the murder of thousands, Commissioner Gordon! We were waiting for the car to slowly spiral out of the floor!"
  • "The ice-man cometh!" "The audience goeth!"
  • "So where did [Mr. Freeze] get these guys, anyway? Was there an ad that said, "WANTED: THUGS. Must Be Skilled in Hockey and Stunt Skating. Obedience Required — Enthusiasm A Plus!"?

Mike: (during the opening Lock and Load Montage) You didn't accidentally rent Butt-Man & Robin, did you? Kevin: Come on, Mike; I wouldn't make that mistake a third time!

• • And thus ends the Greek artifact / dinosaur / big freaking diamond exhibit.

Poison Ivy: First...I'll rid myself of the fur and feathered pests... Bill: She's gonna bomb AnthroCon?

Mad Scientist: I have created viaducts into the most primitive part of his brain -- Mike: The gonads!

• • "PHYSICS!"

Poison Ivy: I am Nature’s arm! Her spirit! *crash* Her will! *crash* Bill: Her PMS!

• About Mr. Freeze's pointy-mobile:

Kevin: It looks like a Dalek that went to Hot Topic.

• (Frozen phonebooth) "NO! Not the TARDIS!!!
• Don't forget this little exchange:

Kevin: Okay, spiky gloves? Bill: Check. Kevin: Impractical heels? Bill: Check. Kevin: Gorgeous ass? Bill: Check. Kevin: And of course, the rubber nipp--hey! Bill: Booo...Double Standard!

• "Quick Robin, he's heading into Narnia!" "We're seeing the clouds of cocaine that fueled the script-writing session behind this movie."
• "Bat Skates, Bat Bombs, what's next, Shark Repellant?"
• Also, this bit:

Bruce: Is it always my way or the highway? Alfred: Why yes, actually. Bill: PWNED! Mike: Uh, actually, you don't pronounce the P, it's just "Owned". Bill: ...And how do you know that, Mike? Mike: I-I was guessing... Bill: Yeah right! NERD! (laughs) PWNED! Mike: Okay, now you're just doing that on purpose!

• "Uh oh, they're gonna start humping the aquarium..."
• At the auction:

Poison Ivy: Some lucky boy's about to hit the honeypot. Bill: Oh bother!

• "Yes! Now to fulfill my lifelong dream of shooting a man into space and forcing him to watch really bad movies!"

Kevin: (as the rocket smashes through the museum's skylight) If you want to view paradise~

• We simply can't forget this little homage after Bane is first created: "Now we'll put boxing gloves on his hands, sit him in front of a computer and force him to answer emails!"

The Dark Knight

• (Alfred enters a shipping crate to get to the new Batman lair)

Kevin: (as Alfred) Mr. Nolte, your morning litre of drug store vodka sir. Mike: (as Nick Nolte, in a deep gravely voice) Just put it next to my early morning litre of drug store vodka... Kevin: (as Alfred) The empty one sir? Mike: (as Nolte) Yeah, you got it. Bill: Nick Nolte sounds like Batman! (Mike and Kevin laugh) Mike: .... You don't think?... (all gasp)

• Jokes made at the expense of Aaron Eckhart's "chin ass."

"His chin ass is obscene!" "Bet his chin butt raises food safety issues." "His hatchet-jaw easily cuts through the thickest crowds."

• During Batman's Hong Kong mission: "A hostage situation has developed at Nakatomi Plaza."
• "Judge Grandma, serves brownies and justice piping hot."
• Bruce Wayne knocks out Harvey Dent:

Rachel: What are you doing? Bill: He's mine, damn it!

• When Bruce Wayne encounters one of Joker's thugs:

Joker Mook: Hands up, pretty boy! Bill (as Bruce takes down the Mook): Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!

• "Then you're gonna love me... people say I have a puckish sense of feistiness that's irresistible."
• Bill's overjoyed exclamation of Krankor! when the Joker's sarcastic laughter interrupts the mob meeting.
• From Batman's interrogation of Maroni:

Batman: "SOMEONE KNOWS WHERE HE IS!" Bill: "RAWR!"

• When Harvey claims to be Batman:

Kevin: "Don't act so surprised, after all that was part of his campaign slogan." Mike: "And what did you think the 'B' in Harvey B. Dent stood for? Milhouse?"

• During the street chase:

"What the hell is that?" "It's a windshield, Bob!" As the Tumbler smashes through a wall: "OH YEAH!"

• The RT crew chuckling during Batman's "WHERE ARE THEY!?" screams as they literally feel the effects of Narm. Results in a running gag throughout the rest of the commentary.

"You ever wonder if Batman ever gets lost on the road and has to ask On-Star 'WHERE ARE THEY!?'" When Harvey Dent wakes up in the warehouse: "I wonder if he's thinking 'WHERE AM I?'"

• "...and I won't kill you, because I liked you in Newsies."
• The Joker explaining his madness:

Joker: Do you know why I use a knife? Mike (as Joker): Because soup tastes better when it's difficult.

• When the Joker slides down that massive mountain of moolah:

Bill: He's the first non-duck to amass enough wealth to do that.

• The annual Police vs. Firemen softball ends horribly again.
• When the title appears at the end, and the trio presumes the movie was filmed backwards, wondering what kind of crazy director would film their movie backwards...
• The Movie Referee.

Harvey: "...You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain." [Whistle!] Bill: "Foreshadowing penalty; clumsy sentence; seating plot point; makes no sense; fifteen yards; repeat third down."

• During the scene with Rachel and Harvey tied up.

(Close up on the bomb countdown.)) Rachel: "Harvey, calm down." Will counting down from forty help?"

• • Also:

Rachel: Can anybody hear me?! Kevin: For the last time, NO!

• "During the scene on the ferries:

Passenger (a woman with dreadlocks): Go ahead, do it! Mike: Ms. Cleo commands you!

General

• The Harry Potter series as a whole has a long Running Gag of referring to Hogwarts as a Satan-worshipping Death Trap, given all the accidents, attacks, teachers being evil, etc.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

• After Hagrid breaks down the door

Bill: Bonesaw is ready....to be the father you never had

• "His jammies show that he means business."
• "And standing in for Dumbledore is the embalmed corpse of Dumbledore."
• "Now shut up and kiss me." Made even funnier by Bill's pitch-perfect Alan Rickman impersonation.
• "Somewhere out there, beneath the paaaale moonliiiight..."
• After Hermione cast a full body-bind curse on Neville

"Anyone else want to be a hero?"

• Mike: WE DON'T NEED NO wizard EDUCATION!
• Upon meeting Hagrid:

Harry: Excuse me... Bill: Could you please kill these horrible people?

• Bill: Gringotts spelled backwards is "Sttognirg"!
• The first Quidditch match:

Kevin: On my signal, untether Purgatory!

• When McGonagall turns from cat to human in the classroom:

Mike: Mrowrning, class!

• "Join us, son... join ussss..."
• Draco summoning his broomstick:

Mike: Sieg heil--I mean, up!

• Quirrell: TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!
  Kevin: Troll in the dungeon and pumpkins in the sky!
  Mike: More like "gin in the teacher."
• During the life-size wizard chess game:

Ron: The queen will take me. Bill: A phrase uttered nightly by George Michael.

• During the Finger-Poke of Doom scene:

Kevin: (as Voldemort's face) "What's going on? Are we winning? What's that smell?"

• When Hermione is moping in the restroom

Bill: It's never a good sign when you leave the stall crying.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

• "Bet you can't guess how drunk we are!"
• "Ron! Fred! George!" "Ringo!"
• When Harry is escaping from the window

Mike (as Uncle Vernon): * gasp* Bacon sandwiches, is that you? ... Mike: Pork where you are, in the name of gravy! Kevin: (falling out the window) Tell sausage I love iiiiiit!

• On Gilderoy Lockhart's introduction:

Mike: Yes, treat your family and friends to the flavor of traditional Northern Irish ham.

• "Charlotte's funeral service just let out."
• Upon finding Mrs. Norris petrified:

Filch: You've murdered my cat. Mike: You shall become my new cat.

• (on Harry speaking parseltongue) "I believe that translates to "Watch out for snakes."
• The disclaimers about Quidditch:

Mike: Quidditch: it's like the WNBA divided by curling! Kevin: Quidditch: it's what your wife sees when you make her watch baseball! Bill: Quidditch: there's actually videos of people trying to play it on Youtube! Bill: Quidditch: take NASCAR, subtract the drunks, sunburn, and Confederate flags, but yet still somehow make it much, much worse.

• (of Malfoy) "Boy, is my face punchable!"
• When Snape hurls Lockhart to the ground during the duel session:

Hermione: Do you think he's all right? Ron: Who cares? Mike: I came for blood!

• Harry, Ron, and Hermione run into Harry's room to find everything messed up.

Mike: (as Hedwig, perched nonchalantly on the nightstand) Okay, I did it. I was bored. Hoo.

• "Check, pleeease."
  • "For God's sake, CHEEEEECK."
• "The Justice League of Hogwarts answers the call!"
• As Harry flails wildly with his sword during the battle with the basilisk.

Mike: (laughs) Nice sword work, Harry. Skip fencing, too, I see. Kevin: Oh no, he went, but his instructor was Mr. Bean.

• As Harry stabs the diary Horcrux:

Kevin: (as Tom Riddle) Ooh, when I turned myself into a book, I never imagined for a moment that books could be damaged. Bill: I should have laminated myself!

• "Sweep the leg, Draco."
• Any time any of the riffers mimic's Dumbledore's wheezing.
• Commentary on the general cruelty of the wizarding world, such as

McGonagall: "Today we will be transforming animals into water-goblets." Kevin: "Why? Because we can! Mwehehehehe!"

• On the enchanted diary:

Bill: "Buy the new bestseller by Tom Clancy, "Dangerous Fearful Danger." It will literally BLOW UP YOUR HOUSE!"

• Dumbledore: [Raspy] In the past few hours...

*WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE* "Did he just die right there?"

• Dumbledore: "All exams have been canceled."

Bill: "Head out into the world as the uneducated rabble that you are, see if I give a tin-shilling. That's right, whoop it up. You RETARDS!"

• Harry opening the snake door with Parseltongue:

Mike: For God--you just said "Door the open!" Your snake is terrible! Kevin: You know, we had a screen door just like this at our cabin, my mom must have told me a hundred times, "Don't slam the (makes Parseltongue sounds)!"

• The endless round of applause that closes the film is taken to its logical conclusion: the whole hall has been cursed to applaud for eternity, or at least until their deaths.
• After Hermione freezes the pixies Lockhart let loose:

Neville: (hanging from the chandelier by the collar of his shirt) Why is it always me? Mike: Biddle-ee-bink-dee-bink, boing! And now can we PLEASE HAVE A STORY?!

• Ron's curse:

Ron: Eat slugs! Mike: Magic words: they're Latin except when they're not.

• About Moaning Myrtle:

Bill: It's Harry in a wig, isn't it?

• After the spider scene:

Harry: "Hagrid didn't open the Chamber of Secrets. He was innocent." Mike: "We have the word of a hideously giant spider that tried to eat us and that's good enough for me."

• "I'm a faucet, I actually don't understand any language."
• Hagrid: "The owl carrying my release papers got all lost and confused..."

Bill: "Accidentally released a half-a-dozen unrepentent serial killers instead."

Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban

• "If you bring me flesh I will do your bidding."
• "Hermione casts the 'give Ron a boner' spell."
• Mike's Dementor song.
• The whole song scene, but especially Bill's riff on the toad at the end.
• Bill: [as a student] Aw, were going to have so much fun! Which classes are you taking- AAAH MY SOUL!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
• The boggart scene.

Lupin: Picture your grandmother's clothes, only her clothes. Mike: Now imagine them crumpled in the corner of my bedroom, hehehe.

• The truth comes out:

Hermione: (pointing at Lupin) He's a werewolf! That's why he's missing classes! Mike: (as Lupin) Well, I'm a werewolf who smokes a lot of dope, and that's why I've been missing classes.

• When bowing to Buckbeak:

Hagrid: Nice and low... Mike: OH GOD, not THAT low!

• After Hermione punches Malfoy:

Hermione: That felt good. Ron: Not good: BRILLIANT! Bill: Yes, truly a masterful work of genius. Compared to you, Goethe was a moron. Next to your punching Malfoy in the nose, Bach's cello suites are like a small pool of vomit!

• Lupin: I've looked worse; believe me.
  Mike: I don't; sorry.
• During a shot of Sirius in prison:

Kevin (as Sirius): I'm gonna get out of here, change my name to Gordon, and commission!

• Mike's mix of the Dementors and Oompa-Loompas.

Mike (quietly and sinisterly): E-vil, E-vil, Learn to be E-vil, Evil is fun and Doompity-Doo...

• While Harry is flying on Buckbeak: "Meanwhile, sitting at home in his underwear, surrounded by empty beer cans, the kid who played Eragon hurls a whisky bottle at his TV."
• Comments on the horrifically dangerous Quidditch match:

"Ah, so you need parent's permission to visit the local tea shop but Quidditch? The less parents know the better."

Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire

• When Cedric Diggory (played by Robert Pattinson) shows up the first time:

Mike:"Ahh! Undead!" Bill:"Quick! Fall in love with it! Ahh!" Kevin:"Make that love codependent and brooding! Ahh!" Mike:"I'm very mumbly and pause-filled! Ahhhhhhhhhh!"

• [Moody transforms Draco into a ferret]

Moody: I'll teach you to curse someone while their back is turned! Mike: By cursing you while your back is turned.

• After the ferret episode:

Malfoy: "My father will hear of this!" Kevin: "Yeah, when he sees the headline "Douche Humiliated"."

• "CSI: Burwick-Upon-Tweed"
• Bill (as Dumbledore): "I will now fight the big lady to the death!"
• As Moaning Myrtle flirts shamelessly with a bathing Harry:

Harry: "Myrtle..." Bill: "Why aren't you in Hell?"

• Bill: "The collective might of the Wizarding World is helpless against six bad guys."
• David Tenant appears on screen:

Kevin: Hey, it's Doctor... Uh... Mike: Who. Kevin: I'm trying to remember, give me a second.

• Kevin's interpretation of Roger Lloyd Pack's appearance of Barty Crouch Sr. looking like Hitler and then proceeding to act as such.

Barty Crouch Sr.: The rules are absolute Kevin: WE MUST ANNEX DAS SUDETENLAND!!! Barty Crouch Sr.: The Goblet of Fire constitutes a binding magical contract. Kevin: Like the Munich Agreement Barty Crouch Sr.: Mr. Potter has no choice! He is...as of tonight... Kevin: OUR NEW FUHRER!!!

• Cedric Diggory's memorial service

Dumbledore: I think therefore you have the right to know how he died. Mike: Let's see, he was zapped by a fat, bucked-toothed man holding an evil baby.

• Alastor Moody's first Defense Against the Dark Art's Class

Alastor Moody:YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP AGAINST, YOU NEED TO BE PREPARED... Mike: YOU NEED TO OVERACT, YOU NEED TO PUSH.THE LIMITS.OF HAMINESS!!!

• Before the second task

Bill: Longbottom's transformation into Oscar Wilde is right on schedule. Mike: There's a schedule for that does it? Bill: Very rigorous.

• When Harry is having a nightmare (he's lying in bed, eyes closed, sweating and shifting):

Mike: I get it, he's lonely! We don't need to see how he deals with it!

• During Moody's class on the Unforgivable Curses:

Moody: Give us a curse. Bill (as Ron): Uh...Sugartits?

Harry Potter And The Order of the Phoenix

• Dumbledore: Albus... Percival... Wulfric... Brian... Dumbledore.

Kevin: The third... Esquire... Jr.......Mrs.

• [During Fudge's press interview]

Fudge: The Ministry of Magic is pleased to announce the appointment of Dolores Jane Umbridge as High Inquisitor, to address the falling standards at Hogwarts School. Having already revolutionized the teaching of Defense Against the Dark Arts- Bill: Yes, but what about the rumors of gas shortages? Kevin: Mr. Minister do you have a comment on the wizard genocide in Africa? Mike: [as Fudge] Please keep all questions to the matter of staffing the local boarding school.

• Mike: The Floo Network, it's like The Food Network but instead of cooking it's people shivering and running to the bathroom.
• [In Dumbledore's office]

Harry: LOOK AT ME! Bill: A phrase that sums up the life of Paris Hilton. Harry: What's happening to me? Kevin: A phrase that sums up the life of Lindsay Lohan.

• [After the climatic battle in the Ministry of Magic]

Mike: [as Dumbledore] So Harry, how are your classes going?

• "Good morning, evil grandma!"
• This bit:

Ron: Who are you and what have you done with Hermione Granger? Mike: I AM THE DEMON BELTHAGORE!!! Wha - whoops! I mean - I mean no one! Nothing!

• They have a lot of fun with Luna Lovegood.

Mike: "Cold is just a state of mind, like happiness, or penguins."

• • "If the kitchens ever ran out of pudding, I'd kill everyone in the school."
  • "I only eat moonbeams."
• As Harry enters Umbridge's office:

Mike: (as a kitten plate) "Hi. Welcome to Hell."

• Harry puts on his glasses

Mike:(As Harry) Dumbledore, shouldn't we have a spell that fixes eyesight? It seems like that... Kevin: MORE CHOCOLATE FROGS AND BOOGER FLAVORED JELLY BEANS!

• "And somewhere on the internet a new fanfic pairing is born"
• "Sometimes you just need a good burp to get out the Dark Lord"
• When Fred and George suddenly aparate right next to Harry:

Kevin: "Gah! Avada Kedavra!"

• A small, but great bit comes when they suddenly have Umbridge hiss at Fred and George.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

• Hermoine: "If I were you, when he's around, I'd keep the snogging to a minimum."

Mike: "And stop wearing that shirt that says 'Doing Ron's sister.'"

• Dumbledore: "Harry do as I say."

Mike: "The Harry Potter series summed up in five words.

• Any time in the series Mike shows off his Snape impression but especially later in the series:

Snape: Retrieve . . your . . wand. 'Mike: (as Snape): And . . do it . . quickly.

• • "Dragon.........balls?"
• "Luna Lovegood: really just a good old fashioned stoner."

Raiders of the Lost Ark

• A lot of it can be found here.
  • "Gestapo Pizza!"
  • "They've seig-heil'd so many times, the words have lost all meaning."
  • "The gasoline! What will power our Nazi go-karts?"
  • "Private Otto has burnt the bratwurscht again, shoot him!"
  • "The idol is mooning us with full cheek spread!"
  • "So it's one tug for I found it, two tugs for The mummy is real and absorbing my soul."
  • "Please, sir, that is our only horse!" "Cram it, Osama!" "That is our only means of bringing water to the village! Without him, we will all die, sir!"
    • "And thus, Al Qaeda is born."
  • "Indiana Jones, meet Dusseldorf Strauss!"
  • "Goinonbreaknowbye!"

