The Sacred and the Profane

"Suffer the little children to come unto me..."

Somewhere else, the happy ending was different.

The Sacred and the Profane by Afrai is a retelling of Good Omens Canon with Aziraphale as the one who fell instead of Crowley. Don't worry, they're still instantly recognizable to anyone who's read the original book: Zirah is still a kindly, smiling bookseller, and Caphriel is still a sunglasses-wearing Deadpan Snarker dedicated to his job. They've just been translated through a dented mirror. The plot, while rather condensed, is largely faithful to the events of the book, but with a couple of necessary tweaks to match Zirah and Caphriel's characters.

Maybe you should worry. And keep a box of tissues by your side while reading.

It's still an excellent read for those who want to see the original canon in a whole different light.

Warning: Spoilers ahead!

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This fanfic contains examples of:

• Affably Evil: Zirah
• Alternate Universe Fic
• Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: "...Caphriel had a bizarre tendency to get upset over the slightest things, like murder and rape and duck torture."
• Axe Crazy: Zirah
• Badass Longcoat: Caphriel
• Bilingual Bonus: Caphriel means "God is my redemption."
• Dark Fic
• Deadpan Snarker: Caphriel
• Deconstruction
• Determinator: Caphriel can't afford to give up.
• Dissonant Serenity: Zirah
• The Dog Shot First: "You hurt him!"
• Downer Ending
• Epiphany Therapy: "I'm a demon."
• The Fettered: Caphriel
• For Want of a Nail: ...all from having the wrong thought at the wrong moment.
• Friendly Enemy: Of course, but in a much more painful, conflicted way than in the original.
• Good Is Not Nice: Caphriel
  • Caphriel was very nice. It made the story hurt more.
    • Positively angelic, even.
  • He's kind, but he's not necessarily nice. He'll go out of his way to help anyone, but he might end up swearing at them.
• Hannibal Lecture
• Hero with Bad Publicity: Caphriel
• Insult Backfire
• Knight in Sour Armor: Caphriel
• Like a Badass Out of Hell: Zirah was up on earth because Hell didn't want him there, they're all scared of him.
• Love Martyr: Caphriel
• Mad Love: Caphriel and Zirah.
• Mirror Universe
• Mistaken for Pedophile: Caphriel wears sunglasses and a long black coat and just wants to help people.
• Murder Is the Best Solution
• No Good Deed Goes Unpunished: Caphriel gets slapped for trying to help a crying child.
• Noodle Incident: "When had he got the stick, anyway? In the fourteenth century, hadn't it been — he'd been given it by a carpenter he'd helped in a small matter involving a priest, three goats, and a rosebush."
• The Nothing After Death
• Original Flavor
• Only Sane Man: Caphriel
• Perfect Poison: "Drink your tea, dear."
• Poisonous Friend: Zirah
• Psycho Supporter: Zirah again.
• Shoot the Dog: Caphriel's killing of Zirah.
• Slash Fic
• Sociopathic Hero: Zirah is a combination of this and a Complete Monster.
• Sliding Scale of Idealism Versus Cynicism
• Stepford Smiler: Zirah, denial isn't just a river in Egypt anymore it's mostly to convince himself that he never fell.
• The Stoic: Caphriel
  • Not So Stoic: after Caphriel kills Zirah.
• Time Abyss: This is why Caphriel wears Cool Shades in this universe, his eyes are older than his face and reflect the suffering of millennia.
  • Which also falls under What Beautiful Eyes!.
• Trauma Conga Line
• Truth in Television: Caphriel's reasoning behind wearing his sunglasses all the time is terribly similar to that of mild agoraphobes or people with social anxiety.

He felt a little better with their comforting weight on the bridge of his nose. They were a sort of protection against the world.

• • Making his self diagnosis with clinical (suicidal) depression all the more awful.
• The Unfettered: Zirah there's nothing you can do to him that would be worse than what has already happened and there's no Moral Event Horizon he won't cross.
• Villainous Breakdown: Zirah
• Well-Intentioned Extremist: Zirah
• Who Wants to Live Forever?
• Yandere / Cute and Psycho: Zirah
• You're Insane!