Dietrich: I am uncomfortable with the thought of this Jewish ritual. Bill: I like my foreskin!

• • "The funeral of Gary Coleman was a sad affair."
  • During the bar fight: "Oh good, a... pirate".
  • "Forgive me, father, I killed, like, eight guys today...hey, kid! Get out of my confessional!" "This is our kitchen." "No, you're drunk!" "Daddy!"
  • "Its filled with Skittles!"
  • "Grandpa tried to light the grill again."
  • "Hey boss! Guess what? (THUD) I'm dead."
  • "All these people do is get stoned out of their gourd and laugh like the Predator!"
  • "Oh great, fanboys! Look, I've told you: I don't give a damn who shot first!"
  • *WHAM* "AAAAAAAAAAAG Ghh" "GO PACKERS!"
  • "Hitler, crazy? That's a reach."

Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

• As soon as the film starts, we get: "And we're back with Indiana Jones and the Goblet of Fire."
• The grand marshal of this year's gay pride parade, Shia LaBeouf!
• Man, that guy is begging for suicide by ent!
• On Cate Blanchett's accent:

Indy: You're not from around here, are you? Spalko: Where is it you would imagine I am from, Dr. Jones? Kevin Murphy: I'm guessing the Bullwinkle Show. Indy: Well, the way you're sinking your teeth into those wubble-u's, I should think maybe Eastern Ukraine. Mike Nelson: Hm, I was thinking Fake-istan.

• Sung to the classic Indiana Jones theme as Indy "runs" on top of crates escaping gunfire:

Bill: Here we go now! Really sloooow! Nearly limping! 'Cause he's old, old, old! Old, old, old, old, old, old oooooold!

• Any of the cracks the guys make about Oxley being insane and smelly.
• After the logic-and-physics raping "Nuke the fridge" scene, Kevin wisely observes: "Okay, I guess for the rest of the movie, Indy battles bone cancer."
• When Dr. freaking Jones pronounces the word "nuclear" as "nu-cue-ler", Kevin says: "Nu-cue-ler: you might as well put it in the dictionary!"
• After Indy pulls the classic (read: stupid) blowing-the-dart-back-at-the-native trick:

Bill: (as the native) Oh! Loading the darts in backwards was a poor decision!

The Fellowship of the Ring

• "Uh-oh. They've invented the tank--pack it in, boys."
• During Bilbo's eleventy-first birthday party:

Bilbo: I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. Mike: But I like half-and-half twice as much as whole milk and half as much as skim.

• When the Ringwraiths attack Bree:

Aragorn: I know what hunts you. Mike: And his name is Fudd.

• During Galadriel and Frodo's mirror conversation:

Galadriel: I know what you saw. Mike: You dirty little man.

• Gandalf's arrival:

Frodo: You're late. Mike: And you're short, but tomorrow I'll wake up and I won't be late anymore.

• This exchange:

Saruman: Your love of the halfling's leaf has clearly slowed your mind. Bill (in a stoner voice): So I like to wake and bake, what of it, man?

• During a sweeping shot of The Shire:

Mike: You should see that place now...hobbit massage parlors, tacky billboards, little hobbit streetwalkers with shaved feet...

• Gandalf: Bilbo...the ring is still in your pocket.
  Mike: Along with two pistachio shells, a breadbag tie, and some lint. HA HA, you see, I'm magic!
• Legolas' first appearance:

Mike: And all the teen girls say "He's a boy, but he looks like me and he's safe! I love him!"

• Kevin, at the very beginning, talking about how rapt with anticipation he is to see one of his favorite characters of all time - Tom Bombadil, perpetrator of the novel's infamous Big Lipped Alligator Moment who was never at any stage of production to be included in the film.
• One of Disembaudio's sync lines, delivered in a complete monotone: "You. Shall not. Pass."

The Two Towers

• "They're gonna mess with the Rohan?!"
• The first time Frodo and Sam meet Gollum, and Gollum throws himself onto Frodo:

Mike: Any girl whose ever worn a Sailor Moon costume at Comic Con knows exactly how he feels.

• When Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli meet the exiled Riders of Rohan:

Eomer: What business do a man, an elf, and a dwarf have in the Riddermark? Mike: And shouldn't you be walking into a bar somewhere?

• Turning "Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew" into a Stupid Statement Dance Mix.
• (As the Elves enter Helm's Deep) "Hey, can you point the way to Thermopylae?"
• "And his tombstone will be on a post-apocalyptic college campus."
• Before the Battle of Helm's Deep:

All (as orcs stomping their spears, in unison): Ow my foot. Ow my foot. Ow my foot.

• • Similarly, as Haldir's elves prepare for battle:

All: (turning) Hey, look over there. (placing swords on ground) Boy, don't these things get heavy.

• Again, before the Battle of Helm's Deep:

Mike (singing): And all the little orcs are marching, red and black helmets waving... Kevin: Uh, Mike, what did I tell you about singing Dave Matthews? Mike: Oh, uuuh...you know what? I wrote it down, hang on. "If I ever sung him in your presence, I would find my head rolling down a filthy alley and...wow."

• "I don't know, but I been told...Orc strong, but they not smart."
  • "Who leader of club made for you and me? Orc can't spell, but it Mickey Mouse."
• About the aftermath of the impending battle:

Theoden: Crops can be regrown. Homes rebuilt." Mike: Cows recowed!

• Aragorn returns:

Legolas: You look terrible. Mike: Terrib-ly rugged and sexy, right?

• To Faramir:

Sam: Will you not help him? Mike: Yes, I will not.

• Theodred's death:

Bill: The death of Hanson. Kevin: Which one? Bill: The one that looked like a girl and then turned ugly. Kevin: Again, which one?

• The impaled Uruk head's possible last words:

Bill: Hey, throw me a grape, I'll catch it in my mouth...what's that? ...Look out for what behind me?

• At the Wargs of Isengard attacking the Rohirrim: "They smell bacon!"

The Matrix Trilogy

The Matrix:

• When Mr. Anderson is being admonished by his boss:

Boss: You have a problem with authority-- Bill: No I don't! Go to hell!

• When he's fleeing the Agents for the first time:

Mr. Anderson: This is insane...! Kevin: No no, the next two movies are insane; this one was somewhat rational.

• When Mr. Anderson gets his mouth sealed shut:

Mike: Amazing it doesn't impair his acting talent. Bill: Oh, no! I have more to shave!

• "We melt down Terminators to make our mirrors.
• "I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT!!! Short and stout."
• During the scene where Morpheus explains The Matrix to Neo:

Morpheus: How did I beat you? Kevin: Quite soundly, thank you. Morpheus: You think that's air your breathing? Mike: Its wild rice.

• Trying to discuss what The Matrix is...

Mike: Okay, okay, so let me see if I understand The Matrix now... Kevin: Okay, give it a try. Mike: Uh...we all started shaved, and punctured, and immersed in pods full of KY... Kevin: Right. Mike: And we live in a bland, unsatisfying dream world...that's Linux-based... Kevin: Uh-huh... Mike: And Larry Fishburne offers us drugs and rids our body of shrimp... Kevin: Right. Mike: And we pull the tendril timer out of our skull, put on greasy clothes, and head right back into the dream world! Kevin: I think you got it! Mike: Hey~! I know "What is The Matrix?"! Kevin: That's The Matrix!

• "Okay, so weaponry, travel, computers, they're still super-advanced...but pornography, of all things, is still stuck in The Fifties?
• "And when you eat your Smarties, do you eat the red ones last? Do you suck them very slowly, do you crunch them very fast?"

The Matrix Reloaded:

• Their introduction:

Mike: Before your favorite franchises were afflicted with "Godfather's Syndrome" and let you down with number three in the trilogy... Bill: Terminator! Kevin: X-Men! Bill: Shrek! Kevin: Spider-Man! Bill: Pirates of the Caribbean! Mike: ...The Matrix was there, boldly flaunting convention, and sucking in Part Two!

• "TETSUO!!!"

Trinity: (on the phone) I'm in. Kevin: (mimicking a typical dudey pizza delivery guy) You want what on your pizza?

• "The passionate dialog crackles with Anakinian lust!"

Trinity: What is it? Neo: ...I don't know. Mike: (chuckles) A tower of insight, this one.

• Link is returning home to his wife

Link: Where's my puss... [realizes that children are in the room] Link: Eeeeeeeey... [The riffers chuckle] Cas:: C'mon kids, time to go. Mike: [as the kids]: But we wanna help Uncle Link find his cat!

• During the infamous dance scene/sex scene

Kevin Murphy: This has now lasted longer than the Orthodox wedding scene in The Deer Hunter.

... [Later]

Kevin Murphy: Okay, now it's lasted longer than the entirety of The Deer Hunter.

• When Smith starts cloning himself:

Bane: Oh god! Agent Smith: Smith will suffice. Mike: (imitating Smith) I love it when they set me up like that! Kevin: I think he likes the zinging almost as much as the killing. (Bane's mutation into an Agent Smith clone is complete) Mike and Kevin: (both imitating Smith) My god, you're handsome! Thank you. Okay, knock it off!

• "Father Reeves, Action Priest!"
• "Pop goes the Agent~!"
• "Big deal; Jackie Chan did this stuff drunk."

Smith: Perhaps some part of you imprinted onto me, some part overwritten or copied...It is at this point irrelevant." Bill: (imitating Smith) We'll fill it in in a later rewrite, whoops."

• The ten-second chorus of "Mr. Anderson" from Mike, Kevin, and Bill upon the arrival of all the Mr Smith clones.
• This exchange:

Kevin: So the nature of the universe is a date rape drug slipped to us by some pervy frog? Mike: I want a new universe!

• "The St. Valentine's Day Mass...ive failure!"
• During the big fight in the parlor:

Mike: Uh oh, guys. I...I just had a horrible thought, and I need to share it... Bill: Aw, you really need to, strictly-- Mike: Here it is...I thought that it'd be nice to see a long Quidditch scene right now...(Kevin gasps)...or even, god help me, some pod-racing! (dissolves into anguished laughter) Bill: There, there, Mike... Kevin: It's okay, buddy. Bill: Damn it, Matrix: Reloaded! See what you've done to Mike?!

• • Later, during a slow-motion jump across the parlour:

Kevin: Huh. My thorazine's kicking in- do things seem slow to you right now? Bill: Nnnnnoootttt aaaat aaaaaaaall, Keeeeeeviiiiiiiin.

• During the highway chase scene:

Kevin: Ah~ a little car crash porn! Mike: David Cronenberg needed a cold shower after this scene.

• • Later:

Kevin: Just when David Cronenberg was lighting up a cigarette, relaxing, this starts him up all over again!

• • • And later still:

Mike: (chuckling) David Cronenberg will have to check into a hospital tonight; he's no spring chicken anymore! Kevin: You mean in terms of his stamina for masturbating repeatedly at slow footage of car crashes? Just to clarify? Mike: ...I didn't think we needed to be so on-the-nose about it there, Kevin, but, uh...yeah, okay.

• "Laurence Fishburne fires his agent!"
  • Along the same lines:

(a guy in a car gets hurt, who looks like...) "Will Ferrell!" (next glimpse of the man shows he's an agent now) "Will Ferrell's agent!"

• (sung to the tune of the Superman theme) "It's Keanu Reeves, he's going so fast~! It's Keanu Reeves, he's trailing some garbage~! It's Keanu, flying Keanu, going to save the hot chick and then smoke up a bowl~!"
• "The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! No, serious, people; I think the machines started it!"
• "Hey, you in the back, this is an anti-machine rally, quit doing the robot!"
• (Random black man jumps towards to screen) HI MOM!
• During Neo and Trinity's sex scene: (sing-songy) "Neo likes Trinity, Neo likes Trinity!"
• Pretty much every reaction to the Architect's long-winded speech:

Kevin: Words wordswordswords words…words words words. Mike: (whenever Neo asks a question) No, don't ask! Oh god, he's gonna go on for like ten minutes…No, don't encourage him! Bill: Well good, we're done, can we– (He starts talking again) Gah! The guy's like a parrot in a cracker factory. Kevin: That's right, folks, the ACTION FLICK OF THE SUMMER! Kevin: The instruction manual for my snow blower is gripping compared to this clown! Mike: Oh look, bite my nuggets, Colonel Sanders. Kevin: Look, Jack Perkins, could you sum up, my car's doubled-parked! Kevin: Our priority, the next film will be two solid hours of fighting robots. Bill: OH DEAR GOD, get off the screen! Kevin: Words words wordswordswords words words.

The Matrix Revolutions

• Lets get ready to RETCOOOONNN!!!
• During Smith's Villainous Breakdown:

Bill: He's having a total eclipse of the heart!

• • And then during his death:

All: (as the Smith clones are staring to explode, in unison): Turn aroouunnnnd, briiiiiiight eyyeess...

• Comenting on the music during the final battle:

Bill: I like to play this soundtrack when I mow the lawn, makes me mow the hell out the the lawn! Sometimes the lawn actually bursts into flames...

• "Lizard people... somehow responsible... must warn David Icke!"
• "Remember guys, these movies are philosophical."

"Yes, I actually do find myself drifting to thoughts of Socrates...IN that I want to drink hemlock and die."

• Counts as both a Genius Bonus and a Take That against a bit part played by Cornell West:

West: We can't treat this as a hopeless cause. Mike: Hey, the guy who voted for Ralph Nader has no right to talk about hopelessness.

• During Trinity's death scene:

Ow, ow, ow, OW! Ow, you're leaning on the poles that skewered my liver, OW! My god you have driven that one pole DEEPER IN MY LEFT VENTRICLE AND IT HURTS ABOUT FIVE TIMES AS MUCH! Apparently you didn't have the pleasure of KNEELING ON A POLE STICKING OUT OF MY LUNGS, AND YOU JUST HAD TO TRY, OW OW OW OH GOD OW OW!! And yet you still have your elbow PUSHING AGAINST THE THING THAT TORE MY SPINE OUT, AM I NOT BEING CLEAR?! It had nothing to do with you SITTING DIRECTLY ON MY SHATTERED PELVIS LIKE YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW!!!

Spider-Man 2

• "Whooo! Yay ledge!"
• "And her entire skeletal system was pulverized."
• "BOOOOOONESAW IS READY! To be left out of this picture, and feel really depressed about it. Seriously, BONESAW was seeing a therapist for a while. But now, BONESAW IS REAAADY... to get on with his life." (After he appears in the retelling of the first film during the opening credits.)
• Introducing the robotic arms.

Reporter: But Dr. Octavius, if the artificial intelligence of these arms is as advanced as you suggest, wouldn't that leave you vulnerable to them? Octavius: How right you are. Bill: KILL HER, ARMS!

• Bruce Campbell's cameo

Bruce: "And you might want to..." Mike: "...Be as awesome as me."

• When an image of Norman Osborn appears in the mirror.

Harry: "Dad, I thought you're..." Willem Dafoe: "I'm in art film hell."

Spider-Man 3

• During Harry and Peter's climactic fight:

Harry: I protected you in high school. Now I'm gonna kick your ass! Peter: Ooh! Bill: The five-minute follow up of them shouting "Oh yeah?" "Yeah!" was wisely cut for time.

• During the first Peter and Harry fight scene:

Harry: You knew this was coming, Pete! Kevin: I sent you an email about it!

• When Peter is trying to resuscitate the unconscious Harry:

Peter: HARRY! Kevin: I need you for the third act! Live, dammit, live!

• A wonderful bit of Crosses the Line Twice humor after Peter gets the symbiote suit:

Bill: He can jump really high and he now "gets" Tyler Perry.

• After Black Suit Spidey breaks Eddie's camera:

Eddie: What the hell?! Kevin: The pictures of my cat on an invisible bike!

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

• When Khan lifts Chekhov by his spacesuit

Mike: Chekhov, now with E-Z-Grip handle!

• On the rendering of the Genesis Effect

Mike: This is like we took the game Sim Earth, and remove anything fun and interesting from it. In other words, exactly like Sim Earth. Kevin: Rifftrax! Some two-decade-old computer games have it coming!

Star Trek: Generations

• "Onscreen." (A group of Klingons appear) "Aah! Offscreen! Offscreen!"
• Then there's that priceless moment when Bill asks about the female Klingons "Do you think we're seeing the only hairless part of their breasts?" and Mike can't help but scream.

Picard: Warp One, engage! Kevin: Go that way!

• "Romulan, Breen, and Klingon!" "Oh my!"
• "Doctor... Sauron..." "The Dark Lord?" "...Doctor Tarien Sauron..." "Oh, Doctor The Dark Lord."
• The scene opens on an 18th century frigate with the entire cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation wearing period appropriate naval uniforms.

Kevin Murphy: Okay, I might be jumping the gun here but this may be the dumbest-ass Star Trek movie ever made. Mike Nelson: Hm, you know what, that's easy enough to figure out, let me just get out my tricorder here, punch in a few settings, "beep", "beep, beep, beep", adjust for fluxating magnetic fields, "beep", "beep, beep", take a residual stupidity reading, "nee-re-re-re-re-re-re", Kevin I'm getting very high readings indeed, sir! Kevin Murphy: There must be emanations of asininity fouling your readings. Let me take my own, "click, click, buzz, whir, click". Yes, our data sets correspond, "click". Mike Nelson: Well, okay. There you have it: scientific proof that this is the dumbest-ass Star Trek movie ever made. Kevin Murphy: Click, buzz, whir. Mike Nelson: Nee-re-re-re-re-re-re.

• Interestingly, during Picard's tearful anguish over Renee and Robert's death, the crew become more or less silent and allow the scene to play through without mockery.
  • Which could be considered a Crowning Moment of Awesome for Patrick Stewart.

Star Trek (2009)

• "No one's gone here before! Permission to boldly go?"
• "And now: the haunting, lyrical, kind of Samuel Barber-ish 'Husband Killing' theme."
• "The Kelvin is also known as the USS Red Shirt."
• (Pretending to be baby Kirk:) "Wah... wahwah. Goo... googahgah."
• This exchange:

Sarek: (to young Spock) Emotions run deep within our race. Bill: No, they don't— GO TO HELL, Dad!

• About the Romulans:

Bill: There's a Blue Man Group missing a couple of drummers!

• During Kirk's academic cheating trial:

Kirk (to Spock): Let me ask you something I think we all know the answer to. Mike: Why did Heroes suck so bad after Season 1?

• As the inappropriate funk music kicks in at the end of Spock's refusal of the Vulcan Science Academy:

Kevin: Funky Spock! Funky Spock! Gimme some of that funky Spock! Uh!

• At the abrupt end of Kirk's trial:

Starfleet Academy Headmaster: I hereby order all cadets to report to Hanger 1 immediately. Dismissed. Mike: ...Oh, and Kirk, I sentence you to hang by the neck until dead. Bye!

• "She-Hulk is pleased!"
• On the bridge, where we meet...

Sulu (played by John Cho): I'm Hikaru Sulu. Mike (as George Takei): No, you're not.

• "AH!!!! We went to Detroit by accident!!!"
• "Has anyone seen my hamster?"
• When Nero introduces himself to the Enterprise:

Nero: Hi, Christopher. I'm Nero. Everyone (in AA-meeting-style voices): "Hi, Nero."

• On the drill landing scene:

Mike: So if I understand their plan correctly, it was: "Fall out of ship." Kevin: I think you gave it a lot more thought than they did.

• "Tell my bald wife and bald kids how bald I think they are!"
• After planet Vulcan is destroyed

McCoy: Damn it, man, I'm a doctor, not a physicist! Bill: No-no, more phlegm; let's hear those giant throat nodes and smoker's hack! Kevin: (extremely gravelly) Damn it, man, I'm a doctor, not a human grizzly bear! Bill: There you go!

• When Kirk gets ejected onto the ice-planet in an escape pod:

Kevin: Kirk is ejected along with a dog-eared copy of Twilight. Mike: Ah, they packed him toilet paper--that was thoughtful.

• "What the hell? Is that a tauntaun?! You guys marooned me in the wrong franchise, you idiots!"
• (in regards to the first appearance of Spock!Prime) "Alright, let's get this over with...Vulcan sign; 'Live Long and Prosper'; where's my check?"
• "It nice seeing the Creature from the Black Lagoon getting work again."
• When Kirk and Spock!Prime meet Scotty:

Scotty: I had a little debate with my instructor on the issue of relativistic physics and how it pertains to subspace travel. Bill: Meaning "I slept with his wife." A little later* Scotty: Are you from the future? Kevin: Yes, but we pronounce it: '"THE FUTURE!!!"'

• "Nobody knows when it's appropriate to do impressions of Spock roaring."
• As Scotty dries the insides of his ears, one of the trio makes a little squeaky sound.
• When Kirk sees Spock and Uhura making out:

Bill (as Kirk): I'm not sure which one I'm jealous of.

• Their faces don't look like OUR faces! SHOOT THEM!
• When the drill attacks San Francisco:

Kevin: It's the vengeful laser-ghost of Harvey Milk!

• "Well, I guess it's time to summon Lord Vader."
• "Master Splinter?...Raphael?...anybody?"
• "How many people are gonna choke me (Kirk) today?"
• "Backstreet's back, alright!"
• "Only one brave sperm penetrates the egg's outer wall. Brave little sperm!"
• When victory is achieved:

Mike (as Spock): Nice. Kevin (as Kirk): Nice. Bill (as Sulu): Nice. Mike (as Chekov): Neee-YIIIIIce.

• At the end:

Kirk: Scotty, how we doin'? Mike (as Scotty): Still Scottish and whimsical, sir!

• "Scotty and his wife have a weird relationship."

Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace

• The opening with Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan:

Qui-Gon: Be mindful of the living Force, young padawan. Obi-Wan: Yes, master. Mike: But the screenplay! I sense disaster!

• Any and all riffs pertaining to Jar Jar, but particularly when just resort to cursing him:

Jar Jar: We've no nuttin' moola to trade (or something stupid like that). Mike: Look, GO TO HELL.

• • And this one:

Jar Jar: WEESA GOIN HOOOOOOME! Kevin: Oh, do so COMPLETELY shut up.

• • Kevin actually vomits for five minutes while Jar-Jar talks.
  • One scene has an unfortunate angle of Jar-Jar as well, as Jar Jar swims away from the camera for a few minutes.

Mike: Ah, thank you for giving us an unhindered look at the business end of America's most loathed character.

• • And this surprisingly classy discussion of just how Jar-Jar annoys people:

Kevin: See, my opinion, the Jar-Jar thing isn't so inherently racist as it is more broadly offensive. Mike: Really? Kevin: Yeah, he's more annoying in a metaphysical sense. Mike: I see, so, he bugs your soul? Kevin: Actually, yes.

• This exchange:

Yoda: Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering. Mike: Um, Yoda, load of crap biggest ever heard I is that.

• • Also "Hey, Yoda, up the hell shut!"
• Mike's reaction to Captain Panaka's rapid Info Dump:

Mike: Wh-who's everyone? Resistance to what? Leaders of what? What's the Federation? What the HELL is going on!?

• This exchange:

Mike: Remember when Macbeth said that life was a tale told by an idiot? I actually think he meant to say Star Wars Episode One is a tale told by an idiot. Kevin: Must've been a misprint in the First Folio edition.

• [as a battle droid] "Rommel, you magnificent son of a bitch, I read your book."
• The Running Gag of Kevin mispronouncing the names of both Padme and Naboo. This eventually turns into a game of coming up with Star Wars names more horrible than the real ones, which they end up accomplishing in the middle of the climax.
• "Every fanboy's dream: take Natalie Portman to their room and show her their robot."
• On C-3PO meeting R2-D2:

Kevin: And so begins Hollywood's most enduring gay couple.

• On Jar Jar stealing food with his tongue.

Kevin: Stop tonguing my fruit!

Star Wars II: Attack Of The Clones

• This exchange:

Mike: R-4 is the Windows ME of the Astromech droids. Kevin: Form a nerdier sentence! No, don't try! You can't!

• This scene in the Greasy Spoon with the slovenly cook Dex:

Kevin: Mike, I invite you to think about that lizard guy's underpants. Mike: OH! (dry-heaving) OH! (gagging) WHY, Kevin?! Kevin: Hey, it took your mind off this whole thing for a minute, didn't it? Mike: You're right. Why, thank you, Kevin! Ah, That guy's underpants...

• When Anakin kisses Padme:

Chad Vader: Ah, he's using the Jedi Tongue Technique. His training is now complete.

• As C3PO and R2D2 watch their marriage.

Mike (as C3PO): Someday that will be you and me, R2, as soon as they get rid of that silly law.

• After one of the "wittier" lines:

Mike: The dialogue crackles like, uh, pudding!

• This exchange:

Mike: Uh, do we have any idea who's fighting who? Kevin: Yes, the director is fighting the audience, and the audience is fighting back. Mike: Ah. And who's winning? Chad Vader: Twentieth Century Fox.

• After Anakin finds his dead mother:

Yoda: Anakin is in pain...terrible pain... Mike: Hey, what about us, Muppet boy?! (Wipe Cut away) Mike: Hey, don't you wipe cut when I'm talking to you!

• Taking Padme's "I love the water" and turning it into a Running Gag. Example:

Padme: I love you. Mike: Not as much as the water.

• When Obi-Wan and Count Dooku fight:

Kevin: Nuclear silly-string!

• • Later...

Chad Vader: I'm a master of the lightsaber and even I'm bored. Let's get it on, people!

• The scene where they gush about Padme's bedroom. A description simply cannot do it justice.
• Kevin's opinion of the Romantic Plot Tumor:

(Shot of the Clone Army) Kevin: Have you ever seen something more of an affront to all that is holy?!? (Wipe Cut to Anakin and Padme having a picnic in a field.) Kevin: Except, you know, the last time we saw these two.

• And of course from this point forward through the remaining 4 movies (and Holiday Special), the Running Gag about how much Anakin/Vader hates sand.
• After a scene featuring much whining from Anakin (I forget which one)

Chad Vader: My brother was a puss.

Star Wars III: Revenge Of The Sith

• [During the scrolling letters]

Bill: Meanwhile, Vice Chancellor Ugga Bugga and Darth Buttcrack are rendezvousing on the planet Ovaltine, where the rebel leader B.B. Snausageberry is fighting the dreaded Cameltoeians. How's that? Mike: I think you've got the hang of this whole Lucas thing. Here, have TWENTY BILLION DOLLARS! Bill: Oh, much obliged.

• Kevin finally cracks during the space pod battle:

Kevin: Oh. Oh no. Tell me this movie won’t have Podracing will it. ‘Cause, ‘cause if so, Mike, I’ll pay yah good money to let me out of here now. I will sign the deed to my house over to you! Mike: Kevin, relax. Enjoy this long, long sequence coming up of Jar Jar Binks doing funny stuff. Kevin: (screams) No, no! Mike, please! Let me out! Seriously. I will kill all your enemies. Please! Mike: Here, breath into this paper bag.

• Continuing the gag of not caring about the battle scenes:

Bill: [during the opening Battle of Coruscant] Bad thing: I don't know who is fighting who, where, about what. Good thing: I don't care!

• This particular exchange after one of Yoda's, um... yeah:

Yoda: I hope right you are. Michael J. Nelson [as Yoda]: Or predicate will I put again before subject and gibberish shall I spout. Kevin Murphy: True that is, Mike. An idiot sounds he like. Bill Corbett: And yet by many sci-fi geeks beloved he is, though Muppet he is also, and tiring his use of anastrophe is. Michael J. Nelson: Also true that is. Annoying it very is. Off it pisses me.

• This exchange:

Mace Windu: I sense a plot to destroy the Jedi Mike: That's funny; we can't sense ANY plot whatsoever!

• This exchange:

Anakin: From my point of view, the Jedi are evil! Bill: From my point of view, a monkey wrote this script with his PENIS!

• As Mace Windu:

Bill: I have had it with these motherf**kin Sith on this motherf**kin planet!

• Any and all jabs at Hayden Christiansen's talent...or rather, lack thereof.

Bland?

• On Anakin's transformation into James Earl Jones:

Bill: He can't do it all at once, or it'll kill him! He's gotta work his way up the manly scale. First he turns into Lance Bass, then Rupert Everett-- Mike: --then Scott Stapp, David Duchovny, Wesley Snipes, Russell Crowe, Rosie O'Donnell, and THEN James Earl Jones.

• This exchange:

Palpatine: NO...no, no YOU WILL DIE! Bill: NO! I don't wanna go to tha big place!

• On Palpatine's last line following Anakin's becoming of a Sith lord:

Palpatine: ONCE MORE THE SITH WILL RUUUUUULE THE GALAXY... (voice lowering with each word) ...aaand...weee...shall have...peeeeeeeeeeaaaace. Riffers: (clapping) Oh lovely, marvelous, Darth Actor, ladies and gentlemen, Darth Actor.

• Upon the reveal of Darth Vader via mechanical moving table:

Bill: If this slowly rotates him facedown into a pie, the entire journey will have been worth it.

• As the Empire watches the Death Star under construction:

Kevin Murphy: (as Tarkin) Yeah, so Darth, a couple of weeks we'll start building it, then we can take that decal off the wall of the window. Until then, looks cool, eh? Bill: (as Vader) So, where are the ladies on this ship? Mike: (as Palpatine) Ah, my son. You have much to learn about the Dark Side. Bill: (as Vader) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Kevin: Ah, you see, Bill? That one seems kind of warranted.

• When the Wookies are preparing to charge:

THIS! IS! THE TEDDY BEAR PICNIC!

• Any and all Palpatine Old Man jokes.

I want a muffin.

• The Running Gag about R2 being a droid serial killer.
• This:

Padme: Ani...I'm pregnant. Bill: I'm pretty sure it's Watto's. I can feel its wings moving around.

• "I believe I have the right to know if you are pants-crapping insane!"
• The I Am Very British persona they give Obi-Wan.
• Mike decides to take advantage of the Palpatine/Mace Windu fight and uses the time to share a (surprisingly detailed) recipe for dip with his friends and the listeners. Made funnier by Bill and Kevin trying to listen to him and pay attention to the film at the same time.

Bill: ...Uh, Samuel has the guy pinned down now, Mike.

Star Wars IV: A New Hope

• "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a film maker said, 'I WILL create a character named Kit Fisto!'"
• "Door. Guys. Door! Guys! DOOR! GU-ah, crap."
• "Good guys are dropping left and right, the Stormtroopers have no idea how to react. Nothing like this has ever happened to them before!"
• "It's the Council of Lousy Haircuts!"
• "....when did we let an American in?"
• "Can't we have just one nice meal together?"
• "My pants are plastic/My helmet's tight/My balls are swinging left to right!"
  • "Chafe chafe chafe chafe chafe chafe chafe..."
• "EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"
• One of the most callous and hilarious one-liners in the entire series riff:

C-3PO: I'm C-3P0, human cyborg relations. And this is my counterpart, R2-D2. Luke: Hello. Kevin: (as R2D2) I stood next to your mother as she died.

• • Bill's reaction, a dark little chuckle and an understated "Utini" makes it the funniest thing to ever happen.
• Absolutely EVERYTHING regarding the unfortunately named Porkins.

Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back

• "Oh, man. Oh, Luke, you okay? I was out cold there for a few minutes, I got this broken nose, blood everywhere, really embarrassing. Hey, my seatbelt's a little stuck, can you, uh, help me with it? Uh, Luke, where the hell are you going? This isn't funny, man. Don't take my wallet, you piker! When I get out of here I swear to God I'm gonna OHGAAAAA!"
• On the probe droid on Hoth:

Kevin: Look out, it's a probe droid. Don't let it see your ass!

• When Chewie giggles at Leia's jibe at Han.

Kevin: (as Chewie) Pwned! Han: Laugh it up, fuzzball. Kevin: (as Chewie) Don't mind if I do, skin tube!

• After Leia kisses Luke:

Bill: (as Leia) Now, if you don't mind, I have to go make out with my Dad.

• "A KLANSMAN!"
• "Hm. Tripping balls I am, right now!"
• "Lando?" "Cerebro?" "Magneto!"
• "Down boy, quit humping my leg!"
• "Don't make me lay the smackdown on that ass."

Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi

• Pretty much anything relating to the Ewok/Stormtrooper battle:
  • "The Hurt Locker as presented by the Build-a-Bear Workshop."
  • "Today's the day the teddy bears have their murder!"
  • "Remember: these are the Empire's best troops."
  • "My God, they're eating them."
  • "It's like a scene from 'Harry and the Hendersons: Harry Goes to Iraq.'"
• Imperial Officer: You rebel scum.

Bill: You Imperial slut!

• [Watching the rebels being massacred outside the Death Star]

Emperor: The Alliance will die. As will your friends. Mike: Ron, Hermione, Merry, Pippin, Bumblebee, all of them!

• "And now they're visited by Porkins the White."
• "It's a trap!" "This is no time to quote tired Internet memes, sir!"
• "Fifty thousand, no less." "What, do I look like I'm made of money?" "No, you look like you're made of expired Crisco!" "WHO SAID THAT?!"
• On the famous Leia gold bikini:

"There it is, the outfit that singlehandedly makes Comic Con bearable." "And occasionally much, much worse." "You saw that guy too, huh?"

The Star Wars Holiday Special

• During the intro:

Announcer: Introducing Chewbacca's family! Mike: And many a scream yourself awake nightmare!

• When Malla contacts Luke Skywalker:

Luke: Oh, look, R2, it's Chewbacca's family. Mike: What I meant to say is, "RUN, it's Chewbacca's family!"

• During the scene where Lumpy watches a holographic circus thing with obnoxious music in the background, every riff is a Crowning Moment of Funny:

(Mike, Bill and Kevin all scream in terror when the first acrobat appears.) Bill: Well, it was inevitable. Someday I knew the moment would come when I had to gouge my own eyes out. This is it! Mike: No! Bill, stay your hand! There'll be plenty of other moments coming up. Be a shame to let those go to waste. Bill: Good point. (Mike laughs in amazement at the acrobats.) Bill: (sarcastic) Wookies love this. Kevin: Like his single leather boot there. (pause) This is the very same scene that is playing on a constant loop in Ryan Seacrest's brain. (Beat) Explains the smile, y'know. (The lead acrobat vanishes and reappears life size next to Lumpy playing some Dr. Seuss-like trumpet.) Mike: Elton John would give everything he owned if this were only a real device. (The acrobats swing into full steam on the table.) Bill: Even Rip Taylor thinks this goes way overboard on the camp. Kevin: Oh, no, are we going to find out why they call him "Lumpy"? Bill: Music to go mad by! Mike: (on the lead acrobat) I'd love to have been there the day this guy told the all other Keebler Elves what he really wanted to do with his life. Bill: "No, seriously?!"... (a few seconds pass) Circe du Suck... oh, why don't you just go ahead and kill me, because I really don't think I could take another second of this, guys. Kevin: If I watch any more of this, am I gonna get a letter in the mail informing me that I'm now legally gay? Bill: ...yes. Mike: You know, it might be a funny joke if you played this music if you knew someone was going to ask for your hand in marriage. "Rebecca, my dearest love, would you WEEDEE-wee-wow! WEEDEE-wee-wow! WEEDEE WEEDEE WEEDEE-wee-wow!" Bill: Kinda kill the moment. (a few seconds pass) I hate to say it, 'cause I know this is on the up-and-up, but... it all seems kinda weird. Kevin: Ah! Ah, good, the bright fuschia fish acrobats are here! It wouldn't be a Life Day without 'em! Bill: No sirree. Mike: (exasperated by the lead acrobat) Look, would you and Bryce please move to Palm Springs, buy matching Speedos and get jobs in retail and just leave us alone?! Bill: (noticing Lumpy's avid grin) There's murder in his eyes! I like where this is headed! Kevin: (as the lead acrobat) And that was the introduction, folks! Now let's get on with the show! Mike: (as Malla) Would you turn off that stupid video game?! Bill: (as Lumpy) It's not a video game, Mom. It's a video game system!

• During the first scene with Chewbacca's family, Bill gets the most obvious joke out of the way:

Bill: Well, terrifying thought, but I'm charging ahead with it anyway: If you're a furry, and you're watching this right now. are you turned on? Kevin: (horrified) Ohh! Can I be excused to have a good cry? Mike: Stay right where you are, Murphy!

• While watching the...ahem, "cooking show":

Mike: You know, sure, this makes me wanna drive a masonry chisel into my kneecap, but on the bright side, at least it's not Rachael Ray.

• • And later:

Mike: Uh, you sure this aired during the family hour? Far more stirring and whipping than the FCC likes to see before ten...

• When Stormtroopers show up at the Wookiees' home:

Mike: (as Itchy) Don't worry, son, they can't shoot straight, and they're easy to kill!

• Mike misinterprets the lyrics to Jefferson Starship's song:

Jefferson Starship: Will you light the sky on fire? Mike: Will I light this guy on fire? No, sir, I will not!

• • Bill insisting that Mike light the sky and/or that guy on fire already, in order to shut the band up.
  • Turns into a Brick Joke during the Wookiee gathering near the end.

Bill: This is it, Mike! They're finally ready to light this guy on fire!

• This exchange:

Kevin: So after this aired, the deep shame and mockery from the ordeal forced George Lucas underground and his creation Star Wars was never heard from again, right? Mike: Uh, actually, it went on to shatter records for money made (breaking sound is heard), and it has more devotees than many major religions. Bill: Ooh, Mike, that inconsistency caused a logical wormhole that broke Kevin's mic!

• During one commercial bumper:

Announcer: The Star Wars Holiday Special will continue in a moment! Bill: Despite the growing number of protesters outside our office!

• This little addition to Princess Leia's song:

Leia: That one day we'll be free… Mike: (as Leia) "To mouth-kiss our siblings with impunity!"

• During the obligatory commercial for Star Wars toys:

C-3PO: Star Wars - you and your children loved it! Bill: Then tonight happened.

• When Ackmina is trying to get her customers to leave.

Ackmina: Aren't you listening to what I'm saying? The Empire has SHUT US DOWN! You've got to GO now! Bill: THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND!

• During a CBS newsbreak:

Bill: This just in: Christmas has been cancelled due to sadness caused by The Star Wars Holiday Special.

• Mike: "All your base are belong to Lumpy."
• After Mala first expresses concern for her husband's safety:

Bill: (as Itchy) There, there. If he's dead, we can still celebrate Life Day. We'll just call it Death Day! And instead of eating turkey and opening presents, we can bury his body before it rots.

• When the first commercial appears.

Kevin: (on seeing Willie Rawles, GE employee) ...Wuh-wait? Is that Darth out of uniform?

• The Fruit of the Loom commercial:

Mike: (as lady) What the hell are you, tobacco?!

Transformers

• When the Popeye robot is after Sam:

Sam: He's gonna kill me! The robot pulls his pants down Kevin: I think he has something else in mind..

• When the Sector 7 cars pull up outside the Witwicky residence and the various agents pile out...

Kevin: Mr. Anderson... Bill: ...Mr. Anderson... Mike: ...MR. Anderson... Bill: ...Mr. Anderson... Kevin: ...MIS-TER Anderson...

• When the various character groups meet up at the Hoover Dam:

Tom Banachek: Son, listen to me very carefully. People could die here. Mike: If we really put our minds to it, people could die here.

• The Decepticon role call turned into something out of Thomas the Tank Engine.

Revenge of the Fallen

• The first thing out of 'Sam's mouth after meeting the Primes and returning to life:

"God is a bunch of robots!"

• Bumblebee's reaction upon seeing Sam apparently die.

"I'm free! I'm finally free!"

• Bill General Motors would like to remind its many former employees not to think about how much all the product placement cost.
• On the appearance of the twins.

Mike: Oh good; twin mechanical Jar Jars. Mudflap: That hurt, man. Skids: It's supposed to hurt. It's an ass-kickin'. Mike: I believe that was actually the movie poster tagline for Transformers 2.

• When a poster for Bad Boys II appears on screen.

Bill: The movie Transformers 2 would like to take this moment to remind you Michael Bay sucked 14 years ago too. We now return you to your noisy mayhem.

• During the opening:

Optimus Prime: ...a species much like our own: capable of great compassion... Bill: Hey take that back or I'll kill you!

• Everybody Shea!
  • Wawawawabubububububbababababababa!
  • Nonononononon!

Dark of the Moon

• Mike's gotten the hang of naming Transformers.

Mike: "Arise, Decepticons! Starchunk! Thunderbucket! Slaptimus! Bughunt! Snaketocopter! And Mortimer W. Clankitybritches!"

Twilight

• Right off the bat, they start arguing about vampire sparkliness:

Mike: Thank you, and welcome once again to Riff Trax, where I am joined by Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy. Bill: Thank you, Mike. And may I say how happy I am that our movie, Twilight, is finally telling the world something I've been saying for years: that vampires are sparkly! Ho-ho-ho, the world laughed at me and my quoteunquote "crazy ideas about vampire sparkliness", but maybe now that the truth is out, I'll get an apology! Kevin. Kevin: I-I-I never denied their sparkliness, Bill, we just happen to disagree very, very strongly about whether that sparkliness is a full-body sparkliness, huh? Is it sparkly between their toes? Sparkly on the bottom of their feet? Are their inner thighs sparkly? These are important questions, and I don't think Twilight has settled them. Bill: Oh, you had to bring up the sparkly thigh thing, didn't you? When you know that it all hinges on the buttcheeks! Frankly, sir, your views on this are well outside the norm in the vampire sparkliness research community. Kevin: (gasps) How dare you, sir?! Bill: I dare! Kevin: My contributions to the vampire buttcheeks sparkliness research are renowned, and I'll not have your slander, shame on you, sir! Bill: No, shame on you! Kevin: No, shame on-! Mike: Okay, o-okay, okay.

• Just before the opening credits:

Bella: And...this will be a good thing... Mike: ...like Hot Topic! Bella: ...I think. Mike: But what do I know? I'm just your typically abnormally confident, world-weary 16-year-old female protagonist, teehee!

• "Yeah, that's the new girl; she'll fit right in driving Fred Sanford's truck!
• In the cafeteria:

Girl: ...we're talking Olympic sized! Mike: High school girls discussing wang sizes; we've officially hit rock bottom, gentlemen. Kevin: Shh, shh, shh! I'm trying to hear about the wang sizes!

• "Llllllllllllllllllllllladies?"
  • "Lllllllladies." "Bill, those are guys." "Oh, well, dudes that look like llllllladies."
• "THIS! IS! Forks High School, home of the SPARTAns!"
• "The silver screen cannot contain the heated passion of Twilight!
• "It's hard to look Badass posing next to a Volvo."

Edward: No one will believe you! Mike: ...quoting directly from The Abusive Guy's Handbook there.

• Kevin's version of Edwards song to Bella.
• "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?"
• "It's fun being eternally damned!"
• When Edward reveals his nature to Bella for the first time:

Edward: Say it... Kevin: Alright, you're a total homo! Bill: That's not what I meant! Edward: Out loud... Mike: Okay, you're a thorough-going douche... Bill: No! You're not doing it right! Mike: A tool? Bill: NO! Bella: Vampire... Kevin: Close; I'm a metropire! Edward: Are you afraid? Mike: Seriously...I don't know what emotion you're going for, because you always just look nauseous...

• Bella is visiting the Cullens

Mike: You like Legos? Cause I got tons of Legos (sic), I got Lego Star Wars, and Power Miners, I got like a bajillion Beeonicles (sic) too...

• "Vampires keep themselves harnessed to the ceilings at all times in case a production of Peter Pan breaks out."
  • "Is there a production of Peter Pan? Because we're ready!"
• "She was coached by Shia LeBeouf for this scene."
• The scene where Edward's snuck into Bella's bedroom: "What was our math homework?"
• Cafeteria scene:

Bella: You know, your mood swings are kinda giving me whiplash. Mike: And that apple you bounced off your foot is giving me hookworm.

• After Edward has saved Bella and kisses her in the hospital:

Mike: Aw, I-I'm weakening, guys. I mean suddenly feel very invested in their love. It's-It's my love, too. Them succeeding despite all odds means I succeed despite all odds. (Cut to a shot over a forest.) Look, beautiful trees, as-as beautiful as the love between Edward and Bella and me and their beauty and... [THUNK] Ow! You hit me with a phone book! Kevin: Yep.

• When Bella and Edward are practicing dancing:

Mike: You mind if I slit my wrists right now, get ahead of the curve? Bill: Oh, any old time, Mike. Kevin: I'm surprised you haven't done it by now!

• Mike, Bill, and Kevin worrying about the taxidermy animal in science room. (I'd say It Makes Sense in Context, but...it doesn't.)
• "Typical night at Jack Nicholson's house, circa 1975."
• During the...well, rapidly changing scene:

Kevin: I'm having another acid flashback, right? Mike: No, that's the movie. Kevin: So...you guys also see Jim Nabors riding a killer whale in space? Mike: No... Bill: Wish I did, though; that sounds great!

• Early scene mentioning the investigation into mysterious deaths.

Sheriff: Well, another hiker got attacked by something in the woods. Mike (as Sheriff): ... we think it was a bear because it sucked all the blood out of the corpse.

• Humming "Yakkity Sax" while Edward runs up the hill with Bella at superspeed.

Twilight: New Moon

• As the movie opens...

Mike: And we're ba-- Bill: TEAM JACOB! Mike: (disgruntled) COULD you please...?

• Bill's epic Cluster F-Bomb in the opening sequence.
• Bella has a gift for Jacob:

Bella: It's a little crazy... Bill (as Bella): It's a statue of General Custer!

• This exchange:

Alice: It's just a little...blood. Mike (as Bella): Well it was a "little blood" until Edward flayed open my brachial artery.

• (To Bella) BOOOO! YOU SUCK! BOOOO!
• During the scene where Edward is walking through Italy to go ask the Volturi to kill him:

"Ha, ha, ha, not stayin' alive, not stayin alive! Ha, ha, ha, not stayin' ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!

• As Bella is being led away from the Volturi, passing by a group of tourists being led into their chamber. Screams are heard...

Bill: Italian Police issued a statement today once again reiterating that, for the love of God, tour groups should stop going into that Castle where all the other tour groups have been mysteriously murdered.

• Pretty much the entirety of the treatment the Volturi in terms of Frank n Furter esque moaning, mockery of their effeminate portrayal, and in particular their reactions to Michael Sheen whenever they are on screen. In particular this little line as Edward is about to ask them to kill him

Bill: The High Council of GAYness will see you now! Mike and Kevin: (effeminate groaning and moaning)

• Early on...

Edward: (To Bella) This will be the last time you ever see me. Mike, Bill, and Kevin: (Triumphant cheering) Hooray! Yay!

• When Jacob first removes his shirt

Kevin: Aaaaaannnd All three: Heeyo! Hey-hey-hey-babe! Aroooogah, aroogah! Hohoho! Mike: Mom, I didn't know you wanted to see New Moon! Bill: (effeminate voice): Quiet, dear, I'm trying to watch. Th-the story! The story.

• • Subversely, upon Edward doffing his shirt:

Mike: And theaters full of shrieking teenagers learn the hard way that some things are better left to the imagination.

• The end, after a whole movie's worth of sending out mixed messages and crushing hearts:

Bella: [to Jacob] I do love you. Bill: [incredulous] Sh-she does!? Mike: [through laughter] She's not a stable girl.

• Used as a Running Gag, they keep trying to catch Bella actually making it through a sentence without a Shatnerian pause. Sometimes she actually manages what would count as a whole sentence only to continue the sentence after a long pause.
• Cliff-diving:

I regret not buying more shiiiiiiiiirts! I regret not buying Bob more shiiiiiiiiiiiirts! I regret being named Embryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Donate my torso to Abercrombie and Fiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!

• And when Bella goes cliff-diving:

Drowning: the only way she could get more pale and sad.

Twilight: Eclipse

Jacob: She broke her hand...punching my face. Kevin (As Charlie): Ugh, you guys went to see "Face Punch" again, didn't you?

• "Make as many mistakes as you can", the advice that inspired M. Night Shyamalan.
• Jasper flashbacking

Bella:How do you know so much about this? Mike: Read the Twilight books, they blew. Jasper: I didn't have quite the same upbringing as my adopted siblings. Bill:I was born a poor black child

• Following an awkward conversation between Bella and Charlie.

Kevin (as Charlie): ...[takes a swig from his beer] Work your dark magic, booze.

• Continuing the Running Gag from previous films, the guys continual irritation by Bella's inability to finish a...sentence, without pausing.
  • Plus their horror at Charlie throwing in a random pause. "It's an epidemic!"
• [During Charlie's embarrassing marriage/sex talk with Bella]

Bella: Oh my God, Dad! I'm a virgin. Charlie: Daaah-d-d-duh, okay! Kevin: [laughs] Dad had a Chandler attack. Bill: Could my daughter BE anymore of a virgin?!

• The other Running Gag of "Line?", especially when Bella is freezing in the mountains: "L-l-line?"
• "Theeeres a pooooosibilityyyyyyyy" "Stop it!" "Come on man!"
• To the tune of "Dream Weaver," while Riley is sneaking through Bella's house:

Kevin: Whooooooa, dreeeeeeeamcatcher, I believe you can hang there and do nothing through the ni-hiiiiiiiiiight!

• Who's the bad guy?

Edward: It has to be the Volturi. Bill: The Volturi: that's Chevy's new mid-sized sedan, right?

• Bella macks on Edward:

Kevin: Mmm...you taste like Clearasil and indecision!

• As Jacob keeps Bella warm through the night:

Edward: Could you at least attempt to control your thoughts? Kevin: I'm tired of all the Glee spoilers!

• Any and all remarks in regards to Charlie's mustache.
  • And on a related note, TEAM MUSTACHE DAD!
• A hilarious Shout-Out to The Room:

A vampire: Don't worry about it. Bill: Oh hai, Twilight, I'm so glad you like saying 'don't worry about it' too.

• Even as she tries to clear things up, Bella continues to be the master of mixed messages.

Bella: [to Edward] This wasn't a choice between you and Jacob. Kevin: Then what the hell was the point of the last two movies?! Bella: It was a choice between who I should be and who I am. Mike: ...What the holy hell does that mean?

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt 1

• Before the riff was even released the trio did a Rifftrax announcement of the impending riff, during which Bill leaves for a moment to pass a kidney stone just as Kevin and Mike start mocking the whole "Jacob imprints/falls in love with a baby" thing. When Bill returns holding the kidney stone in a glass jar, Kevin "imprints" on it much to the other's disgust
• Bill singlehandedly making a Running Gag of Edward not being able to fart, until the other guys start thinking it's in the actual movie.
• "We here at Rifftrax would like to remind you that for the last three years, Bella and Jacob have been the two most popular baby names, so please, stop it."
• Priest: "Ladies and gentlemen we're gathered here today to witness the union of Edward Cullen and Bella Swan..." "Also my bible just burst into flames for some reason."
• Talking about how the book couldn't possibly be told in one film at any especially slow moment.
• "The elderly couple in Up had hotter sex than this!"
• On Sam Uley's wolf voice: "He sounds like Darth Vader trapped down a well."
• As Bella picks up a cell phone: "She tried to play Words With Friends but all she could come up with was 'Uhh?' and 'Edward!'."
• Everyone greets Jacob with "Sorry about Abduction."
• "So a werewolf just fell in love with the monster baby that was ripped out of its mother's womb by the teeth of her vampire husband. Stephanie Meyer, get some help. You're very, very sick and deranged, you need to be hospitalized now."

What? In dog years, she's like 14 hours!

• Mike & Bill's "super gay Volturi voices".
• "Oh for the love of god, do something, you apprehensive, brain damaged...mouse-haired...sea cucumber!"
• This insight into Meyer's writing:

Carlisle: We didn't think it (Bella's pregnancy) was even possible. Bill: It's like someone's making up the rules as she goes.

300

• When the Persian messenger arrives:

Leonidas: What message do you bring? Persian Messenger: Earth and water. Mike: So...mud. Leonidas: You rode all the way from Persia for earth and water? Bill: Well, I lost some of the message along the way...

• When Leonidas dispatches the Persian messenger's party, and decide to run the THIS! IS! SPARTA! gag straight into the ground:

Bill: Well, I certainly think he proved that THIS! IS! SPARTA! Mike: His kids make fun of him because when he's handing out stuff on the Fourth of July he insists on saying, "THIS! IS! A SPARKLER!" Kevin: Or when he's giving his car a tune-up, and his kid asks, "Hey, dad? What's that small, white thing with metal at each end?" And he always replies, "THIS! IS! A SPARK PLUG!" Bill: Or...when he sits down to a meal of juice, toast, milk, and Trix cereal-- Mike: Uh-oh, where's he going with this? Bill: And he looks at his bowl of Trix and he says, "THIS! IS! 'SPART OF A BALANCED BREAKFAST!!!" Kevin: Wow! Mike: Wow, you pulled it out! Nicely done!

• Leonidas sitting down next to his son after a sparring session, "Hey, wanna beer, kid?"

Son: Um, Dad, why are you Scottish?

• When Leonidas meets with the Persian messenger:

Leonidas: Submission. Mike: That would be a great name for a Muslim rock band.

• "Jog, men! Jog casually into battle! JOG!!!"
• (seeing the Rain of Arrows) "Aw, relax; they're probably not even meant for us..."
• When the 300 are preparing to leave:

General Guy: ...Sons to carry on their name. Bill: Though Johnson's son may not be the marrying type, if you know what I mean. Mike: He's considering moving to Athens, if you catch my drift. Kevin: We think he may be a homosexual, if you can read between the lines.

• After a shot of the massive Persian fleet:

Mike (as Delios): And so Xerxes and Jimmy Buffett assembled the largest boat-to-boat party in history.

• "Kid, how'd you get so dirty?! You were outside for, like, five minutes!"
• "Uh, I don't like this new 'extreme' image for The Giving Tree --it was fine the way it was."
• "March Of The Penguins had less marching!!"
• Leonidas meeting Xerxes for the first time:

Kevin: (as Xerxes puts his hands on Leonidas's shoulders) Mmmm...you're so tense... Xerxes: It's not the lash they fear... Mike: Oh, no...it's turning into one of these... (all three start imitating porno music)

• • And later in that scene:

Leonidas: You are as generous...as you are... Mike: Gay. Leonidas: ...divine... Bill: Oh, he is divine~ Leonidas: Such an offer, only a madman would refuse. Mike: (in a bad Scottish accent) And guess what? I forgot me thorazine today!

• "Muffin out your chests, men!"
  • "Alright, men, ready your six-packs! And if you haven't done so already, oil up those pecs!"
• (imitating Roger Rabbit) "Ahem. Attention, Spartans!"
• During one of the many battle scenes:

Delios: We did what we were trained to do, what we were bred to do, what we were born to do. Bill: What we were cast, costumed, and choreographed to do. Mike: What we were blue-screened and digitized to do. Bill: What we were shaved to do.

• And in another battle:

Kevin: Okay, so they're really pre-ninja ninjas. Mike: In pre-kabuki kabuki masks. Bill: And using pre-samurai samurai swords.

• When they start throwing bombs at the Spartans:

Delios: (narrating) When muscle failed, they turned to their magic... Bill: To their Ku Klux Pimps!

• "Alright, we're finally here. The movie has finally taken us quite literally to hell."

Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, this has been The Importance of Being Earnest.

• When the evil senator essentially rapes Queen Gorgo:

Disembaudio: Hey, guys, I made you some snickerdoodles--Gooooood Lord! WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?!?! Bill: No-no, no, no-- Disembaudio: Is THIS the kind of filth you turn on when I leave the room?!?! FOR SHAME!!! Kevin: No, Disembaudio-- Disembaudio: No! Noooo! NOOOOOOOO!!!

• "Kneel before the soundtrack!! SUBMIT TO IT!!!!!"
  • Also referring to the music: "March, gentlemen, march to the music of Nine Daktylos Nails!
• The Immortals approach.

Delios: The deadliest fighting force in all of Asia.... Kevin: The Russian vollyball team?

• During Xerxes' rebuttal to Leonidas turning down his offer to submit to Persia's will:

Mike: HAM ALERT! HAM ALERT!!! (imitates klaxon)

• Right before all the Spartans get killed:

Delios: (narrating) [Leonidas's] roar is loud and long... Mike: His teeth are bleached and capped...

• After Leonidas throws his spear at Xerxes

Kevin: But Xerxes is usually glad to see a spear headed into him... (The spear clips his face, making him bleed, and sticking in the back of his throne) Bill: (as Xerxes covers his face) How tacky!

• The Slo-mostrians are coming!
• Leonidas: Spartans! What is your profession?!
  Spartans: HA-OOH! HA-OOH! HA-OOH!
  Mike: And I'm a flower arranger!
• "Remember, only you can prevent sickly babies from diluting the strength of our race! Freeedooom!"

Alien

• Kevin theorizes if the music had been done by Randy Newman instead:

"I've got a little alien in me, It's as busy as a little bee. It's gonna be my dinner guest When it busts out of my chest, Because I've got a little alien in me."

Avatar

Grace: Who'd you expect, numb nuts? Bill: Thoughtful nickname for a guy who is crippled from the waist down.

• The scene where Jack tries to keep the doglike creatures away with a torch.

Mike: This how it is going to feel like for anyone who dresses as a sexy Na'Vi at Comic-Con this year. Kevin: Hey, now! Don't try to talk me out of it! Bill: Gungan! Kill it! Kevin: Meesa... senet... tar... Bill (whisper): Kill it more!

• During the destruction of the Home Tree

Soldier: Yee-ha, baby! Get some! Bill: Did I just tell a tree to get some? Man, I need shore leave.

• Jack: Look where we are, Grace.

Mike: In a nice, clean hospital with a crack surgical team? Oh, I guess this is good too.

• Bill: Come my peaceful brethren, LET'S KILL THEM ALL!
• Kevin: Look at this stuff, Isn't it neat? Wish that my junk was as big as my feet. Doctor Manhattan's got nothing on me in PANDORA!
• Mike's "Robot Knife Fight" song.
• After the final duel between Quaritch and Jake, Jake is back in his human body and struggling to grab a breath mask:

Mike: Yeah, it kept falling out so somebody stapled the emergency mask into the case...

• Neytiri, after she meets Jake: You are like a baby! Always making noise, don't know what to do.

Bill: Poopin in da Huggies, eatin da strained peas!

• The very last joke: "Morning wood!"
• After the failed ritual to transfer Grace into her Avatar:

Moat: Her wounds were too great. It was not enough time. Kevin: Also our religion is bullshit.

• The 'Informer's rendition was short but hilarious.
• After Jake prays to the Great Mother for aid.

Neytiri: The Great Mother does not take sides. Mike (as Neytiri): -she's an amoral psychopath.

• Kevin: 6-legged, anteater horses.
  Mike: George Lucas slowly nods his silent approval.
• Probably the most involved Kansas City Royals joke in Rifftrax history while Jake fights the six-legged dogs:

Kevin: A desperate man in blue, confused and frail, lacking necessary skill and training, called up to the big leagues before he was ready, swinging wildly at his more powerful opponent, a single disinterested spectator idly looking on from a distance... eerily reminiscent of a Kansas City Royals game. Bill: Wow. Mike: I believe you covered three entire city blocks before you got to that one. Kevin: I try.

• Any reference to Quaritch's supreme Badass-itude.

Quaritch: Oh, yeah. "Breathing". I suppose some of you pussies need to do that...

Battlefield Earth

• During the Opening Scroll:

Bill: Psssh. 3000. What has the year 3000 ever done for us?

• "I used to like the color blue. Now it's dead to me. Cram it, Smurfs. Piss off, ocean. Screw you, sky."
• During the final air battle:

Mike: So...these jets were all fueled, and tuned up, and ready to go after A THOUSAND YEARS?! Kevin: Yes, Mike. Mike: And a bunch of knuckle-dragging cave dwellers with spears took a break from picking nits off each other and eating them for a few days and taught themselves to become top-level fighter pilots? Bill: Yes, Mike. Mike: And that, somehow, these exact same weapons - well maintained and on alert, mind you - did NOT save the human race from the aliens one thousand years ago, when the humans who actually MADE these weapons were alive? You know, the humans that did NOT wear goat skins, and sacrifice goats, and smell like goats, and marry goats? Kevin: Yes, Mike. Mike: And is there any reason that I should not dedicate my LIFE to building a time machine, so that I can eventually travel back to the set of Saturday Night Fever and infuse the heels of [John] Travolta's disco shoes with nitro glycerin, so that he is eliminated from history and this movie NEVER GETS MADE?!?! Bill: Um...no, Mike. Go nuts. (Beat)...I think you just did.

• • And soon after that fight...

Mike: They did it! Those plucky little Hobbits destroyed The Ring! Kevin: Uh, Mike? We're not in-- Bill: Shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh...he's in a better place now.

• "You know, this movie seems kind of silly."
• Their reaction to Terl's infamous scenery chewing.

Terl: While you were still learning how to SPELL YOUR NAME... (the guys start cracking up) Terl: I was being trained to CONQUER GALAXIES! Bill: Wow, you're really going to go with that performance huh?

• This exchange:

Kevin: So, our story so far: Aliens from some death metal planet conquered the Earth then enslaved mankind for a thousand years. Bill: Right. Kevin: Then they sent Travolta, who's going to whiz the entire planet down his leg in a few short days. Bill: Right again. Kevin: And somehow this movie is supposed to make us feel good about Scientology? Mike: Yeah, I think in the same way Birth of a Nation endeared us all to the Klan.

Beowulf

• The harp-playing scene in the mead hall, where the crew proceeds to interject "What If Thor Was One of Us" and "Shorty Got Low" into the song.
• During the battle with Grendel:

Here, we can follow along in the Old English text: Den punched he, nakede Beowulf, in Grendel on de noggin. Den flipped him doen Gymkata dismounten causen Grendel his assen be roasted en his bippies in der pit smoken. Wow, that is an extremely faithful telling. Oh, you're bettin' your meatballs.

• (upon Beowulf stabbing his way out of the eye of the Kraken/Loch Ness Monster/what have you and yelling his name as a war cry:)

Mike: Guys, If I ever burst out of the eye of a giant sea creature, I promise I'll have something better to yell than "MIIIIIIIIIIIKE!"

• (during a massively long zoom-out from the camera):

Mike: We interrupt our movie briefly to give you a ride on a skilift.

• Anything and everything pertaining to John Malkovich. Example:

Mike: (upon seeing Malkovich) GAH! A creepy, hollow-eyed John Malkovich!...In other words, John Malkovich.

• • And later, after Grendel has attacked, something rises from the water:

Kevin: GAH! A hideous sea creature! Mike: No no no no, it's just John Malkovich. Kevin and Bill: GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

• In regards to Beowulf's burning pyre boat...thing:

Mike: To quote one Mr. Kevin Costner on a similar occasion, let's see if I can remember this correctly...(clears throat, says the following line without an ounce of emotion) My boat.

• At the burial of some fellow soldiers:

Beowulf: They were great warriors. Kevin: No, they were Geat warriors. Wiglaf: They died a foul death. Beowulf: They were murdered by a foul creature from the depths of Hell. Bill: Right, Crispin Glover.

Birdemic: Shock and Terror

• The guys start noticing a similar similarity between Birdemic and a certain other film.

Bill: (as Tommy Wiseau) Oh, hi, poorly made cult film directed by an immigrant with a funny accent that's trying to horn in on my business! Mike: (as Tommy Wiseau) Oh, hello darkness my old friend. Hahahaha!

• The spontaneous, ahem, "forest fire":

Kevin: Help, it's a strangely localized forest fire! Bill: With small pinpoint blazes that are not spreading in the least! Help! Mike: And which are handily contained to tiny patches off the road itself making safe passage quite easy! Help! (later) Kevin: It's not a forest fire. It's a bunch of Buddhist monk chipmunks doing a simultaneous self-immolation to protest! Bill: To protest global warming? Kevin: No, this movie!

• Kevin: "Sadly, the only inconvenient truth was in Rod's pants."
• Bill's Cluster F-Bomb during the credits at the cast, filled with censor bleeps, followed by Mike when Kevin brings up spruce bark beetles.
• During an exceptionally bad bit of Special Effect Failure.

Mike: We're going to make this look good in post(-production) right? Bill: The hell is post? Keep flailing!

• After an eagle manages to divebomb a filling station.

Mike (as Sam the Eagle): Death to weirdos! Kevin (as another eagle): Sam! Noooooooooo!

• The guys have fun with the Blind Idiot Translation script:

Rod: Watch football. Especially the 49ers. Also, part-times Eagles fan. Mike: (as Rod) Hang on. I said "part-times Eagles fan." Kevin: (as Nyugen) Keep rolling!

• • Then:

Rod: You're right, he is cute. So, you're a cats lover. Bill: (as Rod) Hold on. I said "cats lover". Kevin: (as Nyugen) Keep rolling!

• In one particularly bad example of Nyugen refusing to ever do a second take:

Nathalie's Mom: Look, keep me... (stumbles badly on the dialog) uh, er, eh, you... know, keep me informed! Kevin: (as Mom) Look, I screwed up the line. Bill: (as Nyugen) Keep rolling! Kevin: (as Mom) But it was really bad! Bill: (as Nyugen) KEEP ROLLING!

• One word: "Slrpnls." Nobody knows just what a slrpnl is.

Executive: "Is there a patent?" Rod: "Yes; Mass Solar owns the patent to this technology." Kevin: "And, what are you calling them again?" Mike: "Slrpnls." Kevin: "I'm...not...?" Mike: "Slrpnls!" Kevin: "Perhaps if you slowed down?" Mike: "Sldwnslrpnls?"

The Bourne Identity

• After Jason has knocked out two policemen

Bill: Guess I'll have to arrest myself. All right, drop my weapon! I have a right to remain--hey, come back here, me! STOP ME!

• "I hope there's a can on this floor. I've got more gas than the Homer Simpson balloon."
• "Well, apparently I'm a Euro-dick who's too good to answer my own door!"
• When Castel jumps out of the apartment window

Bill: AHA, I've ESCAPED! ...Oh, that was dumb!

• "Eamon's starting to breathe on the windows and write dirty words."
• "Dude, you shot my ween! That's just not cool!"
  • "I was LYING about my ween, for you see, I do not have one!"

Casino Royale

• "Welcome back to the finals of Olympic Open Field Tag. Daniel Craig is currently 'It,' but may not be for long."
• The random yet hilarious reaction to seeing Daniel Craig's face in the opening credits.

Mike: A GUINEA FOWL! Oh wait, it's just Daniel Craig.

• • "Oh, I get it now. This guy is the missing Mario Brother." "Either that or he's the original Prince of Persia."
  • BOND SMASH!
  • ENGLISH GUY!
    • "The English Guy doesn't so much leap as he plummet."
• "Spies have been reduced to stealing ringtones for Eastern Bloc countries. A clean Schnappi can bring as much as $3 on the black market."
  • After Bond steals a bad guy's backpack and starts rifling through it:

Kevin: (as Bond) Ha! Now I get his toaster strudel!

• "Finally, he's got some time for Second Life--he can get back to being a foxy blue-skinned woman with green hair."
• "I'm Rube Cardsuck, this is Patsy McMoneygone, and Mr. E. Z. Mark."
• "So these are the people behind-the-scenes at the airport making sure your flight is delayed, your luggage is lost, and that the restaurants are always closed when you're hungry."
• When the "World's Largest Airliner" is unveiled:

Mike: And of course, this is the day the President is scheduled to go up in the all-new space shuttle-- Kevin: With all the other leaders of the free world-- Mike: Of course. And 300 orphaned children from Kosovo-- Kevin: And Oprah Winfrey! Mike: Sure, throw in Oprah Winfrey!

• Mike and Kevin's bantering impressions of air traffic controllers.
• Kevin singing the James Bond theme and segueing into the Indiana Jones theme as Bond punches out an evil truck driver during the airport chase scene.
• (As Bond looks at his tuxedo'd self in a mirror) "Yeah! My God, I'm hot! This tuxedo would look best on the floor! ...Seriously, though, I'd do me in a heartbeat."
• Mike and Kevin's impressions of a guy who doesn't understand poker and a frustrated croupier, respectively:

Mike: "Hit me! Kevin: "Sir, you can't do that!" Mike: "Double down!" Kevin: "Sir, that's Blackjack!" Mike: "Bicycle!" Kevin: "Sir, now you're just reading the back of the cards!"

• "Mr. Bond, I have a message for you from a Mr. Le Chiffre. It reads, 'Mr. Bond, your missing ten million dollars has been found, quote: "somewhere in my huge pile of money" and you can pick it up at "my butt." Burn, burn, ROFTLMAO, pwned, love, Le Chiffre.' You know, I really should look these things over before I read them over the intercom."
• ...This:

Vesper (whispering): You can have me anywhere. Mike (as Bond, rather gleefully): Really, like on a bakery counter? Or onstage at a political rally?

• "It's been six minutes and we haven't done it--I wonder if he's impotent..."
• "The people of Venice know about land, right? And how it makes an excellent foundation for buildings?"
• During the climactic scene where Vesper drowns:

Mike: * whistles "My Heart Will Go On"* Kevin: If you break out into an ode to Celine Dion, I will give you the Le Chiffre treatment with your own microphone.

Cloverfield

• Our first introduction to the monster:

Mike: You're about an hour late, monster. Kevin: We're only 18 minutes in, Mike. Mike: I stand by my statement.

• When the citizens take pictures of the fallen head of the Statue of Liberty:

Kevin: Ms. Liberty! Over here, Ms Liberty! Mike: Ms. Liberty, is it true you're parting with Mickey Rourke?

• "Then again, the upside to destroying New York...no more David Blaine."
  • "Wow, you're right! Destroy away, monster! Look for a smug guy with a deck of cards."
• While the protagonists are running to the subway station:

Mike: Oh, zoinks! Let's get out of here, Scooby!

• As the protagonists venture into a wrecked building to find their friend:

Mike: The Kool-Aid man did this. I'd recognize his work anywhere. Bill (as Kool-Aid man): OH YEEAAAH!!

• "My name is Robert Hawkins..."

* In unison* "His name is Robert Hawkins!"

• The camera is focused on a set of TVs in a radio store, with one of them playing an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants

Bill: Ladies and gentlemen, this just in: Sandy Cheeks is dead!

The Curse of Bigfoot

• When a 70's, shaggy-haired, small-mustachioed, clueless logger comes on camera:

Bill: He looks like a police sketch of himself.

Daredevil

• "I would seek justice, one way or another. I would become Batman! Until some rich idiot in Gotham city sued me for naming rights..."
• "I'm gonna get so, so naked, and then I'm gonna sit my fat bubbly ass right on Affleck's head!"

Drag Me To Hell

• "Stop playing Wii Voodoo and help my son!"

Eragon

• In the beginning, when Ayra is magically transporting Saphira's egg.

Kevin: Melon? The egg vanishes in a burst of light Kevin: Magic melon!

• The Riffers constantly pointing out how Eragon's family members are never introduced properly.

Roran: Hail Eragon, the mighty hunter! Mike: Hail sweaty guy who kinda looks like me.

• • Later

Kevin: So, why does he feel the need to keep this from his wrestling parter and Hat Guy. You know, the one with the hat? Mike: Well, clearly because that's a blue thing. It's blue. Kevin: Ahh, right, of course.

• • Culminating in:

As Roran leaves the farm Mike: Goodbye, brother-cousin-friend-fellow-farmhand.

• "Ah Jeremy Irons. The guy you call when you think, 'How can I make my movie a lot creepier?'"
• The Riffers giving baby Saphira the voice of an alcoholic.
• Mike lets Disembaudio take over for the credits.
• Over a shot of a medieval village

Kevin: HUZZAH! Welcome one and all, to the Renaissance Festival! Mike: Carolingian or Byzantine Renaissance? Kevin: I don't know, HUZZAH!

• After the third fake ending:

Mike: Come on, throw one more random image at us- we can take it!

Fast and Furious 2009

• Right off the bat, the's reaction to the "Original Film" card

Mike: "Original Film", a division of "Bitterly Ironic Studio Names, Inc." Kevin: Yes, Original Film presents the third sequel in under a decade to a movie that ripped off its plot from Point Break!

• During the opening scene, the mini-semi flips around and starts driving backwards.

Kevin: Oh, it's Cameron's dad's car from Ferris Bueller, they have to run the miles off before they return it.

• After Dom catches a bullet in his back and barely even flinches

Kevin: Haha! Now you see that your bullets are useless against him!

• "Offer him coupons! Drug lords love coupons!"
• O'Connor gets the name "David Park" out of a low-ranking gang member. One of his fed buddies complains that he could throw a fortune cookie out the window and hit a dozen David Parks. When another agent informs him that "Park" is a Korean name rather than a Chinese one...

Kevin: (as agent) Fine, I'll throw a barbecued dog out the window, ya happy?

• The running gag of Dom thinking 46 is the biggest number there is. One such instance late in the movie:

Dom: You can't buy your way out of this one. Mike: (as Dom) Unless you have 46 dollars.

The Happening

• [movie opens up with a cloudy sky]

Kevin The Haaaappeniiiiing.... Bill: Die die die die d-death death death d-diediediedie!

• [A construction worker has fallen to his death]

Worker: David? Mike: David Blaine? Are we rid of you at last?

• At the construction site

Kevin: It's raining men, hallelujah!

• This Actor Allusion:

John Leguizamo: Wanna come to my mother's for dinner? Bill: We're having ground sloth!

• During the lion attack

Kevin: Tis but a scratch!

• Mark Wahlberg's character notices a soon revealed to be plastic plant...

Mike: (as plant) Put a piece of glass in your eyyyyye...C'mon. Why aren't you killing yourself? Oh, God, I'm terrible at this!

• One of Rifftrax's many memorable song covers:

Kevin Murphy: (singing) The Summer Wind/Came blowing in/So I killed myself/It lingered there/So I took a hatpin from my hair/And plunged it into my jugular vein... Take it Mike! Mike Nelson: (singing) I sliced my wrists/with some broken glass/And then I blew my head off too/Then I disemboweled myself/And hung myself with my own intestines thanks to the Summer Wind. Bill Corbett: Very nice you guys, maybe a touch dark. Kevin Murphy: Really? Which part?

High School Musical

• The boys singing over the creepy sibling's audition song. Including Short People, the theme to The Facts of Life, Man! I Feel Like a Woman, London Calling, Bad, Bad Leroy Brown, and Suffragette City.

"Stop singing about "having" each other!"

• Kevin deciding that "Get Cha Head In the Game" means "If you want Head, you should get it In The Game."
• Kelsi trips:

Kevin: MY QUIRKINESS!

• A boy does some ballet:

Kevin: SHAME! I wanna look like a douche bag! CRASH!* Mike: And he was beaten by the Avenue Q puppets.

• Troy's reaction after Gabrielle volunteers to audition, complete with wheezing.
• Stick To The Status Quo

Kevin: The Disney Channel. High schooler's repressed secrets are "I like rap" instead of "Dissecting a fetal pig gave me a boner". Bill: The most kick-ass cello solo that doesn't involve the phrase "Yo-Yo Ma's drunk again."

• • Later, after the song.

Chad: Oh let's see, um you miss free period workout yesterday to audition for some heinous musical, and now suddenly people are confessing. Yeah Zeke, Zeke is baking. Crème brûlée. Troy: Oh. What's that? Zeke: Oh, it's a creamy custard-like filling with a caramelized surface, it's really satisfying. Troy: Yeah, cool. Chad: Shut up, Zeke! Bill: Zeke would blind him with his pastry torch the very next day.

• During Chad's first appearance.

Chad to Troy: Because in two weeks we're going to the championships. With you leading us to infinity and beyond. Bill: And Disney finally sues Disney.

• "Help!" - A message from the film's editor. Poor bastard never had a chance.
• "If Troy can tell his secret, then I can tell mine. I bake... every night, while watching Adult Swim"
• "Gah! A velociraptor!"
• Kevin's addition to Gabriella's song:

Gabriella: Why did I let myself believe/Miracles could happen? Kevin: And miracles, speaking of those/How do magnets function?

Inception

• The entirety of Bill Corbett's rant about Lost.
• As Cobb toasts Fischer Sr:

Cobb: To your father. Mike: And may nobody break up his empire. *exaggerated cough*

Iron Man

• "The Dude, International CEO."
• When Tony is chatting up the journalist and looking very skeevy:

Mike: Glasses from the "I Own A Dirty Bookshop" collection. Bill: Beard and mustache from the "Guy Who Makes Lewd Comments About His Own Nieces" collection of beards and mustaches. Kevin: Slicked-back hair from the "Brother-In-Law Who Threw Up At Your Daughter's First Communion Party" line of slicked-back hair.

• Kevin mistaking "Institutionalized" by Suicidal Tendencies for a Keanu Reeves monologue, and continuing the song in his own words when Tony turns off the radio.

"THERE'S BUGLES ALL OVER THE FLOOR!"

• When Tony shows his weapons to the troops:

Tony: I PREFER the weapon you only HAVE to fire ONCE! Kevin: I SAY things with emphasis ON words THAT may not HAVE gotten them NORMALLY!

• "And this is just for an overdue book from the Kandahar library."
• [while Tony is building his reactor]

Yinsen: What is that? Kevin: (as Tony Stark) It's called a "cram it four eyes." Bill: (as Yinsen) Oh really, I thought tha- HEY!

• When Tony Stark is wandering through the desert after escaping:

Kevin: Guys...I'm having...Ishtar flashbacks...(starts gasping for breath) Mike: No! We're losing Kevin! Bill, give him 20cc of Lawrence of Arabia soundtrack, stat! Bill: Uh, roger! (starts humming Lawrence of Arabia music) (Kevin calms down) Mike: Oh, good...he's coming out of it, good. Kevin? Kevin: I-is that Peter O'Toole? Mike: Yes, Kevin, you trooper! Yes, it is Peter O'Toole! Bill: It is definitely not Warren Beatty or Dustin Hoffman! (A helicopter flies over Tony Stark from out of nowhere.) Mike: Oh no! Kevin: (gasping again) Ishtar...can't breathe... Bill: Sorry! (starts humming Lawrence of Arabia music again)

• "Summer 2009: Robert Downey, Jr. IS John Henry!!!"
• "Doctor's got a Ph. D. in killing you."
• "Xanadude: L. A. home of Charles Foster Kane III."
• When Tony first attacks the terrorists in the cave with the original suit:

Kevin: The new and improved Tin Man! Bill: Oil can replaced by can of Whoop-Ass. Mike: Seth Rogen--assassin.

• This little bit when Stark returns to the Middle East village:

Bill (as Iron Man): Give me a reason not to smite thee! Kevin: I'm being held captive here against my will! Bill: Can't hear you, smiting.

• Or this when we meet the, aptly named, main villain.

Announcer: Howard Stark's lifelong friend and ally, Obadiah Stane All: Obadiah Stane?! Bill: Did they consider naming him "Menacing T. Badperson"?

• At the start of Tony's press conference.

Stane: [over a microphone, audible pause] Aaahh... Kevin: That's a moose! Okay now you do an animal.

• Any joke about Robert Downey, Jr.'s past everlasting drug problems.
  • Mike: HEROIN! I mean HELP!
  • Kevin: I WANT COCAINE! I mean GET ME OUT OF HERE!
  • Bill: VALIUM! I mean OH MY GOD!
• "I brought you some steak and some spinach; your diet needs more iron, man! (laughs weakly).
• Keanu Reeves monologue. Nuff said.
• Turning Pepper into The Ditz. "Which one is Spider-Man?"
• Bill's "Ow!" as the mask slams shut over Tony's face.

Jaws

• Kevin's opera note as wrong!shark's mouth is pulled open.
• As the town meets over the recent shark attacks, and Quint scrapes the chalkboard with his nails

Bill (as Quint) Attention. I dropped a rolo and i can't find it. so if you find a rolo, its MINE

• As the Trio are about to set off to hunt the shark, and Brody is kissing his wife

Quint Break it up, will ya chief!! Daylight's wastin'!! Kevin (as Quint) AND YA PROMISED YOU'D SAVE YOUR TENDEREST KISSES FOR ME! YOU BIG GAY YA!

• As the shark pulls Quint under:

Bill:Quint? You okay man?

• The shark bursts through the wall:

"Oh Yeah!"

• "Thirty-eight colorful and barely coherent Quint stories later..."
• "Day Two; or, as it would come to be known: The day Quint ate Hooper."

Jurassic Park

• When the Brachiosaur is first seen:

Weird Al: "The utter majesty... Imagine how much dog food you could make with just one!"

• As the Jeep drives to the Visitor Center:

Weird Al: Is that a dinosaur? Mike: No. Weird Al: Is that a dinosaur? Mike: No! Weird Al: Is that a dinosaur? Mike: NO! Weird Al: This park sucks....

• "Time to run amok! Where are the Japanese?!
• "I'm a sadistic bastard!"
• "Aah! A human!"
• Our heroes are blocked by a fence that may or may not be electrified:

Weird Al: Timmy; you have a high tolerance for pain...

• "BOY! OR! GIRL!?"
• After Dr. Grant and the kids first escape from the T-Rex.

Alex: He left us! HE LEFT US! Grant: But that's not what I'm going to do. Mike: I have darker plans for you!

• "Shhhhhh, be vewwy vewwy quiet. I'm hunting waptors"
• *thunder crashes* "PLAY ME WILL YOU?!"
• When we first meet Hammond:

John Hammond: I can tell instantly about people - it's a gift. Mike Nelson: I go mainly by skin colour!

• Nedry giggles happily as Dodgson gives him a bag full of money:

Weird Al: Poor sap thinks the bag is full of bacon.

The Last Airbender

• Just after Sokka pops up, we get this gem:

"Insta-Douchebag!"

• Iroh: When you wake we'll have tea together before we start the engines, eh?
  Bill: Let's go get something to eat, HUUUUUUH?
• Kevin: (As Pakku, fending off the Fire Nation with some less than impressive waterbending) Behold the awesome power of my grand-niece's Super Soaker!
• Mike: [as Katara] Just F.Y.I., that big flying panda thing of yours... he drowned.
  Bill: [as Aang sobbing]
  Mike: And your flying monkey cat.
  Bill: Yes?
  Mike: He lived.
  Bill: [sobs harder] Oh dammit! Dammit!
• [A soldier walks up and whispers to Zhao, played by Aasif Mandvi]

Mike: [as soldier] Sir, I just checked. The whole Daily Show crew is making fun of you, even John Oliver. Kevin: [as Mandvi] Wha- Oliver?! But he was in the freakin' Love Guru! Mike: Love Guru has more than double our tomato meter ranking, sir. Kevin: DAMMIT!

• [When Zuko talks to the boy in the Fire Nation colony]

Zuko: You seem like a smart boy. Bill: I LIKE TURTLES! Kevin: Okay, maybe not...

• Aang: We were forced under the water of the ocean.
  Bill: The water of the ocean, much like the air of the sky or the flame of the fire.
• And of course, the obligatory Harpo joke

Mike: Wait, that's... I'm ashamed to know this, but that's the Harpo guy from Twilight isn't he? Kevin: I'm ashamed to confirm, but yes. Mike: Our shame is great. Kevin: Perdurable shame.

• [An old Earth Kingdom man leads Aang to a shed.]

Old Man: These are all tools related to bending. Kevin: Well Harpo's a tool and he's related to a bender. Bill: Lock him in the shed!

• As the boy narrates Zuko's Backstory

Boy: Fire Lord Ozai burned his son, to teach him a lesson. Mike: The lesson: Never put the pizza box in the fridge if there's only one slice left.

• As Admiral Zhao confronts the Blue Spirit:

Zhao: Who are you? Why are you doing this? Bill: (As Zhao) I mean, I know you're a cosplay character from some lame Anime series, but I can't place you.

• As Zhao briefs Ozai on the Avatar's rescue:

Ozai: And you think. My son is this... person they are calling THE Blue Spirit? Mike: (As Zhao) I don't know where you got that from, my liege. Mostly they call him "The Masked Homo".

• [Zuko in the Southern Water tribe]

Zuko: BRING ME ALL YOUR ELDERLY! Mike: I NEED THEIR PREPERATION H FOR MY FACE OWIES!

• Zuko: Don't even try to escape, THIS IS A WARSHIP!- [Aang flips over a table]

Bill (As Zuko): Ah, in hindsight maybe we should have tried something stronger than saying "Don't even try to escape" at least handcuffs! Something! Mike (As Iroh): Hey, don't beat yourself up, you said "Don't even try to escape". Who knew he would try to escape despite your saying that? It's not your fault. Bill:Hmm, thanks man, that really helps.

• "Hello, plot? Motivation? Audience Interest?"
• Zhao: With this information, we can bring down the water tribe city.
  (Ozai's actor looks toward the Camera)
  Bill (as Zhao): King? King,YO! I'm over here king!
• PEBBLE DANCE

Kevin: Let us never speak of what just happened again.

• A bunch of fire nation soldiers running away

Mike: Those guys aren't running from Aang, they just got accused of eyeing some lady's lemon drink back there.

• • Several Scenes Later.

Kevin: Oh no, it's the wind from The Happening. Mike: What? Ma'am, no, not the wind.

• Aang practicing waterbending

Mike: Oh great water god Matthew McConaughey, grant that I may remain forever shirtless. Bill (in southern accent): Well, alright....

• Yue doing her thing.

Bill: Almost as dramatic as the time the earth princess sacrificed her life for the dead ficus tree.

• Oh,sure his light up tattoo looks fancy, but it's just there to remind him where his nose is.
• The whole practice area sequence
• Also, airline safety dance.
• Introducing Zhao: The Daily Show's Senior Taking-a-Role-for-the-Paycheck Correspondent. And also:

Zhao:[spotting Zuko's ship] The banished Prince. Let's offer him lunch. Mike: Which one of you two can yell the loudest?

• Run! M. Night's making his cameo back there!
• Kevin [as Zuko]: I have no time to think about girls when I'm obsessing over a 12-year-old boy. Wait. That Came Out Wrong.
• As Zhao dies a watery death:

Bill: Back...to you..Jon...ugh.

• "Hey, Mr. Avatar, you're causing all the toilets in town to back up."
• Any time Aang is referred to as a Jawa.
• Iroh's first appearance:

Kevin: Hey, man, like, what have you done with Cheech, man?

• Iroh tests Aang's Avatar abilities by pouring water on the table:

Bill: When the blind serve drinks.

• Zhao sees Zuko again:

Zhao: I killed you! Mike: (as Zuko) I got better.

• After knocking Katara out:

Zuko: I'm not allowed to go without him. Kevin: (as Katara, said perkily) That's nice; I'm unconscious!

• One of the title cards:

Mike: You know, I tried reading the Water book; I found it a little dry.

• "So do you think they mean 'bender' the way British people use it?" "Google it, folks!"
• Kevin vocalizing Aang's Dull Surprise while entering the Northern Water Tribe.
• When a Firebender looks up at the wave caused by Aang, turns around and points to it - "Frag One!"
• After Zhao removes his cape and nervously puts it down - "I'll take off more. Don't think I won't take off more!"
• During Katara's opening seen, showing her waterbending.

"Ultimately BP resorted to witchcraft to clean up the Gulf."

• As Aang fights off a horde of Fire Nation soldiers in a stone dais thing:

Bill: (thoughtfully) You know, that looks like a lot of effort. He should just get a gun.

• When Zhao is about to kill the moon spirit and asks Iroh why the gods insist on giving themselves such vulnerable physical forms:

Iroh: To teach man kindness and humility. Close up of the sack holding the soon-to-be-dead moon spirit* Kevin: Workin' out great.

• As all the soldiers/citizens stop to watch the tidal wave rising up over the city during the climactic final battle:

Mike: You know, if it were me, I'd try and resist the urge to look up in wonder and just go around stabbing the other guys until they caught on to me.

Memento

• The Running Gag involving Burt's the motel manager's missing pet raccoon.
• "SHIRTS! SHIRTS! THEY'RE COMING TO GET ME!"
• (At the end of the film) "Hi, I'm Mike Nelson, and welcome to Rifftrax..."
• "Memento: HOT, BACKING UP ACTION, PULLING CAREFULLY FORWARD LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN!"

Nestor The Long-Eared Christmas Donkey

• When Nestor returns home as Roger Miller sings:

Mike (as Nestor): "Guy that beat me and killed my mother, you're my best friend of all!"

• Mike and Disembaudio arguing over the appropriateness of Mike using the word "ass" to describe the donkey narrator.

Paranormal Activity

• The riffers making fun of, among other things about Micah, his name:

Micah: Show yourself! Mike: When guys named "Micah" try to act tough, we all lose.

Kevin: Parents, more evidence that naming your child "Micah" never ends well.

Mike: By the way, guys, just wanted to correct a little error I've let go for too long: my name is spelled M-I-K-E, but it's pronounced "Meek".

Bill: Yeah, don't trash-talk the phantoms when your name is "Micah"; it's not gonna work.

(Doorbell rings) Bill: Demon~! I'll just leave 'im on the porch, okay? (Katie answers the door) Bill: (growly, demonic voice) '"COME WITH ME TO HELL!!!"

• (Pretending to read with the planchette on Ouija board): T-H-I-S-M-O-V-I-E-B-L-O-W-S
• The riffers' reaction to the ridiculously small areas where Micah puts powder on the ground to pick up the demon's footprints:

"And, provided the thing can't jump or take an average sized stride, we WILL catch it!"

• The talk the riffers have about a Hollywood adaptation of Goodnight Moon, in which they believe Shia Leboeuf is destined for the role as the bowl of mush.
• Mike: So let me introduce you to someone who IS familiar with demons; his name is Michael Bay.
• Micah: Hey, we haven't had anything interesting happen in a while!

Bill: Wow, he's doing our job for us. Mike: This might be our first self-riffing movie!

• Mike (as Micah): Here, let me sing you a lullaby: PLEASE ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF, I'M A MAN...

Reign of Fire

• * singing* "I fell in to a burnin' Reign of Fire!/ McConaughey peeled off his shirt/ and the flames got higher!"
• When a man and a boy explore a cave:

Man (to Boy): Why don't you go inside and have a wee look?" Kevin (as Man): That way, when I hear your muffled screams, I'll be able to estimate the size of the cave-in." and Mike: Well, they drilled right into the side of the Batcave, killing Alfred and Robin instantly. Batman remains in intensive care.

• (As a child) "YAY!!! I get to sleep in the same room with a depressed, hairy man!!!!"
• "My ugly senses are tingling!"
• (About the dragon) "Are we gonna get a bigger boat? We need a bigger boat."
• "INCOMPREHENSIBLE PANICKED YELLING!!!" "Yeah, well, INCOMPREHENSIBLE PANICKED YELLING BACK AT YOU!!!!!"
• This moment:

Kevin: That's right men--vigorously defend our smelly crap-hole! Mike (doing a damn good Winston Churchill impression): We will fight to the cistern. We will fight to the garbage-strewn towers. We will fight to the dank, rat-infested basement. We will NEVER SURRENDER!!!...Probably.

• "Alright, just like we practiced men: panic and scatter. Panic and scatter!"
• Any scene where they make fun of Matthew McConaughey (there are too many to list).

Roadhouse

• The entire monologue about "I used to fuck guys like you in prison!". "Do you still keep in touch with them? Did you hang around and talk afterwards or was it purely sexual?"

Dalton: Pain don't hurt. Mike: I think by its very definition it does.

The Room

• Brain Bleach: Every sex scene is greeted with horror by any who watch them, but especially when Kevin sees Tommy Wiseau's pasty white rear end.

Kevin: DISCONNECT! (electric shock) DISCONNECT! (electric shock) DISCONNECT! (electric shock)

• [Lisa orders a pizza]

Lisa: Half Canadian bacon with pineapple, half artichoke with pesto and light on the cheese. Mike: Ah yes, Domino's WTF-special.

• Crowning Music of Awesome. Kevin and Bill singing "There's a Hole in My Bucket", and taking it too far.

Mike: No, NOT HAMBONE!

• Ear Worm: The mention of Loverboy gives Mike and an earworm of Working For the Weekend.
• Epileptic Trees: Is the film secretly a sly dadaist joke? Does Mark possess the God-like power to hear the film's soundtrack? Will Johnny come back as a zombie in a sequel entitled The Tomb?
• Melodrama: The Disembaudio sequences during the movie's sex scenes. This movie manages to destroy the lives of Disembaudio and all of his friends and family.
  • Though with the exception of Dis's Grandmother and G-Dimes, and we guess Walter, they were all pretty horrible people and kinda deserved it.
  • Disembaudio's rant about his addiction to horse tranquilizers and the fact that he's committed several murders recently will probably bring tears to your eyes.
• Running Gag: They riff on the football motif, mention the mom's cancer everytime she is mentioned or shown, and have Johnny saying "Oh hi" to everything. There's more.
  • "Oh hi, Mark!" "Oh hi, Denny!" "Oh hi, Movie Theater!" "Oh hi, Sidewalk!" "Oh hi, Newspaper!" "Oh hi, Entrance!" "Oh hi, Michelle!" "Oh hi, Lisa!" "Oh hi, Denny!" "Oh hi, Underwear Story!" "Oh hi, Answering Machine!" "Oh hi, Mark, again!" "Oh hi, Doggie!" "Oh hi, Lisa!" "Oh hi, Building!" "Oh hi, Embarcadero!" "Oh hi, Darkness!" "Oh hi, Gun Barrel!" "Oh hi, Mark!" "Oh hi, Mark! Hi, Denny! Hi, Lisa! I'm dead, you know..."
• Sanity Slippage: After one bizarre and inexplicable piece of dialogue after another between Peter, Johnny, and Mark:

Bill: We have fully descended into madness, people, and it's not even at the one hour mark. Kevin: I can't take it anymore! Mike: Oh, you're just a little chicken, Kevin. CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP! Chicken Kevin.

• • See Crowning Music of Awesome above.
• Take That: Kevin compares Tommy Wiseau's multiple production credits as producer, writer, director, and actor as a modern M. Night Shyamalan. Mike tells Kevin not to insult Tommy Wiseau with that comparison.
  • The riff about of Lisa and her friends discussing which one of them is Edward Cullen's wife
• A Call Back to, of all things, Prince of Space! "I like you VERY MUCH!"

Santa And The Ice Cream Bunny

• Kevin's horrified screams upon seeing the weird bug things in the "Thumbelina" segment.
  • Kevin then states he's certain that there's already Fanfic devoted to them. Bill pipes in, "Rule 34!"
• Any time the riffers remind us that Santa is telling the Thumbelina story to the kids, and imitate what his narration for some of the strange/boring/painful parts must be like.

Bill: (as a kid) Wait, the lady on the loudspeaker is a ground-dwelling animal of some sort? What's going on here?! Kevin: (as Santa) Enough questions! Guy in the gorilla suit, shut that kid up, will ya?

• During the painful sequence where Santa attempts to attach a sheep to his sleigh

Mike: Guys if you close your eyes during these scenes it takes on a whole new context. Give it a try! Santa: COME ON! OOHHHH! OH, HARDER! Kevin: (amid mutual groans of horror) Gah! your right! Santa: Well, now he is in the wrong way! Kevin: (now utterly horrified and disgusted) OH MY!! Santa: Let's get him out again... OHH, HARDER!! Bill: OH, YOUR A BAD MAN MIKE! I'm going to open my eyes now! Santa: HARDER!! HARDER, ohhhhhh... Kevin: GAH, IM STILL SEEING IT!

• And the above is immediately preceded by this bit

Santa: (as he lumbers out of the sleigh to help attach the aforementioned sheep to his sleigh) let me see what we can do (gets out of the sleigh revealing a hideous brown stain on the backside of his santa costume) Bill: "DEAR GOD! you can start by getting your Santa pants dry cleaned"

• During a close up of the Ice Cream Bunny:

Bill: (as Ice Cream Bunny) HRRRRR HRRRRR HRRRRR! HRRRRR HRRRRR HRRRRR! HRRRRR HRRRRR HRRRRR!

• Mike becoming increasingly fed up with Bill's Running Gag about Mr. Digger's Bronx accent. "Now let's go get some nice pastrami at the deli."
• Their riffing on the "Santa"

Mike (as "santa" stands up to greet the ice cream bunny, directly blocking out the sun to the camera) BOW DOWN BEFORE ME PUNY HUMANS! COWER IN FEAR AS I BLOCK OUT YOUR SUN!!!

• And as Santa seems to fall into unconsciousness after the kids leave

Mike He, hes Dead!? the sun Killed him! Kevin All Hail the SUN!

• The group's reaction to the various nightmarish animals that appear

The Frog: What i need is a little girl! Kevin: GAH!! the Woody Allen of Frogs! The Frog: Thats what I need alright! I wonder where my mother is? Mike: (in a horrified murmer) man that is one messed up amphibian!

• • their reaction to the bug/wasp/cthulhu like things as they hop their way across the screen

Kevin (perfectly calm) Ah... well... Guys if you don't mind I've got this one Mike Ah great, ok then Kevin (inhales deeply) AAAAAARRRGHMYGOD!!! ARRRGRGRGGTHISISTERRIBLE!!! AAAIIRRGGH!!! PLEASEGODWHATISIT!!! AAAIIIRRGGHH!!!

• • and their reaction to Mrs Mole's "Mole Supremicism"

Mrs Mole: (on the subject of the aforementioned frog) Frogs are terrible looking. We moles think they are FILTHY creatures. Bill: Unlike God's chosen race, the MOLE!

• "Well, that's it. I officially have no idea what we're looking at, why we're here, or even who I am anymore."
• Kevin's Heroic BSOD after the entire Thumbelina story doesn't change a thing in the Santa story. "I'll pull the sleigh! I'll marry Mr. Digger! I'll do whatever you want!"
• As the Ice Cream Bunny drives the kids in his vintage fire engine to save Santa, the guys are left speechless.

Mike:"Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in 150+ movies, Rifftrax has nothing to say." Bill: "Just this. Enjoy."

• Their theories of what exactly they're seeing and why- ranging from a seriously bad drug trip to the studio exploding and them being in hell while Satan himself considers that forcing them to watch the film might be a little too harsh.
• Their reaction to Thumbelina's criteria for an ideal husband

Thumbelina I just wish there was someone younger, or someone who was handsome, someone who was a human being like i am, (bill starts giggling) someone who will come and take me in his arms. I would be happy to be his wife Bill Human Being. A distant, third priority for her.

• "We came through time, space, and the boundaries of fiction to see that?"

Sherlock Holmes

• On the sergeant found dead at the end.

Clark: I'm afraid sewage workers found his body just this morning. MJ Elliott: Ah, so the body was in-turd.

Terminator: Salvation

• As Marcus dies in the end of the prologue, the movie fades to white, and "Directed by McG" appears on the screen.

Kevin: If this is the last thing I see when I die, I will assume I'm going to hell.

• Any jokes pertaining to Marcus and his having been in Avatar.
• As John Connor steps onto the landing site:

Mike (as John): "Thanks for the ride, Harrison!" Kevin (as Harrison Ford): "GET OFF MY PLANE!"

• As the Harvester first appears:

Mike: Hey, I think I'm in the wrong movie. You guys seen a douchy, stammering kid running around with a stripper?

• Any joke referencing Christian Bale's infamous tirade (which came from the shooting of this movie).
  • "Don't mention the lights in front of Mr. Bale! Oh, who gave him explosives?!"
  • "Hurry--get out of Christian Bale's light!"
  • (As John Connor is stranded on a crashed and sinking helicopter) "He's wondering how he can blame this on the lighting guy." "Oh, good for you, you broke my helicopter - and how was it?"
• "(in a Batman-like voice) They know what you are, even if you don't!" "ROAR!"
  • "WHAT ARE YOU!?" "I don't know." "ALRIGHT, I WAS JUST CURIOUS, THAT'S ALL!"
• When Marcus encounters Kyle Reese (looking much like a street urchin)

Marcus: What day is it? Bill (as Reese with a Dickens street urchin voice) Why Christmas Day sir!!

Thor

• The description brings up the 1985 Dork Age where Thor was turned into a frog and led a frog army, concluding with "This actually happened and you should look it up right now."
• When Selvig says Thor's on steroids: "Just check his balls. They're tiny!"
• Odin breaking his toe, twice.
• Mike and Kevin's outrage that Bill would say anyone is as bad as the cast of Jersey Shore.
• "Is there something in my mouth?"
• After a tender scene in the RV, it cuts to a fire.

Bill: THEN SHE BURNED HIM ALIVE AND ATE HIS FLESH!!!! Kevin: Wow, what a shocking and audacious ending.

• After Loki reveals his blue skin to Odin: "Okay, okay. I knocked up Violet Beauregarde."
• The endless fun they have with the word Odinsleep.
• Thor can't lift Mjolnir: "Must I now whack moles with my bare hands?"
• Lampshade Hanging how expected the Actor Allusion jokes have become: "To avoid crucifixion by The Wire fans, we're obliged to point out that this guy played Stringer Bell."
• As Mjolnir is thrown to Earth: "Oh, please be found by a mischievous monkey!"
• "I only have one hand! Oh right, the eye patch."
• When Loki is lying under Thor's hammer:

Mike: My horns are stuck.

• This:

Thor: You can't kill an entire race! Loki: Why not? Mike: Ah, the rarely-used 'why not' defense of genocide.

• As Thor enters the halls of Valhalla to triumphant fanfare:

Bill:(As Thor) That's right! GOT A COMIC BOOK DEAL BABY!

• Disembaudio singing along with the Foo Fighters over the credits.

Titanic

• Capt. Smith as the Titanic sets off.

Kevin: I'm going to sink this bitch!

• • Also counts as a CMOF for Mystery Science Theater 3000, as this line was also used when Mike and the 'Bots viewed clips of Titanic during an Oscar special.
• as Rose, Ruth, and Cal admire the Titanic

Ruth: So this is the ship they say is unsinkable. Cal: It is unsinkable. God Himself could not sink this ship. [a deckhand calls for Cal] Deckhand: Sir! Sir! Bill [as Deckhand]: Sir, the captain has asked if you would please stop foreshadowing! [later] Jack: We're the luckiest sons of bitches in the world, you know that?! Bill: Aw, man,Cameron's beyond foreshadowing now. He is five-shadowing!

• (As the flashback starts to the ship) CGI! CGI! CGI
• Jack: Come on!
  • Bill: Into Molly Brown's changing room... OH MY GOD!!! OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN!!!
• At the end when the camera pans from 1997 Rose past a series of pictures of her in her cabin meant to show her life after the Titanic accident they point out how narcissistic it makes her look and have her talking about her cropping other people out of her pictures and objecting even to the presence of a horse in one.
• Whenever Rose's mother appears talking, they start humming a circus style music.
• On the scenes that sets the people in the high-class area, and the people on the basements, the three start to chatter on "business" and "gambling", respectively, and in the same manner on both scenes.
• Singing "Poker Face" to the tune of "Nearer My God to Thee."
• After saying "I regret nothiiiing!" several times in regards to the people falling off the ship, this happens:

Kevin: I regret- OOOH!! Hitting the propeller! WOW that hurt!

• As a passenger falls to his death on the capsizing Titanic:

Mike: I bet I can count to 15 before I hit the water! 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 321!

• "I have to admit, I totally saw that coming."
• Bill: (in a snooty tone of voice) Time for a crunk party. ...Bitches.
• Disembaudio's rendition of "My Heart Will Go On." He gets a little too into it...
• "Dear diary...I saw boobs today."

Troll 2

• "Drew has broken free! He's trying to flee the set!"
• At the beginning of the movie:

Grampa Seth: Goblins still exist! Rich Kyanka: I fought them in World War 2 just yesterday!

Warriors of the Wasteland

• A Call Back, of all things, to Birdemic.

Kevin: (singing) Just hanging out, hanging out, hanging out with my enemies, having ourselves a party!

• There is also a Call Back to The Room. When the film goes into a softcore Cinemax's style porn scene, Kevin exclaims, "Tommy Wiseau has ripped control of the film!" Naturally, Disembaudio walks in at this moment, just as he did in The Room, and once again calls the trio perverts.

The Wicker Man

• The infamous bike scene:

Edward: Get off the bike. Mike: (as Sister Rose) It's a girl's bike. Edward: Get off the bike! Kevin: (as Sister Rose) I said, it's a girl's bike. Edward: (pulls out his gun) Step away from the bike! Mike: (as Sister Rose) Fine, if you want to look like an idiot on a girl's bike.

• And school girls' Straw Feminist rant.
• Pretty much every time the ridiculously masculine Sister Beech is on screen, expect to crack up like a lunatic. She's obviously their favorite thing about the movie.
  • For instance, after Edward knocks her out with a single punch:

Kevin: Well, the 'never strike a woman' rule is still intact, it being Sister Beech and all

• • Late in the movie, when Mike mistakes her for Kevin James.
• "When I think of getting jumped by Leelee Sobiesky, it's a little different."

Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory

• The intro includes a fantastic Shout-Out: Disembaudio challenging guest-riffer Neil Patrick Harris to a Slap Bet.
• "Nintendo Sixty FOUUUU-I mean a Golden Ticket! Yippie!"
• Chemistry class:

Mike: Neil, can I ask you to go ahead and mix together some of my special chemicals I brought into the studio today? Neil: Of course, Mike. I see no reason whatsoever not to mix together whatever chemicals I'm handed at any given time. Mike: That's what I like to hear. (BOOOOOOM!) Disembaudio: Mike! You've blown up stage, screen and television actor Neil Patrick Harris! Mike: Nooooooo!

• When the news reports that two of the five tickets have been found:

Reporter: Whatever corner of the globe we're in, which ever of the five continents we're on... Neil: So they go nuts for Wonka Bars even in grim, socialist, dystopian societies? Disembaudio: Oh? Is this set in France? Mike: Disembaudio~ once again coming out of nowhere to spank the French!

• "Mom saw a dull flicker of hope and snuffed it out right at the source. Way to go, mom."
• Math class.

Mr. Turkentine: Today, we're going to learn...(draws a circle on the black board) Mike: ...how to play Hangman! Mr. Turkentine: ...about percentages. (talks for a while — shot of the class groaning) Mike: (imitating children's voice) THIS IS HISTORY CLASS!

• "Where have I seen that deluded look of hope before--oh, yeah! A craps table at 4:00 a.m.!
• When Charlie and his grandfather pine over a Wonka bar that may or may not have the Golden Ticket inside:

Mike: Neil, I don't want to know what happens next, but just tell me this...are dreams crushed? Neil: Obliterated. Not an atom of hope or joy anywhere to be found.

• Just before they enter:

Mike: Joe's pointing out all the people that couldn't vote the last time he was out of bed. Veruca Salt: I want to go in first, before anyone else! Mr. Salt: Anything you say, sweetheart. Neil Patrick Harris: I can't believe I forgot mah bloody flask.

• In the very tiny room, just before the factory itself:

Mr. Salt: You're a bleedin' nut, Wonka! No one can get through there! Neil Patrick Harris: Sam-B would have to a~gree! (SLAP) Neil Patrick Harris: Ugh! Mike: Disembaudio! You just slapped Neil Patrick Harris! Disembaudio: Hey, I just did what we were both thinking. I keeps it real, Neil! Neil Patrick Harris: Ouch! Yes, I get it--very real.

• When Willy Wonka sings for the first time:

Mike: Hey, I wore nearly that identical outfit to prom. (Beat) Neil Patrick Harris: ...wow. Mike: Now that I think about it, though, my tie wasn't nearly that subdued.

• When the kids are licking the walls:

Veruca Salt: Snozzberries? Who ever heard of a snozzberry? Mike: (as Wonka turns Salt's head toward him) Look, Salt, I swear to god, I will cut you!

• When Willy Wonka starts shouting during the Creepy Tunnel Scene from Hell:

Neil Patrick Harris: And if you're ready Mike, may I offer you a wide-awake nightmare? Mike: Why...yes! Neil Patrick Harris: I don't mind if you do! Neil Patrick Harris: This is for all the eight-year-olds who dropped blotter acid before going to see the film. Mike: Salvador Dali took one look at this scene and said, "Hey, man! This is too weird even for me!" Wonka (singing): There's no earthly way of knowing....which direction we are going.... Mike: You know what would be funny — if you were an airline pilot and get on the intercom and do this exact thing. Neil Patrick Harris: This is what I imagine it's like to spend time with Tim Burton.

• After drinking the special soda:

Mike: You think this is a metaphor? You know, for...getting high? Neil Patrick Harris: ..."metaphor"? Heck, no! I think they were high when they filmed this! And when they wrote it, filmed it, screened it, ate lunch, slept, took showers. There was more THC passing through that movie set than through the whole Burning Man festival.

• During Veruca's "I Want It Now" song:

Mike: Did you ever do this on the set of How I Met Your Mother? Just dance around, singing a song of your contractual demands? Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah. Just the other day I knocked em' dead with a five minute show-tune about the kind of cold-cuts I demanded to have in my trailer. Standing-O, my friend. (as Veruca Salt trashes the room) Gosh, I didn't do this exactly; during my dance break, I ran around punching crew guys and lighting small fires.

• "A stiff thumbs-up shows the kids today you're 'down' with the 'music' and the 'scene' and the 'Pogs'."
• The confusion over which country the movie takes place in, including "Maybe it's set before the American Revolution" and "Hope he doesn't get mugged on the mean streets of Englameripoland."
• During "Pure Imagination":

Wonka: If you want to view paradise... Neil Patrick Harris: (finishing the lyric) Simply watch another movie!

X-Men

• During the opening scene:

Mike: Oh...Oh, do you really get to use the Holocaust in your silly little comic book movie? Bill: It doesn't seem fair, but I guess they're doin' it...

• On Wolverine's facial hair:

Mike: You know, I don't think the Martin Van Buren mutton chops quite cut it anymore, now that it's not 1825 and all." Bill: I think he should try a beard with no mustache for a fresher, more 1863 look.

• "Shouldn't he get back to the University of Michigan and start being their mascot?"
• "Cerebro?" "Magneto?" "Yes, Cerebro." "Why, thank you, Magneto!" "Hello, Cerebro." "Yes, Magneto." "Well, Magneto, I guess." "Cerebro."
• On Cerebro (their favorite thing in the whole movie):

Bill: Such a subtle name. Mike: Yeah, he nearly called it "Brains A-Poppin'."

• A nice Take That at a certain other movie in the series:

Charles: This is a school for gifted mutants. Wolverine: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Mike: Then you've never seen X-Men 3.

Gears of War 3

• On the COG armor:

Mike: Those chestplates indicate the actual size of their nipples. Yeah, the future is gross.

• When Cole Train enters his old locker room.

Bill: (as Cole) My old locker room! (sighs dreamily) Saw a lot of nude men in here, yep. Mike: THRILL as a grown man grows nostalgic!

At Your Fingertips: Boxes

Bill: Forget playing stickball, Timmy, slap on another coat of FUSCHIA!!! Kevin: Oh yes!

Beginning Responsibility: Taking Care of Your Own Things

Pillow: "You see, Reggie? We are not happy." Bill: "And when we're not happy, people die, Reggie, people die!"

• "Aww, isn't that cute, they expect us to believe Reggie is capable of comprehending chess."
  • "Reggie strongly believes that Rooks are the best-tasting chess piece."
  • "No problem, harder checkers!"

Bill: Horace was already bitter from being named "Horace"

The Calendar - How To Use It

Bill: Mind if I dial up the gay?

• The "music" by the Scott Baio Expy.

Bill: This guy could instantly win a "Make Everyone Hate You" competition. Kevin: Lord, this is making me actually miss High School Musical. Mike: You know, because of him, I now hate time itself.

• The moment when Mike, Kevin and Bill's heads exploded at the sheer ingenuity of the calendar.

Narrator: Due to the untimely deaths of Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy, Rifftrax has been canceled. We apologize for the inconvenience, and we blame the calendar.

The Case of Tommy Tucker

Bill:CAN'T MY HUGE FEATHER HELP IN ANY WAY?????

• The opening playlet:

Bill: Gah!!! Mike: Wicker Man: The Musical! Kevin: (to the tune of "Hooray for Hollywood") Not the bees! Not, not, not the bee-EEE-eees!"

Christmas Dream

Kevin: I'M COMING FOR YOU!!!

• As the rag doll is blowing away some paper with an electric fan:

Kevin: Oh no, my manuscript about a sparkly boy vampire and the dull girl obsessed with him.

Christmas Rhapsody

• Kevin combining "Angels We Have Heard on High" with "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga.
• The running gag involving the tree constantly referring itself as being "small and of no account", to the point that Mike, Kevin, and Bill keep referencing it in the other Xmas shorts that they've riffed.
  • "I can't deposit money at the bank. Why? No account."

Coffeehouse Rendezvous

• "I harmonize badly!", featuring some Hollywood Tone Deaf turns from the guys.
• The obviously stoned students being interviewed at various points.
• The ending segment with the church coffeehouse, ending with a bunch of kids filing out of the place while the narrators go on and on about how popular coffeehouses are.

Cooking Terms

Narrator:Cream the butter? Better get the cream! Bill:This narrator seems deeply invested in her failure. Narrator:That's right. Pour it in! The recipe says cream the butter so put in lots of cream! Kevin:That's right. Ruin the cake! Just like every woman I've ever known has RUINED MY LIFE!

• Narrator: To cream butter merely means to work it with an instrument until it becomes soft and smooth.

Bill: Now is that clear or would you like to douse it in cream again, you empty-headed bint?!

• During the jelly demonstration, the narrator mentions the "sheet from the spoon" test, which the guys hear as the "sheep from a spoon test".

Bill: (barely containing his laughter) You'll need an adult sheep!

Cops - Who Needs Them?

• "Just don't sit on the DRUG-SNIFFING HAMSTER!" Wheeeeee!
• Rifftrax's new favorite character, Frank!
  • "What Frank?"

Cork Crashes And Curiosities

• The increasingly ridiculous Irish Accents used by the trio
• As racing cars are unloaded from the docks after the narrator notes how only rich countries like Ireland can afford to host racing

Mike: (cheerfully in a fake irish accent) Anyway we did that instead of fighting World War Two... Erin Go Bragh!

• The Running Gag revolving around the mysterious "Irish Sweep" billboards that are repeatedly seen

Mike: Im getting a sudden urge for an Irish Sweep, I hope thats not anything dirty Kevin: IRISH SWEEP! MUST BUY UNKNOWN PRODUCT OF INDETERMINATE PURPOSE NAMED IRISH SWEEP! Kevin: EH LOOK AT EM GO Bill: ALRIGHT FOR RACING! Mike: IRISH SWEEP IS MADE OUT OF PEOPLE!!

Don't Be A Bloody Idiot

• This is an Australian short about safety when hunting/hiking/camping out in the bush. The guys however, interpret "the bush" as something...dirtier, and their reactions to anything that could be even remotely suggestive are the funniest parts of the short.

Kevin: (after the short shows several newspaper clippings about people who've died out in the bush) I'm taking a vow of celibacy!

• Also, when the host of the short starts naming several important items to take when camping, the guys are anxious for him to mention a particular essential cutting implement. When he finally gets to it...

Host: (picking up a small Swiss Army knife) ...a knife... Mike: What...What?! That's a knife?! Make up your mind, Australia! Bill: So inconsistent!

Down and Out

• When there's an unfortunate close-up of the characters crotch, framed by a harness:

Mike: GAH! Kevin: Speaking of "down and out"! Mike: Maybe he's just a stashing a piece of sidewalk chalk!

• Bill finally gets enough of the heavyhandedness of the short.

Bill: Wear a helmet and facemask AT ALL TIMES!!!

• • Then, when the short advises wearing a belt:

Mike: I don't wear a belt. Bill: (darkly) You're a dead man.

• Finally, Bill lays out the consequence of not following safe procedure:

Bill: You'll be stuffed into a jumpsuit, given brown dress shoes and a bad haircut and be forced to stumble around like Roberto Benigni!

Drawing For Beginners - The Rectangle

• The constant jokes about the extremely basic subject matter. "Wait, I haven't seen how paper works!"
• When drawing a little boy looking out a window to see it's raining oddly-shaped raindrops: "It's raining nooses! The universe is telling Willy to stop being a wuss and go for it!"
• "We need a more rudimentary film!"

Drugs Are Like That

• The entire damn Anvilicious short.
• Bill turning the opening song into a cereal commercial while a montage of drugs cascades down.
• All the jokes about the extreme lack of attention either child seems to be paying to their conversation.
  • "They oughtta check their house for carbon monoxide!"
  • "Why don't you LISTEN, you bonehead!"
  • Thousands died that day, and around the globe, people asked the same questions: "WHAT? WHADDYA MEAN? WHAT'S THAT?"
• Bill and Kevin trying to get out of watching the short, Mike forcing them to stay. It's reminiscent of the Hobgoblins episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Families: Earning and Spending

• In a case of perfect timing, there's a Running Gag about tentacle hentai during the segments about a Japanese family. Kevin berates Bill for the joke... then cut to a display playing a commercial featuring an octopus in a microwave. Kevin officially gives up.

Families: Food and Eating

• Running Gag about the Mexican family's haphazard eating schedule.

Candida(narration): We usually eat at my grandparents' house. My mother eats later, when my father comes home from work. Kevin: We're totally winging it schedule-wise until someone invents iCalendar.

• Then:

Candida (narration): Grandmother will eat her dinner later, after everyone else has eaten. Mike: This is getting awfully haphazard. Bill: Grandpa starts eating before everyone, then stops halfway through, and only resumes later that night when we've all gone to bed.

• Bricked later, with the Japanese family:

Hiroyuki (narration): My father works late, so he doesn't eat dinner with us. Bill: He eats with the Mexican grandmother.

Family Teamwork

• After the first kid learns he won't get the vacation he wanted.

Kid: " All I could think about was all of the fun I was going to miss out on. And then something funny happened: I stopped thinking about me and I started to think about how disappointed the whole family must be." Bill: "Their depression really picked me up!"

Flying Stewardess

• "The captain thanks you for keeping the plane snake-free."
• "Hi, Bob Executive. Which way is business?"
• One joke made better by the live riff: the frequent jokes at the expense of Ft. Worth, Texas were followed by "Sorry, Ft. Worth" once they realized that people there were watching it live.

Good Eating Habits

Narrator:After school, Bill was hungry. He was hungry, and he had some money. Mike:So he ate his money.

• At the end of the short, the film breaks, cutting off the narrator mid-sentence, leading to this gem:

Narrator: "And that..." Bill: "AH! THE BOMB!"

Grasses: At Your Fingertips

• "IS CORN GRASS?" and "IS BAMBOO CORN?" The question is never actually answered.
  • At later live shows, you'll find humorous facts shown on the screen before the show. One of them confirms that corn is, in fact, grass.
• The terrified reaction to the clay doll.

Mike: WHAT AM I?!?!

• Kevin running around on stage in a grass headdress and bowing to the kids in the grass masks. Later, he tries to pawn the headdress off to the other riffers. It doesn't work.
• The whole thing is so bizarre and hysterical that it is one of the best shorts they've ever riffed on.

Highway Mania

• After Kevin continuously makes a horrifically annoying siren sound, Bill stops him with a Crowning Moment of Awesome line:

Kevin? Don't take this the wrong way, but I will murder you, and smile while I do it.

Kangaroos

• The bullshit about wild lions at the start, which gets Mike all confused. Especially Kevin dubbing over the dog.
• During the demonstration of kangaroo "boxing", it's obvious that someone is holding the kangaroo up off-camera. "Nobody's helping me!"
• Kevin's desire to merchandize the kangaroo, including making bottle openers out of their scrotums, trying to recruit them for a basketball team which is immediately shot down and mentioning how delicious they are.

Little Lost Scent

• Kevin's "screaming goose" bit.

Lunchroom Manners

Narrator: But Mr Bungle didn't stop to wash his hands or comb his hair. He went right to lunch. Bill: Still, he was the cleanest person in the Taco Bell. Narrator: Then instead of waiting in line at the lunchroom, Mr Bungle pushed everyone aside and went right to the front. Mike: As the biggest, it was his right!

• Later on:

Narrator: Phil washed his hands well, with lots of soap. (Phil squirts far more soap than he needs onto his hand) Bill: He decided to take some soap home for his entire ten-person family!

• Mr. Bungle's name being used as a Madness Mantra.

Magically Disappearing Money

• First off, the Witch is the new Mr. B Natural of the 21st Century. Everything she does and says is so over-the-top quirky, the comedy comes from her trying to be kooky but coming off as an idiotic, creepy ditz.
• The jokes about the sale on breaded zucchini.
• Any joke about the witch's dark plans, culminating in "Join me in the dark abyss of savings!"
• When the cat from the witch's purse disappears: "I can haz freedom?"
• "Vote for Christine O'Donnell."
  • "I'm you."
• "Ahh, Beard completer!"
• When the witch makes a milkman disappear:

Bill: Please. Whatever you're thinking, donOH! OH GOD! HELL IS VERY HOT!

Monkey See, Monkey Do: Verbs

• "Monkeys like to play." "Mostly Last Train to Clarksville." SLAP "OW!"
• "Well, time to work on some flingin' material…"

(singing) Monkey see and monkey do Monkey eat and monkey POO!

More Dangerous Than Dynamite

• The entire short is about the once common practice of washing clothes... in gasoline.
• (As a housewife pours a pan of gasoline in her kitchen) "Wait they were serious about the whole washing clothes in gasoline?"
• (As a housewife) "Oh no! Something somehow went wrong with my pan of gasoline!"
• (As a safety inspector, inspecting a gasoline based dry cleaning business) "Sure you can wash clothing in gasoline here. You're wasting my time even asking!"
• (As a worker escaped from a gasoline fire) "Why can't we just use soap and water!?"
• An announcer discusses all the safety features commerical dry cleaners have, then cut to a woman washing clothes in her home.

Announcer But what chance does the housewife have without these safety features? Mike Well she could not wash her clothes in gasoline that would be a start.

• Kevin has some nice stuff, apparently, in the live version.

Kevin: "[BOOM] My car! [BOOM] My Mountain! [BOOM] My bridge! [BOOM] My subdivision! [BOOM] Britney Spears' birthplace! No!" Bill: "No!" Mike: "Would you stop that?"

• During the demonstration of how a dry cleaning company is prepared in case of a gasoline explosion, a joke is made pertaining on of the worker's resemblance to a certain celebrity.

Mike: They killed Vincent Price.

• • In the live show, this leads to a couple jokes about a "post-explosion" Price when the Rifftrax Crew is promoting their live riffing of House on Haunted Hill.
• The short itself has the Narm moment involving the ablaze housewife with the flames being very obvious animation.

The Night Before Christmas

• A running gag involving Santa leaving a toy shovel in the stockings of one of the kids.

One Got Fat

• The Planet of the Apes jokes:

"A bicycle safety film where apes evolve from men?!" "We're headed over to Cornelius and Zira's for the game." "To the Forbidden Zone!" "It is/is not Ape Law!"

• The shrieks of utter horror once the masks are revealed. Bill never really recovers from it (and it makes his jokes even funnier).

Overcoming Fear

Headline:Student Defends Bicycle Ordinance Kevin:...on slowest news day in history.

Barker: "I've, uh, noticed you out there..." Mike: "Things you don't want to hear in the locker room."

Paper & I

• The entirety of the short shown at the House on Haunted Hill live riff. The guys turn a harmless short about paper production into a story of a young boy's descent into madness at the hand of his paper bag.

"We'll blot out the moon, Billy! We'll be GODS!"

• What was funnier about it was how little they had to work to change it. "Did you ever think about what the world would be like without paper?"
• "Daah, you have arms now! You're learning and adapting!"
• "Then a trip through the gonad-jabber!"

Patriotism

• The guys get a lot of mileage from the fact Bob Crane is involved with the short.

Bill: Man, Bob Crane had a funny sense of what contibuted to "an act of patriotism".

• • Later, when Crane's narration is silent:

Kevin: (nervously) Mr. Crane, you're awfully quiet right now. You're... not taping anything are you? Mike: (as Bob Crane, creepily) Just keep on doing what you're doing.

• The short's definition of patriotism becomes vague and odd:

Bob Crane: Patriotism is being proud of being who you are and whatever you do. Kevin: So... if I like to make sculptures out of my own feces, I'm a patriot? Bill: Mm-hmm. Kevin: Cool!

• • Then:

Mike: Making ugly things even uglier is what patriotism is all about!

• This reference, when Crane goes on about how everyone loves Arbor Day.

Mike: Unless Arbor Day and Life Day happen to coincide, well, you know, Chewbacca is out.

Pearl of the Orient

• "These people are Moros." "Hey! We're not the sharpest knives in the drawer, but there's no call for that!"
• The reaction to the cock fight and Bill's Incredibly Lame Puns thereafter.
• The really, really bad segue at the end from polishing a pearl to shots of war-torn Manila.

Reading: Who Needs It?

Coach: You can't read, right? Basketball Player: What are you talking about? Coach: You haven't been leveling with me. You can't read, right? Well, right? Basketball Player: Yeah, right. Bill: Wait, read or write? Pick one.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

• The following line resulted in such a huge laugh at the live riffing of the short that the Rifftrax crew ended up missing a few lines due to the audience still laughing:

Santa Claus (to Rudolph): I need you tonight. Kevin: WHOA!!!

Safety - Harm Hides at Home

• The Running Gag about the main character's occupation of "freelance architect."
• "I guess the Lollipop Guild is part of the Federation..."
• "Hey, I think I'll eat this RAGING OUT OF CONTROL FIRE MOM LEFT ME!"
• A kid finding his dad's gun: "Perfect! I have a drive-by after school!"
• "Oxygen: scourge of mankind!"
• "This key could kill you."

Shake Hands with Danger

• The final reprise of its theme song: "It's the 'Shake Hands with Danger' party mix!"
• The narrator's awkward silence while Chuck Hamlin works on the excavator. Mike, Kevin and Bill use the opportunity to deliver some lame Chuck Norris facts for him. Later on, we see his dead body at various places throughout the film, and they note that the others are working while his corpse is still warm and (at the end) that he hasn't even been buried.

Bill: Man, I REALLY fell on my keys!

• Hey everyone, the cruel old bastard finally got his comeuppance!" "Yay! Woohoo! I hope he dies!"

Skipper Learns a Lesson

• The neighborhood kids are trying to talk new girl Susan into digging a trench in a vacant lot with them:

Narrator: "You should see our trench!" Pete said, "It's long and wide and deep, too! We're having fun" Kevin: Pete's favorite TV show was the test pattern.

• Later:

Narrator: After that, everyone played together and had a good time. Kevin: Until later that summer when they had to band together to destroy IT.

Story of a Teenage Drug Addict

• Upon a close-up of the main character's old, unattractive mom:

Mike: GAH! Dad, why are you dressed like that?

• The main character's unsuccessful attempt at boxing:

Drug Addict: The other guy made hamburger out of me. Bill: Then I got kidnapped by some guy who kept saying, "Robble-robble!"

Three Magic Words

• Bill makes a joke that the opening music, when sung backwards, is the Protocols of the Elders of Zion. Cut to the butcher's shop, where the butchers are wearing wide hats. Mike's response: "Wait a minute, those are rabbis!"
• "Our hollow-eyed dopplegangers will fill you in in the rest."
• "Just cook the #$(*ing dinner!"

Tooth Truth with Harv and Marv

• Mike spending the entire duration of the short's closing credits doing an imitation of Marv's laugh.
• Mike and Bill on Ho Yay:

Mike: Sure, Harv and Marv argue, but the sex? Out of this world! Bill: And so frequent.

• The bizarre presence of the alien tooth fairy woman, who clearly does not want to be involved in this production at all.

The Trouble With Women

Mr. Bradshaw: As per her qualifications, I assigned her to an inspections bench. Mike: She got bra marks all over it!

• "A woman by the name of... Mmmmmyrtle Malloy! "He was voted 'most likely to impersonate Henry Fonda' in high school."

Vision in the Forest

• The Running Gag involving Vaughn Monroe's elderly looking wife.
• As Smokey the Bear comes out of a billboard: "Pedobear: the Motion Picture"

What It Means To Be An American

• The frequent attempts to end the short and the guys' exasperation when it just keeps on going. It's made doubly funny by being one of the longer shorts and thus sold in two parts, making it a Running Gag.

You and Your Family

• In the transition between scenes:

Narrator: "Now are you ready for the next family scene?" Mike: "No, I'd like a break..."(narrator continues on) "Hey! Why even ask?"

Live Shows

• The pre-show cards. A few from Jack the Giant Killer included "Movie Mistakes" (Zookeeper starring Kevin James), "Real Life Giant Killers" (David - Goliath), "Only in the Movies" (Could a woman who is beautiful, intelligent, and fun have difficulty finding a relationship, because she is "kinda clumsy"), Movie Anagrams (Blil Plluman - Bill Paxton), and Movies that Netflix Puts on Instant Watch Instead of Riff Trax (Cool Dog).
  • The all-time best is one from Jack the Giant Killer, where they finally answer an open question from the previous year's show: yes, corn is actually grass.
• The toy commercials from the Christmas show. Mike's "gift" was of a 60s toy robot with an Accidental Innuendo-filled commercial.
• At Jack the Giant Killer, the constant jokes about "seizing the bone."
  • "Be right there..."
• Shmorky's animated short before the main show, an animated representation of the thoughts of Lowtax's daughter Lauren. It's hilarious.
  • This leads to a bit in Jack the Giant Killer where the guys suggest that one scene in the film (which involves a chimpanzee reaching for a bottle containing a leprachaun in order to have him assist Jack in dealing with a two-headed giant) was actually written by Lauren.